Blonde Jokes!
Horse out of control!
Not to long ago a blonde woman I know had a near death experience that
has changed her forever.
She was horseback riding, and everything was
going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control.
She tried
with all her might to hang on, but was thrown off.
Her foot became caught in the stirrup.
She fell head first to the
ground and her head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not
stop or even slow down.
Just when things were looking their worst, as she was giving up hope
and about to lose consciousness, there was a miracle: The Walmart
manager came and unplugged it.
(think about it)
Cause of Accident?
A blonde had just totalled her car in a horrific accident.
Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage
without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the
state trooper arrived.
"My God!" the trooper gasped, "Your car looks like an
accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK
ma'am?"
"Yes officer, I'm just fine!" the blonde chirped.
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked
as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I
was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this
TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and
there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was
ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another
tree! I swerved to the left and there was..."
"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off. "There
isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air
freshener swinging back and forth".
Training to be policewomen!
A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become
detectives.
To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a
picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect," he says
"how would you recognize him?"
The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he
only has one eye!"
But the policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the
picture
shows his profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for
5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how
would
you recognize him?"
The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha!
He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?? Of
course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his
profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third
blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you
recognize
him?"
He quickly adds "...think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says,
"Hmmmm...the suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know
himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting
answer...wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get
back to you on that."
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his
computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't
believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses.
Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That's easy," the blonde replies. "He can't wear regular glasses because
he only has one eye and one ear."
Annoyed Blonde!
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town.
He goes through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a big Blonde woman
in the fourth row stands on her chair and says: "I've heard just about enough
of your denigrating Blonde jokes!!!
What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?
What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being?
It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my
community and reaching my full potential as a person . Because you and your kind
continue to perpetuate discrimination against Blondes... all in the name of humor!!"
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde pipes up...
"You stay out of this, I'm talking to that little pest knee!"
Wedding Anniversary Present!
A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for
their first wedding anniversary.
So he decides to buy her a cell phone.
She is all excited, she loves her phone.
He shows her and explains to her
all the features on the phone.
The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her
husband, "Hi Hun," he says, "how do you like your new phone?"
She replies, "I just love it, it's so small and your voice is clear as a
bell but there's one thing I don't understand though."
"What's that, baby?" asks the husband.
"How did you know I was at Wal Mart?"
Sick of Being a Blonde!
There was a blonde who was sick and tired of being ridiculed for being
blonde, so she decided to fix it by dying her hair brunette.
Well, she was driving along a country road one day when she saw a shepherd
with his flock.
She decided to see if she could pass as a brunette and if she did indeed
get any smarter.
She pulled over to the side of the road and asked the shepherd if she could
guess how many sheep he had she could have one.
The shepherd thought this was an unusual request, but he agreed.
The blonde thought about it for a minute and said, "one hundred and
fifty."
The shepherd said she was right and that she could pick a sheep to take
home.
She did and as she was putting it into the trunk of the car, the shepherd
stopped her and said, "If I can guess your real hair color, can I have my
dog back?"
Upset Blonde!
A brunette walks over to her Blonde friends home and finds her crying.
"What happened...why are you crying?"
The Blonde tells her that her mother has passed away.
The neighbor makes her some coffee, comforts her and then leaves.
The next day, she goes back over to the house and finds the blonde crying again.
Once again, she asks her why she was crying?
This time the blonde replies hysterically...
"I just got off of the phone with my sister, her mother died too!
51 Days!
A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table.
The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm.
She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts even more loudly in chant.
Up jump the
others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table.
There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?"
The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together.
The side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in just 51 days!"
In the Elevator!
A businessman got on an elevator in an office building.When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside, and she greeted him by saying, "T-G-I-F"
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T"
She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again.
He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."
The blonde was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her
biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly "T-G-I-F" another time.
The man smiled back to her and once again replied, "S-H-I-T."
The blonde finally decided to explain things, and this time she said,"'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday,' get it?"
The man answered, "S-H-I-T, Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."
Interview!!
The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his
company.
He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you
could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"
The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."
First in Space!
A Russian, an American, and a blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The blonde said, "So what, we're going to be the first on the sun!"
The
Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! you'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at
night!"
Mirror Image!
Two blondes, Carol and Patty, were walking down the street. Carol noticed
a compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up.
She opened it, looked in the mirror and said, "Hmmm, this person looks
familiar."
Patty said, "Let me look!" So Carol handed her the Compact.
Patty looked in the mirror and said, "You dummy, it's me!
Speeding!
A police officer stops a blond for speeding and asks her very nicely if he
could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get
your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today
you expect me to show it to you!"
Trivial Pursuit!
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She
rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature." Her question was,
"If
you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She
thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
Examination!
The blonde reported for her University final examination which consisted of
"yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall,
stares
at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration
takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking
the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails.
Within half an hour she
is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out.
During the last
few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and
sweating.
The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going
on.
"I finished the exam in half an hour. But I'm rechecking my answers.
Stewardess!
An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess.
The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their
arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline
personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route,
he
noticed the new stewardess was missing.
He knew which room she was in at
the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her.
She answered
the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room.
"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The
stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here," she cried, "one
is
the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says, 'Do
Not
Disturb'!"
Hurting all over!
