Animal Jokes!
Language!
A mother mouse and her three children crept out of their hole into the kitchen
and began feasting on some delicious bits of food.
Suddenly, out of the corner of her eye, Mother Mouse saw a cat slinking toward them.
The cat was between the mice and their hole.
The mother mouse puffed up her lungs and went, "Woof! Woof!"
The cat turned tail and ran.
With that, the mother quickly led her children back to safety in their hole.
When they were settled, and breathing normally, Mother Mouse said to her children,
"Now, what's the lesson from that experience?"
"We don't know," the baby mice squeaked.
"It is this," said Mom Mouse. "It's always good to know a second language.
Frog Response!
There was this "not too bright" scientist doing a study on how frogs
respond to commands.
He tells a frog to jump. The frog jumps 30 feet.
He writes in his log book, frog jumps 30 feet.
Then he cuts off one leg. He gives the same command to frog. It jumps 25 feet.
In Log: Cut off one leg, frog jumps 5 less feet.
He cuts off another leg. Frog goes 20 feet.
He records it in log book.
Then he cuts off the 3rd leg, commands frog to jump.
Frog jumps 10 feet.
He writes, cut off 3 legs and frog now jumps 10 less feet.
Finally, he cuts off the last leg and commands frog, JUMP!
The Frog doesn't move an inch.
So the scientist writes in his book...
Cut off all 4 legs and frog GOES DEAF!
Turtle!
A turtle is mugged by three snails.
When asked by police to give a description of what happened, he replied: "I don't know, it all happened so fast!"
Mime at the Zoo!
One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some
money as a street performer.
Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a
crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office.
The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction,
a gorilla has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo
will fall off.
He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until
they can get another one.
The mime accepts. v
So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage
before crowd comes.
He discovers that it's a great job.v He can sleep all he
wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever
did as a mime.
However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of
just swinging on tires.
He begins to notice that the people are paying more
attention to the lion in the cage next to his.
Not wanting to lose the
attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across
a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage.
Of course, this
makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.
At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for
being such a good attraction as a gorilla.
Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the
crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up.
Then one terrible day
when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls.
The mime is
terrified.
The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce.
The mime is so
scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close
behind.
Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the
lion is quick and pounces.
The mime soon finds himself flat on his back
looking up at the angry lion and the lion says....
...."Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"
Polar Bear in a Bar!
A Polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll have a gin
............................... and tonic."
The bartender asks, "What's with the big pause?"
The bear says, "I dunno, I've always had them."
Car Wrecked!.
A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car.
The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk."
The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.
"You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.
Again, the monkey shook his head up and down. "Well, did you see this?"
"Yes," motioned the monkey.
"What happened?"
The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.
"They were drinking?" asked the officer.
"Yes," nodded the Monkey.
"What else?" asked the officer.
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth, sucking inward quickly.
"They were smoking marijuana too?" said the officer.
"Yes," nodded the Monkey.
"What else?" queried the officer. ,
The monkey made a sexual sign with his fingers.
"So they were playing around too!?" asked the astounded officer.
"Yes," nodded the monkey.
"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and playing around before they wrecked the car?
" "Yes," the Monkey nodded.
"What were you doing during all this?" asked the Officer.
Driving motioned the monkey.
The New Job.
Danny had been out of work for six months and was penniless! He was relieved when he was given a job at the local zoo.
The head keeper gave him three tasks to complete, adding that if anything happened to the animals in Danny’s care he would have to pay to replace them.
His first task was to clean out the aviary where some very rare finches were housed and as the finches cost the zoo £500 each Danny knew he would have to be very careful.
As he worked there was a sudden gust of wind and one of the finches fell off it’s perch and much to Danny’s horror he found that the finch was dead.
Danny realised the head keeper would not be pleased and that he would be expected to pay £500 to replace the dead finch.
So Danny hit on the idea of throwing the finch to the lions hoping It would not be missed.
Danny moved on to his second job of the day clearing out the monkey house.Two of the chimps started to fight and before Danny could do anything one of them was lying dead on the floor. Wondering how much a chimp would cost to replace Danny decided to throw the dead chimp to the lions too.
Danny moved on to his last job, mowing the grass in a field where some hives of very rare South African bees are housed.Thinking nothing could go wrong a third time, Danny got on with the task.
The noise of the mower upset the bees who then started to attack Danny and in doing so got caught up in the mower. Danny looked down to see a pile of mushed up bees. Danny threw bees to them hoping the head keeper would not notice the missing bees either!.
Later that day a new lion arrived at the zoo. It strolled up to another lion and asked “Are you happy here then?”
“Oh! Yes It’s Great!” replied the lion.
“What’s the food like then ?” the new lion asked.
“Oh! That’s the best bit. Take today for instance. I’ve already had finch chimps and mushy bees!”
Two Little Snakes.
Two little snakes were wiggling along the side of the road when the first little snake turned to the second little snake and asked, "Are we poisonous?"
"Why?" asked the second little snake.
The first little snake replied, "Because I just bit my lip!"
Two Racehorses.
Two racehorses were walking across the paddock after having had a very unsuccessful day.
One said to the other 'Do you know, if I continue to perform this badly my owner will sell me for dog meat.
The other replied 'I know, but I can't understand it. We're both from good stock, we have excellent trainers and we're fit as any other horse, so why are we always last?'
A German Shepherd dog, which had been trotting alongside overheard them and said 'I know why, I go to a lot of races with my owner and I've seen you both race.
The trouble is, you're starting too fast and losing all your energy before the third furlong.
Then, when it comes to the final thrust, you've nothing left to give.
My advice to you is to pace yourself, hold something in reserve then, when you're a couple of hundred yards off the finish line go for it.
All the other horses will be knackered and you will still be nice and fresh.
One horse looked at the other horse and said…… ' Well I never! A talking dog! '
Beware of dog...
Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying ("DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!" posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.
He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"
"Yep, that's him," he replied.
The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"
"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."
Lion!
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to
eat. He came across two men.
One was sitting under a tree and reading
a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter.
The lion quickly
pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him.
Even the king
of the jungle knows readers digest and writers cramp.
Snail!
A man is sitting down to read the paper when he hears a knock on his door.
Upon opening the door the man is confronted by a snail on his doorstep.
"Good evening," says the snail, "I'm collecting for the snail benevolence fund. Would you care to make a donation?”
The snail gets his reply as the man kicks him into the bushes.
Ten years later there's another knock at the door.
Again, the man finds a snail on his doorstep.
"That wasn't very nice!" exclaims the snail.
What?
A guy walks into a bar with a giraffe under one arm.
He walks up to the bar, places the giraffe on the floor and orders a beer.
The bartender gets the guy his drink and then says, “Hey, you can’t leave dat lyin’ there!”
The guy gives the bartender a weird look and says, “It’s not a lion, it’s a giraffe.”
How Do You Catch?
How do you catch a unique animal?
Unique up on him!
What has?
What has four legs and one arm?
A happy pit bull.
Rivally?
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.
The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first,
but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.
The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them "The first one who can use the words `liver` and `cheese` together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."
The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says "I love liver and cheese."
"Oh, how childish," said the poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."
She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said "How well can you do?"
"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.
"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it`s hopeless.
That`s just as dumb as the Lab`s sentence."
She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, How about you, little guy?"
The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says.
"Liver alone. Cheese mine."
What happened?
What happened when the cow jumped over a barbed wire fence?
Utter destruction!
Circus!
Did you hear about the circus fire?
It was intense.
