David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and terrible vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude. He was constantly saying polite words and playing soft music, he did anything he could think of. Nothing worked . When he yelled at the bird, the bird got worse. If he shook the bird, the bird got madder and ruder. Finally in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then suddenly, there was quiet. David was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said: "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and actions, so I ask for your forgiveness. I will endeavour to correct my behaviour."
David was astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had changed him when the parrot continued: "May I ask what the chicken did?"
The Magician and the Parrot!
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat"
"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table"
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, it was the captain's parrot.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself floating on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another.
After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"
The Burglar and the Parrot!
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say, "Jesus is watching you!"
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.
"Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.
He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"
"Yes", said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot: "What's your name?"
"Clarence," said the bird.
"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"
The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller, Jesus."
The Pet Bird!
This guy wanted a parrot who talked.
He asked the pet store manager if
there was a bird who was already speaking.
The manager directed the guy to
a bird by the window.
"This bird
has a vocabulary of 1000 words and another 50 phrases that would fit most
occasions."
The guy bought the bird and took it home.
Next day, the guy was back in the pet store to complain. The bird hadn't
said a word.
The pet store manager said, "That's not unusual.
Why not buy a few of the
toys the bird had been used to playing with while here and put it in his
cage.
That should get him more
comfortable with his surroundings and loosen him up."
The man paid for the
toys and took them home to the bird.
Two days later the guy showed back up.
"Still not talking, huh?" asked the
manager.
"Well, perhaps a birdbath would do the trick."
The credit card
was whipped out, the purchase
made, and the guy was back home with his new birdbath.
And, like clockwork, two days later the guy was back to complain that the
bird STILL hadn't said one word. This time the shop owner scratched his
head and said, "You know,
sometimes the bird would be praised in his training and allowed to ring this
bell."
The guy was hesitant, but he really wanted to hear the bird talk, so
he reluctantly purchased the
bell.
Two days later, the guy was back in the shop.
This time the pet shop owner
suggested the bird was lonely.
The guy was upset that he'd have to purchase
ANOTHER bird when the first one wasn't talking.
The pet shop owner told him
that, no, he wouldn't have to do that. Just buy a mirror and trick the bird
into thinking he had company.
You guessed. Two days later, the man was back in the store, this time with
the parrot.
The parrot was dead. "What happened! Didn't the bird ever
talk?" asked the pet store owner.
"Yep. Right before he died it said, 'What's the matter? Don't they sell
birdseed at the pet store any more?'"
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