Jokes

Dear Cat Owner,

Following are instructions on the best way to bathe your cat:

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.

3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Don't get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out to grab anything they can find. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides a 'powerwash and rinse' which I have found to be quite effective.

6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside where he will dry himself.

Sincerely,

The DOG

Eleven Step Guide to Being Handy Around the House

1. If you can't find a screwdriver, use a knife. If you break off the tip, it's an improved screwdriver.

2. Try to work alone. An audience is rarely any help.

3. Despite what you may have been told by your mother, praying and cursing are both helpful in home repair ...but only if you are working alone.

4. Work in the kitchen whenever you can ... many fine tools are there, its warm and dry, and you are close to the refrigerator.

5. If it's electronic, get a new one ... or consult a twelve-year-old.

6. Stay simple minded: Get a new battery; replace the bulb or fuse; see if the tank is empty; try turning it to the 'on' switch; or just paint over it.

7. Always take credit for miracles. If you dropped the alarm clock while taking it apart and it suddenly starts working, you have healed it.

8. Regardless of what people say, kicking, pounding, and throwing sometimes DOES help.

9. If something looks level, it is level.

10. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

11. Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, then it isn't stupid.

Imagine if major companies from all around the world started producing and sponsoring condoms....

Sainsbury Condoms - Making life taste better.

Tesco Condoms - Every little helps.

Nike Condoms - Just do it.

Peugeot Condoms - The ride of your life.

Galaxy Condoms - Why have rubber when you can have silk.

KFC Condoms - Finger, Licking good.

Minstrels Condoms - Melt in your mouth, not in your hands.

Safeway Condoms - Lightening the load.

Abbey National Condoms - Because life is complicated enough.

Coca Cola Condoms - The real thing.

Ever Ready Condoms - Keep going and going.

Macintosh Condoms - It does more, it costs less, it's that simple.

Pringles Condoms - Once you pop, you cant stop.

Burger King Condoms - Home of the whopper.

Goodyear Condoms - For a longer ride go wide.

FCUK Condoms - No comment required.

Muller Light Condoms - So much pleasure, but where's the pain?

Flash Condoms - Just sit back, relax and let flash do all the hard work.

Halford Condoms - We go the extra mile.

On Digital Condoms - Plug and play!

Royal Mail Condoms - I saw this and thought of you.

Andrex condoms - Soft, strong and very very long.

A man comes home from a night of drinking. As he falls through the doorway, his wife snaps at him, "What's the big idea coming home half drunk?"

The man replies, "I'm sorry honey. I ran out of money."

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On Sears hairdryer:

"Do not use while sleeping."

(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos:

"You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."

(The shoplifter special.)

On a bar of Dial soap:

"Directions: Use like regular soap."

(And that would be how . . .?)

On some Swann frozen dinners:

"Serving suggestion: Defrost."

(But it's *just* a suggestion.)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box):

"Do not turn upside down."

(Too late!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:

"Product will be hot after heating."

(As night follows the day . . . )

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:

"Do not iron clothes on body."

(But wouldn't this save some time?)

On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine:

"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."

(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid:

"Warning: May cause drowsiness."

(One would hope.)

On most brands of Christmas lights:

"For indoor or outdoor use only."

(As opposed to what?)

On a Japanese food processor:

"Not to be used for the other use."

(I gotta admit, I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts:

"Warning: contains nuts."

(Talk about a newsflash.)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:

"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."

(Step 3: Fly Delta.)

On a child's superman costume:

"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."

(I don't blame the company. I blame parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw:

"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."

(Was there a spate of this happening somewhere?)

A rabbit one day managed to break free from a laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life.

"WOW! This is GREAT!" he thought.

It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it, he saw a wonderful sight - lots of other bunny rabbits - all free and nibbling at the lush green grass.

"Hello!" he called out. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory over there and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"

"Yes. Come and join us," they all cried out.

Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted SO good.

"What else do you do wild rabbits do?" he asked.

"Well," one of them said, "You see that field over there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them."

This he couldn't resist. He spent the next hour gorging on the most succulent carrots he had ever tasted.

"They are wonderful!" he told his new friends.

Much later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?"

"You see that field there in the distance? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat that as well."

The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned some hours later, completely full of lettuce.

"Is there anything else you do?" he asked.

One of the other rabbits came close to him and whispered, "There is one other thing you must try." Pointing to a bunch of rabbits in the far corner of the field, he said, "They're girl rabbits. We shag them. Go and try it."

Well, our friend spent the rest of the afternoon screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back to his male friends.

"That was FANTASTIC!!!" he panted.

"So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked.

"I'm sorry. I had a great time, believe me. But I can't."

The wild rabbits all stared at him in amazement. "Why? We thought you liked it out here."

"I do," our friend replied. "But I have to get back to the laboratory.... I need a cigarette."

Holy Mackerel!

A priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices and asks the priest if he'd like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees. The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before, to which the priest answers no. He baits the hook and says, 'Give it a shot, Father.'

After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in the boat. The fisherman says, 'Whoa, look at that big sonofabitch!' Priest: 'Uh, sir, can you please mind your language?'

Fisherman: (THINKING QUICKLY): 'Im sorry, Father, but thats what the fish is called- a sonofabitch.'

Priest: 'Oh, Im sorry, I did not know.'

After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and stops the Bishop.

Priest: 'Look at this big sonofabitch!'

Bishop: 'Please, mind your language, this is a house of God.'

Priest: 'No, you dont understand-thats what the fish is called, and I caught it. I caught this sonofabitch!'

Bishop: 'Hmmm...you know, I could clean this sonofabitch and we could have it for dinner.'

So the Bishop takes the fish, cleans it and takes it to the head mother.

Bishop: 'Could you cook this sonofabitch for dinner tonight?'

Head Mother: 'My lord, what language!'

Bishop: 'No, Sister, thats what this fish is called, a sonofabitch! Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we want you to cook it.'

Head Mother: 'Yes, I'll cook that sonofabitch tonight.'

That night the Pope stops by for dinner. He thinks the fish is great and asks where they got it.

Priest: 'I caught the sonofabitch.'

Bishop: 'And I cleaned the sonofabitch.'

Head Mother: 'And I cooked the sonofabitch.'

The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, takes off his hat, leans back in his chair, puts his feet up on the table, lights up a cigarette and says, 'You know, you fuckers are alright.'

"I am DAMNED, DAMNED-I-Am."

"I do not like that DAMNED-I-Am."

"Do you like porn and scam SPAM?"

"I do not like porn and scam SPAM, DAMNED I Am."

"Would you want it on your Palm? Would you send it to your mom?"

"I would not like it on my Palm, I would not send it to my mom. I do not like any SPAM, DAMNED I am."

"Would you want SPAM on your Mac? Would you want SPAM from a black?"

"I would not like SPAM on my Mac, I would not like it from a black. I would not like it on my Palm, I would not send it to my mom. I do not like ANY SPAM, DAMNED I Am."

"Would you, could you, in your car? Would you, could you, in a bar?"

"I would not, could not, in my car, I would not, could not, in a bar. I would not like SPAM on my Mac, I would not like it from a black. I would not like it on my Palm, I would not send it to my mom. I do not like the money scams, I do not like SPAM, DAMNED I Am."

"So you say, but, try it, try it, and do tell!"

"DAMNED! If you'll sit still for a spell, I'll try it and then I'll tell . . . Saaaaay . . . I like this SPAM, DAMNED-I-Am! I WOULD try it in my car, I would try it in a bar! I would like it on my Mac, I would like it from a black! I would like it on my Palm, I would send it to my mom! I like this SPAM, DAMNED I Am, and I like it very well -- can I keep this AOL?"

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