Computer and Internet Jokes!
Puns!
· Personal ads on computer are a kind of dater-processing.
· Bill Gates took advantage of his Windows of opportunity.
· Environmentalist: expert in computer operating systems.
· Backups are usually a good thing unless it's a sewer.
· If you are word processing a presentation about guns, be sure to know how to use bullets.
Programmers!
· Technically speaking, a programmer's favorite subject with his boss is usually arrays.
· Old programmers never die .. they just can't C as well.
· A crazy programmer with a cold is a coughing hacker.
· When computer programmers are hungry they take mega-bites
Networks and Internet!
· Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
· Home page: when your family makes your beeper go off.
· An orchestra was going to broadcast some jazz live onto the net from a small room but discovered it didn't have enough band width.
· When your internet provider goes bankrupt it's a 'net loss.
Confused!
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his
attractive female neighbor
came out of the house and went straight to
the mail box.
She opened it then slammed it shut stormed back in
the house.
A little later she came out of her house again
went to the mail box and again opened it,
slammed it shut again.
Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here
she came out again,
marched to the mail box,
opened it and then slammed it closed harder than
ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is
something wrong?"
To which she replied,"There certainly is!"
My stupid computer keeps saying,
"YOU'VE GOT MAIL."
Computer Problem
'Hello, Welch Hall, computer assistant; may I help
you?'
'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
'What sort of trouble?'
'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a
sudden the words went away.'
'Went away?'
'They disappeared.'
'Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?'
'Nothing.'
'Nothing?'
'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I
type.'
'Are you still in WordPerfect or did you get out?'
'How do I tell?'
[Uh-Oh. Well, let's give it a try anyway.] 'Can
you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?'
'What's a sea prompt?'
[Uh-huh. I thought so. Let's try a different
tactic.]
'Never mind. Can you move the cursor
around on the screen.'
'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't
accept anything I type.'
[Ah, a least he/she knows what a cursor is. Sounds
like a hardware problem. I wonder if he/she kicked
out his/her monitor's power plug.]
'Does your
monitor have a power indicator?
'What's a monitor?'
'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks
like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells
you when it's on?'
'I don't know.'
'Well, then look at the back of the monitor and
find where the power cord goes into it. Can you
see that?'
[Sound of rustling and jostling] [Muffled]
'Yes, I
think so.'
'Great! Follow the cord to the plug and tell me if
it's plugged into the wall.'
[Pause] 'Yes, it is.'
[Hmm. Well, that's interesting.
I doubt he/she
would have accidentally turned it off, and I don't
want to send him/her hunting for the power switch
because I don't know what kind of monitor he/she
has and it's bound to have more than one switch on
it. Maybe the video cable is loose or something.]
'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice
that there were two cable plugged into the back of
it, not just one?'
'No.'
'Well, ther
e are. I need you to look back there
again and find the other cable.'
[Muffled]
'Okay, here it is.'
'Follow it for me and tell me if it's plugged
securely into the back of your computer.'
[Still muffled] 'I can't reach it.'
'Uh-huh. Well, can you see if it is?'
[Clear again] 'No.'
'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and
lean way over?'
'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle
- it's becaus
e it's dark.'
'Dark?'
'Yes - the office light is off and the only light
I have is coming from the window.'
'Well, turn on the office light then.'
'I can't.'
'No? Why not?'
'Because there's a power outage.'
A power !@#$%^&*!?!'...[AAAAAAAARGH!!!] 'A power
outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you
still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff
your computer came in?'
'Well, yes, I kept them in the closet.'
'Good! Go get them, unplug your system and pack it
up just like it was when you got it.
Then take it
back to the store you bought it from.'
'Really? Is it that bad?'
'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell
them?'
'Tell them you're TOO STUPID TO OWN A COMPUTER!!!'
Before Computers!
An application was for employment,
A program was a TV show,
A cursor used profanity,
A keyboard was a piano!
Memory was something that you lost with age,
A CD was a bank account,
And a floppy disk was something
Terribly wrong in your back.
Compress was something you did to garbage,
Not something you did to a file.
And if you unzipped anything in public,
You'd be in jail for awhile!
Log on was adding wood to a fire,
Hard drive was a long trip on the road.
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived,
And a backup happened to your commode!
Cut - you did with a pocket knife,
Paste you did with glue.
A web was a spider's home,
And a virus was the flu!
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper,
And the memory in my head.
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash,
But when it happens, they wish they were dead!
If Only Life Could Be Like A Computer!
If you messed up your life, you could press "Alt, Ctrl, Delete" and start all over!
To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"!
If you needed a break from life, click on "suspend".
Hit "any key" to continue life when ready.
To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster.
To "add/remove" someone in your life, click settings and control panel.
To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings.
If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.
When you lose your car keys, click on "find".
"Help" with the chores is just a click away.
You wouldn't need auto insurance. You'd use your diskette to recover from a crash.
We could click on "send" and the kids would go to bed immediately.
To feel like a new person, click on "refresh".
Click on "close" to shut up the kids and spouse.
To undo a mistake, click on "back".
Is your wardrobe getting old? Click "update".
If you don't like cleaning the litter box, click on "delete".
Five Reasons to Believe Computers are Female!
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.
3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
4. The message, "Bad command or filename," is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
Five Reasons to Believe Computers are
Male!
1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.
So which gender is your computer???
Addicted to the Internet?
You Know You're Addicted to The Internet When ...,
You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word
processor.com
You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you
just pulled the plug on a loved one.
You start introducing yourself as "Jon at I-I-Net dot com"
Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of
what she looks like.
All of your friends have an @ in their name.
You can't call your mother..... she doesn't have a modem.
Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
You laugh at people with 2400 modems.
You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you
landscape.
You tell the cab driver you live at: www. ……………….com
Your spouse makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."
You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in
front of your computer with a commode.
You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)
You turn on your computer and turn off your spouse.
Your spouse says communication is important in a marriage..... so
you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two
of you can chat.
You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed
to call 200 hours per month "unlimited."
.....AND THE #1 CLUE THAT YOUR ARE ADDICTED TO THE INTERNET IS........
Your dog has its own home page. :-)
Abbot and Costello?
Costello: Hey, Abbott!
Abbot: Yes, Lou?
Costello: I just got my first computer.
Abbot: That's great Lou.
Costello: I heard that you are a real computer expert.
Abbot: Well, I don't know-
Costello: Yes-sir-ee. You know your stuff. And you're going to train me.
Abbot: Really?
Costello: Uh huh. And I am here for my first lesson.
Abbot: O.K. Lou. What do you want to know?
Costello: I am having no problem turning it on, but I heard that you should be very careful how you turn it off.
Abbot: That's true.
Costello: So, here I am working on my new computer and I want to turn it off. What do I do?
Abbot: Well, first you press the Start button, and then-
Costello: No, I told you, I want to turn it off.
Abbot: I know, you press the Start button-
Costello: Wait a second. I want to turn it off. Off. I know how to start it. So tell me what to do.
Abbot: I did.
Costello: When?
Abbot: When I told you to press the Start button.
Costello: Why should I press the Start button?
Abbot: To shut off the computer.
ostello: I press Start to stop.
Abbot: Well Start doesn't actually stop the computer.
Costello: I knew it! So what do I press.
Abbot: Start
Costello: Start what?
Abbot: Start button.
Costello: Start button to do what?
Abbot: Shut down.
Costello: You don't have to get rude!
Abbot: No, no, no! That's not what I meant.
Costello: Then say what you mean.
Abbot: To shut down the computer, press-
Costello: Don't say it, "Start!"
Abbot: Then what do you want me to say?
Costello: Look, if I want to turn off the computer, I am willing to press the Stop button, the End button and Cease and Desist
button, but no one in their right mind presses the Start to Stop.
Abbot: But that's what you do.
Costello: And you probably Go at Stop signs, and Stop at green lights.
Abbot: Don't be ridiculous.
Costello: I am being ridiculous? Well. I think it's about time we started this conversation.
Abbot: What are you talking about?
Costello: I am starting this conversation right now. Good-bye.
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