I remember

gannin to watch Newcastle United playing Rangers at St. James.

It was like being in Belfast.

Beer bottles flying aboot like machine gun bullets,

a little fellah in front of me was dookin and dodgin.

I says, "It's ne good ye dein that lad,

if one of them bottles has your name on ye'll get it".

"Thats whit I'm worried aboot sorr",

he says, "Me names McEwan!".

with his wife to do a bit of shopping,

while she was shopping

he wandered into Tyne Tees T.V. Studio

and took part in a Quiz,

to his delight he won 1st prize.

Quiz Master says,

"You have won 1st prize Geordie lad,

you can have a Piano or a Pianola",

"Why whats the difference?", says Geordie.

"Well", says the Quiz Master,

"To play the piano you have to be a musician,

but anyone can play the pianola",

"I'll tyeke the Pianola", says Geordie.

When he got home

the whole family was waiting to greet him.

"We seen you on the telly,

what did ye win?",

"Why I could have a Piano or a Pianola", says Geordie,

"So I choose the Pianola",

"What for",

says the old man.

"Why", says Geordie,

"Ye have te be a musician to play the Piano,

but anybody can play the Pianola,

I can use it,

the wife can use it,

the bairns can use it,

ye can use it".

His old Mother looked up from her knitting,

"Aye", she says,

"But I knaa who'll hev te empty it!".

Geordies brother Jonty passed away.

Geordie bought a little wooden cross

to put on Jonty's grave.

When he went to put some flowers on the grave.

He noticed that the wind had blown the cross over to the right,

so he straightened it up.

put a wooden chock in.

The next day he went down

he saw that the cross had been blown over to the left.

He thought to himself,

What am I ganna de noo!

When he saw a coil of wire lying on the ground.

The Redifussion lads had been working there.

So he got a wonderful idea.

He fastened one end of the wire on the cross,

and the other to a nearby tree.

That night he went to the Club for a pint.

His mate Tucker says,

"Geordie, I see your Jonty's dee'in weel since he snuffed it".

"How de'ya make that oot", says Geordie.

"Why" says Tucker,

"I passed his grave this mornin,

I see he's got the telephone in noo!".

A famous faith healer had been to Newbiggin Welfare Hall.

The following night Geordie and Tucker were having a talk

in the club. Tucker says,

"I took wor little Jimmy doon te see him,

ya knaa wor Jimmy with the crutches?".

"Gaan on" says Geordie.

"What happened?".

"Why he says to wor Jimmy,

stand there son,

I'll sing a hymn,

say a prayer,

then I want you to throw away your right crutch".

"Aye gaan on" says Geordie,

"What happened then?".

"Why" says Tucker,

"Wor Jimmy straightened himself up,

took a breath and hoyed away his right crutch".

"Gaan on" says Geordie.

"Why" says Tucker,

"The faith healer says I'll sing another hymn

and say another prayer and then

I want you to throw away your left crutch".

"Gaan on man" says Geordie,

""What did Jimmy de then, di he waalk?".

"Did he hell" says Tucker,

"he feel flat on his back!".

Geordie and his marra Tucker Johnson had a big win on the pools.

So they decided to go on a World Cruise.

After a week at sea,

the Captain called the Purser into his cabin

to ask what influential people were on board,

so he could invite them to his table.

"Sir", said the Purser,

"we have four film stars,

three M.P.'s and two strange gentlemen from the North,

who seem to be very wealthy".

The Captain bade him to go round with invitations.

Knocking on Geordie's cabin door,

he was greeted by "Howay in Bonny Lad".

When he entered;

there was Geordie and Tucker,

feet on the table,

four bottles of Broon Ale,

eating fish and chips.

The Purser saluted,

"Begging your pardon gentlemen", he said,

"The Captains compliments.

He requests your company at his table tonight.

"Ye must be joking", says Geordie,

"Ye divvent think Tucker and me's gan te spend aal this money

to eat with the bloody crew".