Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out...
You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
Middle age is when work is a lot less fun - and fun a lot more work.
Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that the darndest time for a guy to get those odds?
You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you.
Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step he's too old to go anywhere.
Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.
Of course I'm against sin; I'm against anything that I'm too old to enjoy.
A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.
Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.
You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
At my age, "getting a little action" means I don't need to take a laxative.
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.
You're getting old when "getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker, and you can't get it started.
You're getting old when your wife gives up sex for Lent, and you don't know till the 4th of July.
You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.
Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news - the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.
It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas because it's too risky of an investment.
Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.
There are three signs of old age. The first is one's loss of memory, the other two I forget.
My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely.
I finally got my head together, and my body fell a part.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
I don't mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese.
I don't mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Isn't Love Wonderful?
The little old couple walked slowly into McDonalds that cold winter
evening.
They looked out of place amid the young families and young
couples eating there that night.
Some of the customers looked
admiringly
at them.
You could tell what
the admirers were thinking.
"Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably
for 60 years or more!"
The little old man walked right up to the cash
register, placed his
order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal.
The couple
took
a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray.
There
was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink.
The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it
in half. He placed one half in front of his wife.
Then he carefully
counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly
placed one
pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took
a
sip
and then set the cup down between them.
As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd began to
get restless.
Again you could tell what they were thinking.
"That
poor
old couple.
All they can afford is one meal for the two of them."
As the man began to eat his French fries one young man stood and came
over to the old couples table.
He politely offered to buy another
meal
for the old couple to eat.
The old man replied that they were just
fine.
They were used
to sharing everything.
Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite.
She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking
turns
sipping the drink.
Again the young man came over and begged them to
let
him buy them something to eat.
This time the lady explained that no,
they were used to sharing everything together.
As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly
with a napkin the young man could stand it no longer.
Again he came
over to their table and offered to buy some food.
After being
politely
refused again he finally asked a question of the little old lady.
"Maam, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything.
What is it that you are waiting for?"
She answered, "the teeth".
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