A: 45 lbs.
A: 45 minutes.
A: Sexual harassment.
A: $3.99 a minute.
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
A: The sex is the same but you get the remote.
A: Because if they pulled them around by their feet, they'd fill up with mud.
A: Made her chain too long.
A: None, they just sit there in the dark and complain.
A. Because all the good ones are engaged and the only ones left are full of crap.
A. One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.
A. They can't stand criticism.
caring and good-looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends.
A. A padded headboard.
A. "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable"
A. So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
A. A golden retriever.
A. A mechanic
A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
A. She is the one who can eat the last doughnut.
A. Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor-lock.
A. Pissing in the bath is disgusting.
A. You can negotiate with the terrorist
A. He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
They would have asked for directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and given practical gifts.
She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for the next day's lunches,
rinsed out the popcorn bowls,
took meat out of the freezer for supper the following evening,
checked the cereal box levels,
filled the sugar container,
put spoons and bowls on the table and started the coffee pot for brewing the next morning.
She then put some wet clothes into the dryer,
put a load of clothes into the wash,
ironed a shirt and secured a loose button.
She picked up the newspapers strewn on the floor,
picked up the game pieces left on the table and put the telephone book back into the drawer.
She watered the plants, emptied a wastebasket and hung up a towel todry.
She yawned and stretched and headed for the bedroom.
She stopped by the desk and wrote a note to the teacher,
counted out some cash for the field trip,,p> and pulled a textbook out from hiding under the chair.,
She signed a birthday card for a friend,
addressed and stamped the envelope and wrote a quick note for the grocery store.
She put both near her purse.
Mom then creamed her face, put on moisturizer,
brushed and flossed her teeth and trimmed her nails.
Hubby called, "I thought you were going to bed.
" "I'm on my way," she said.
She put some water into the dog's dish and put the cat outside,
then made sure the doors were locked.
She looked in on each of the kids and turned out a bedside lamp,
hung up a shirt,
threw some dirty socks in the hamper,
and
had a brief conversation with the one up still doing homework.
In her own room,
she set the alarm,
laid out clothing for the next day,
straightened up the shoe rack.
She added three things to her list of things to do for tomorrow.
About that time,
the hubby turned off the TV and announced to no one in particular
"I'm going to bed,"
and he did.
A.When he has a new car.
B.When he has a new wife.
2. They're at peace with their bodies, except for maybe some minor anxiety over height, weight, and baldness.
3. They're enthusiastic about our bodies, even when we're not.
4. They fall in love so hard, once they finally fall.
5. Chest hair, forearm hair and the feel of a newly shaved cheek.
6. Bravery around snakes, waterbugs, bats and flat tyres.
7. Their unapologetic lust for a nice hunk of beef or chocolate cake.
8. Their ability to solve problems simply by throwing a ball around.
9. The glimpse you get, when they wear their baseball cap backward of their inner Little Leaguer.
10. How tender they get when they cry, and how seldom they do it.
11. What they lack in talk, they tend to make up for in action.
12. They make excellent companions when driving through rough neighborhoods or walking past dark alleys.
13. They really love their moms. They remind us of our dads.
14. They don't mind accompanying a woman to a party even though she looks like a movie star and they look like the chauffeur.
15. Their near-endless appetite for discussing the ins and outs of work and money - ours as well as theirs.
16. Their genuine ardor for tinkering with toilets, changing oil and assembling gas grills - jobs any intelligent woman can do but would be nuts
to volunteer for.
17. They never care what their horoscope, their mother-in-law, nor the neighbors say.
18. They rarely lie about their age, their weight, or their clothing size.
19. How awestruck they are in the face of a homemade cookie.
20. How great their hands look holding ours.
21. Their face is a treasure to behold when they give us a present they picked out.
22. Their ignorance is usually amusing.
23. They have a great sense of competition.
24. They give great hugs, ( and always melt our hearts when a sweet "I love you Princess" is added)
25. Though they often try to hide it, they're very tenderhearted and caring.
26. They have an uncanny ability to look deeply into our eyes and connect with our heart, even when we don't want them to.
27. They don't care whether colors match, but are willing to be concerned if we want them to be.
28. They can be taught.
29. They give us a peek at the little boy inside when they get sick or happy or hurt.
A: Gifted.
You want = You want
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to.
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
You're certainly attentive tonight. = Is sex all you ever think about?
I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I'm on my period.
Be romantic, turn out the lights. = I'm Embarassed
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper...
I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white.
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like
I'll be ready in a minute. = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
Am I a little fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.
Yes = No
No = No
Maybe = No
I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry.
Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it.
Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new pocket books,and those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?
Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]
"I'm sleepy." = I'm sleepy.
"I'm tired." = I'm tired.
"Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Can I take you out to dinner?" = Same as Above
"Can I call you sometime?" = Same as Above
"Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!
"You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to feel your bare skin
"What's wrong?" = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this.
"What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
"I love you, too." = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = I liked it better before.
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!
"Let's talk." = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then we can get down to business.
"Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
(while shopping) "I like that one better." = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
