Q: What's the difference between light and hard?
A: You can go to sleep with a light on.
Q: What's the difference between dark and hard?
A: It stays dark all night.
Q: What's the best thing about a blow job?
A: Ten minutes of silence.
Q: What did the potato chip say to the battery?
A: If you're Eveready, I'm Frito Lay.
Q: What did the egg say to the boiling water?
A: "How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago."
Q: Why is air a lot like sex?
A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
Q: What's another name for pickled bread?
A: Dill-dough.
Q: What's in the toilet of the star ship enterprise?
A: The captains log.
Q: What's the best form of birth control after 50
A: Nudity
Q: Why do men want to marry virgins?
A: They can't stand criticism.
Q: What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A: After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Q: What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
A: No one to talk to during orgasm.
Q: What do you call a smart blonde?
A: A golden retriever.
Q: Why does the bride always wear white?
A: Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
Q: A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in sixth grade. Who has the biggest boobs?
A: The blonde, because she's 18.
Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your mom.
Q: How do you know when you're really ugly?
A: Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.
Q: How do you know when you're leading a sad life?
A: When a nymphomaniac tells you, 'Lets just be friends.'
Q: Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
A: Because they have cotton balls.
Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A: A Bingo Machine.
Q: Why did God create alcohol?
A: So ugly people could have sex too.
Q: What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
A: Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.
Q: What three two-letter words mean small?
A: 'Is It In?'
Q: Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
A: Mace will do that to you.
Q: If you are having sex with two women and one more walks in, what do you have?
A: Divorce proceedings most likely.
Q: What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A: A speech impediment.
Q: What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
A: They're hiring.
Q: What do toilets, a clitoris, and an anniversary have in common?
A: Men miss them all.
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
Q: Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
A: Because they're not going to work in the future either.
Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
A: He walks around saying 'Yo.'
Q: What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A: A Pimp.
Q: Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays?
A: Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Q: What's the Cuban National Anthem?
A: Row row row your boat.
Q: What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale?
A: A Northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time.' A Southern fairytale begins ''Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit.'
Q: What's soft and warm when you go to bed, but hard and stiff when you wake up?
A: Vomit.
Q: What do you call kinky sex with chocolate?
A: S&M&M.
Q: What is a transvestite?
A: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: Put her in a room shaped like a circle and tell her
to pee in the corner.
Q. What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook.
Q: How do you make a dead baby float?
A: Two scoops of ice cream and a dead baby.
Q: What do women and tornados have in common?
A: It's wet and windy on the way in, and on the way out
they take your house and car.
Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
Q: Why are men like laxatives?
A: They irritate the shit out of you.
Q: What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A: Bad Golfer: "Whack!" "Shit!"
Bad Skydiver: "Shit!!" "Whack!!"
Q: Why are there no blind skydivers?
A: Because it scares the shit out of the dog.
Q: What do elephants use for tampons?
A: Sheep.
Q: What's better than a nail on the wall?
A: A screw on the floor.
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q: What does a blond and a vacuum cleaner have in common?
A: They both suck, blow and get laid in the closet.
Q: What's the difference between men and women?
A: Where men think, women have a hole.
Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Q: Why don't blondes don't mind their own business?
A: No mind; no business.
Q: Why are lesbians so lazy?
A: They don't do dick!
Q: Why is it called PMS?
A: Because Mad Cow Disease was already used.
Q: What do life and a stiffy have in common?
A: They're both long and hard.
Q: What's the difference between a sin and a shame?
A: It's a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to take it out.
Q: Why does the Avon lady walk funny?
A: Her lipstick.
Q. How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
A. Give him a used tampon and ask what period it came from!
Q. What is the difference between a blonde and a misquito?
A. When you slap a misquito it stops sucking.
Q. What is the difference between a blonde and a Trampoline?
A. You take your shoes off when you get on a trampoline.
Q. What is a blonde whith half a brain?
A. Gifted.
Q. How do you get 4 gay men on a chair?
A. Turn it upside down!
Q. What's the only bee that gives milk?
A. A boobie.
Q: What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
A: Outlaws are wanted.
Q: What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A: When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q: What's the height of conceit?
A: Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Q: What's the definition of macho?
A: Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
Q: What's the weather like in Tahoe?
A: Gloomy all over and Sonny around one tree.
Q: Why is divorce so expensive?
A: Because it's worth it.
Q: Why was the oyster unwilling to give up the pearl?
A:Because he was shellfish.
Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?
A: I don't know, there are some things even a blonde won't do.
Q: What do lawyers use for contraception?
A: Their personalities.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a hooker?
A: The hooker will stop screwing you when you run out of money!!
Q: How do lawyers say "Fuck you"?
A: "Trust me.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
A: When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.
Q: why do they bury lawyers 20 feet in the ground?
A: Because way deep down they are great people!
Q: Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste and California all the lawyers?
A: New Jersey got to pick first
