Two hundred yards further on he's stopped by a police officer.
Officer: "Good evening sir.
We're testing drivers for drunken driving. Would you please blow into this machine?".
Man: "I'm sorry, I can't do that.
I have asthma. If I blow on that machine I will get out of air".
Officer: "Please come along to the office and we can give you a blood test".
Man: "I can't do that. I have anaemia and if you stick a needle in me I will bleed to death".
Officer: "Then you'll have to get out and walk 5 yards along this white line".
Man: "Can't do that either". Officer: "Why not?".
Man: "Because I'm dead drunk".
The bartender said "Are you a string?"
The string replied "Yes I am".
The bartender said "I'm sorry, we don't serve string here."
Just then a second piece of string came in and asked for a beer. It was refused for the same reason. As he was on his way out the door a third piece of string was coming in the door. The other two string stopped him and told him not to bother asking for a drink that they didn't serve string.
He then said "Yeah, watch this?"
He proceeded to the bathroom where he ruffled up his hair and tied himself up. He then went to the bartender and asked for a drink. Again the bartender asked "Are you a string".
The string replied "A fraid knot".
An Irish cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?" "I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
The policeman smelled alcohol on his breath and saw an empty wine bottle on the floor.
He asked 'Have you been drinking sir?'
The vicar replied 'Just water.'
The policeman said, 'Then why do I smell wine?'
The vicar looked down at the bottle and proclaimed 'Good Lord, He's done it again!!'
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.
This is when you realise that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.
This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armoured truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you will win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.
You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!
This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know all the words.
Stage 1 - SMART
Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING
Stage 3 - RICH
Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF
Stage 5 - INVISIBLE
