Jokes Page 9
The social studies teacher had just finished a unit on war and peace. "How many of you," he asked, "would say you're opposed to war?"
Not surprisingly, all hands went up. The teacher asked, "who'll give us the reason for being opposed to war?"
A large, bored-looking boy in the back of the room raised his hand.
"Johnny?" The teacher said.
"I hate war," Johnny said, "because wars make history, and I hate history."
A Frenchwoman took her little daughter to the Louvre where they saw a statue of a nude male.
"What is that?" asked the child pointing to the penis.
"Nothing, nothing at all, Cherie," replied the mother.
"I want one," said the child. The mother tried to focus her daughter's attention on a more suitable subject, but the little girl persisted.
"I want one just like that," she kept repeating.
At last the mother said, "If you are a good girl and stop thinking about it now, when you grow up, you will have one."
"And if I'm bad?" asked the little one.
"Then," sighed the mother, "You will have many."
Introducing the "INVISIBLE FENCE" BRA!!!
From the folks who make the Invisible Fence for cats and dogs, now comes the Invisible Fence Bra for your teenage daughter!
Using advanced electromagnetic technology, the Invisible Fence Bra creates a safety zone around Daddy's Little Angel.
If a horny young bastard has decided to skip the Church
social and head right to the Devil's Playground, your daughter will be safe and secure with this bra. Attempting to remove it without keying in the secret combination results in a "slight correction" to the horny young bastard.
Voltage levels are set in ten ascending doses including: "Don't Go There, Boyfriend", "Freddy'll Lose His Fingers", "Rushin' Hands, Electrocuted Fingers", "Char Your Fingers To The Bone", and, the ultimate level, "Any Last Words Before We Throw The Switch?"
Ladies, do *you* have a boss that likes to reach over your shoulder for a pencil on your desk? The Invisible Fence Bra has an accessory which clips underneath your chair. When the boss's hand dips into the the "No Fly Zone", the magnetic field of the bra triggers the mechanical arm of the accessory
we like to call: "Balls Through The Wall." Your boss can then apply for a role on "The Sopranos."
LIP PRINTS NO MORE
According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon
was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were
beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the
bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their
lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror
leaving dozens of little lip prints. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance guy to clean one of the mirrors. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then cleaned the mirror. Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There are teachers...and then there are Teachers.
If we could all be so creative in resolving problems....
ONE OF THE BEST AND BRTIGHTEST
Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously had conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lauwers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association.
HUSBAND QUOTES
1. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
2. Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
3. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
4. In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
5. Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
6. What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks.
7. A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping
on Grafton Street and said "I haven't eaten anything in
four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I
had your willpower."
8. Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.
9. Young Son: "Is it true, Dad? I heard that in some
parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he
marries her." Dad: "That happens in every country, son!"
10. A man inserted an ad in the classifieds: WIFE WANTED. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: YOU CAN HAVE MINE.
11. The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
12. First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
13. How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free.
14. Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
15. If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided
attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
16. Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."
17. A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying!"
18. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first
name was "Always."
A young guy was laying on his back on a massage table,
wearing only a towel over his groin. A young, very attractive Swedish girl was massaging his shoulders, then his chest, and gradually worked her way down his torso. The guy was getting sexually excited as the masseur approached the towel. The towel began to lift and the Swedish girl arched her eyebrows. "You wanna wank?" she asked.
"You bet," came the excited reply.
"Ok," she said. "I come back in ten minutes."
Twisted Disney
Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to
go to the ball, but only on two conditions.
'First, you must wear a diaphragm.'
Cinderella agrees. 'What's the second condition?'
'You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin.'
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up.
Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and **very** satisfied.
'Where have you been?' demands the fairy godmother. 'Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!'
'I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything.'
'I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!'
'I can't remember, exactly...Peter Peter, something or other....'
Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey, 'You say here that your wife is crazy.'
Mickey replied, 'I didn't say she was crazy, I said she's fucking Goofy.'
Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little
sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.
A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, 'How's the girlfriend?'
Pinocchio replied, 'Who needs a girlfriend?'
A WOMAN'S RANDOM THOUGHTS...
Skinny people tick me off! Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I forget to eat." You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.
A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't care.
They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative, but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen wench...do it and die."
I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day.
I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 20 can fit into their stuff.
One day three little pigs went to a restaurant. After they were seated the waiter asked them, "What would you like to drink?"
The first pig said, "I want a Pepsi."
The second pig said, "I want a Dr. Pepper."
The third pig said, "I want a big, big, big glass of water."
The waiter came back gave them their drinks and asked,
"What would you like to eat?"
The first pig said, "I want a big juicy steak."
The second pig said, "I want a Hamburger."
The third pig said, "I want a big, big, big glass of water."
The waiter came back, gave them their food and asked them, "What would you like for dessert?"
The first pig said, "I want an apple pie."
The second pig said, "I want a Chocolate pie."
The third pig said, "I want a big, big, big glass of water."
The waiter came back, and gave them their desserts. The
waiter just had to ask the third pig, "May I ask why you keep ordering a big, big, big glass of water?"
The third pig replied, "Someone has to go Wee-Wee-Wee all the way home."
THE ART OF KISSING
* Lip Only Kiss: When the only parts of your bodies that touch are your lips.
* French Kiss: Lips touching, mouths open, exploring each other with your tongues.
* Nip Kiss: When you add gentle, little nibbles of your lover's lower lip.
* Cradling Kiss: When you hold your lover's face in both hands while kissing.
* Switch Kiss: When you A kiss your partner's upper lip while s/he kisses your lower lip.
* Zorro Kiss: Also known playfully as the "Dueling Tongues" kiss.
* Sleep Kiss: Kissing your partner gently while s/he sleeps.
* Awakening Kiss: Kissing your partner's lips gently at first, and then increasing the pressure until s/he awakens.
* Butterfly Kiss: When you lightly brush your eyelashes against your partner's cheek, or other body part.
* Red Corvette Kiss: While driving with your partner, kissing every time you spot a red Corvette.
* Vacuum Kiss: Sucking the air out of each other's mouths, and then separating with a pop!
* Cordial Kiss: Taking a sip of your favorite cordial or liqueur, keeping it in your mouth, then kissing your partner, sharing the liquid.
* Humming Kiss: Humming her favorite love song while kissing her...down below.
Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show, where you have to answer questions to win the cash prize.
Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had gained a substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask
her the big question. Needless to say, Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous and fidgety as her husband drove them home. "I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are. You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow."
"Relax, honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her. "It will all be OK." Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door.
"Where are you going?" Jane asked.
"I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon," he replied.
Jane waited impatiently for Roger's return. After an agonizing 3-hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!"
"What is it?" she cried excitedly.
"OK. The question is: What are the three main parts of the male anatomy? And the answer is: The head, the heart, and the penis."
Shortly after that, the couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling confident and at ease, plummeting into a deep and restful slumber. At 3:30 in the morning, however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger,
who was asking her the quiz show question.
"The head, the heart, and the penis," Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep. And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied
correctly.
So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel the butterflies conquering her stomach and nervousness running through her veins. The cameras began running and the host, after reminding
the audience of the previous days events, faced Jane and asked the big question.
"Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds."
"Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously.
"Very good. Six seconds."
"Eh, uh, the heart?"
"Very good! Four seconds."
"I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning...."
"That's close enough," said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS!!!"
