Site hosted by Angelfire.com: Build your free website today!


Just People Jokes!



What happens if you fall in love with?
A chef? (You get buttered up.)
A chauffeur? (You get taken for a ride.)
A gambler? (He cheats on you.)
A telephone operator? (He gives you a phone-y line.)
A trashman? (He dumps you.) A clockmaker? (He two-times you.)
A pastry cook? (He desserts you.)
A shoe salesman? (He walks all over you.)
An elevator operator? (He lets you down.)
An artist? (He gives you the brush.)
A jogger? (He gives you the run-around.)


Decision

 The confused young man couldn't decide whether to marry Kathryn or Edith.
Try as he might, he just could not make up his mind.
Unwilling to give up either, he strung them along for far too long.
This indecision continued until both young women got tired of the situation and left him for good.

Moral of the story: ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? You can't have your Kate and Edith too!

Never die!

 - Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.
- Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.
- Old farmers never die, they just go to seed.
- Old garage men never die, they just retire.
- Old hackers never die, they just go to bits.
- Old hardware engineers never die, they just cache in their chips.
- Old hippies never die, they just smell that way.
- Old horticulturists never die, they just go to pot.
- Old hypochondriacs never die, they just lose their grippe.
- Old investors never die, they just roll over.
- Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed.
- Old knights in chain mail never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils.
- Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.
- Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
- Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.

You can be anything you want to be!

 YOU CAN BE ANYTHING WHEN YOU GROW UP! There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to become a "great" writer.
When asked to define "great", he said: "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.


Magic Elevator?

 A Kentucky family took a vacation to New York City.
One day, the father took his son into a rather large building.
They were amazed by everything that they saw...especially the elevator at one end of the lobby.
The boy asked, "What's that, Paw?"
The father responded, "Son I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is!"
While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up.
They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened again, and a voluptuous 24 year old woman stepped out.

The father turned to his son and said, "Go get your Maw!"


Illegal Alien!
A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence.

He pulls him out and says, "Sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now."
The Mexican man pleads with him, "No, noooo, Senor, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!"
The border patrol agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard for him, and says "OK, I'll let you stay if you can use three English words in a sentence."
The Mexican man of course agrees.
The Border Patrol Agent tells him, "The three words are: green, pink and yellow.

Now use them in one sentence."
The Mexican man thinks really hard for about two minutes, then says, "Hmmm, OK. The phone, it went green, green, green... I pink it up, and sez yellow?"




"HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY AND DRIVE OTHER PEOPLE INSANE"


Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits.
Always wear them one day after your boss does. ( This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)
Send e mail to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing.

For example "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."
While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive.
Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle. Insist that your e-mail address be zena_goddess_of_fire@company. name.com
Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they wants fries with that.
Suggest that beer be put in the Coke machine.
Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.

Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN"

Determine how many cups of coffee is too many,.

Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in the fish tank. If no one notices, take out your snorkel and see how many you can catch in your mouth.

Send e-mail messages saying free pizza and donuts etc ... in the lunchroom, when people complain that there was none..

Just lean back, pat your stomach and say, "Oh you've got to be faster then that."

Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

In the memo field of all your checks write, "for sexual favors".

When driving colleagues around insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep 'em tuned up"

Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think!"

Practice making fax and modem sounds.
Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss.
Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy".
Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire working area, and insist to others that you "like it that way".

dont use any punctuation As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

Ask people what gender they are.

While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

Sit in your car, parked at lunch time, pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

Honk and wave to strangers.

Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat the complimentary mints by the cash register.

Sing along at the opera.

Tell your friends that you can't attend their party, five days prior to the event, because you're "not in the mood".



Man With No Ears!
There was this man who was in a horrible accident, and was injured.

But the only permanent damage he suffered was the amputation of both of his ears.

As a result of this "unusual" handicap, he was very self-conscious about his having no ears.

Because of the accident, he received a large sum of money from the insurance company. So he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm.

But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business.

He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them.

The first interview went really well.

He really liked this guy.

His last question for this first candidate was, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?"

The guy said, "Now that you mention it, you have no ears."

The man got really upset and threw the guy out.

The second interview went even better than the first.

Again, to conclude the interview, the man asked the same question again, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?"

This guy also noticed, "Yes, you have no ears."

The man was really upset again, and threw this second candidate out.

Then he had the third interview.. Almost certain that he wanted to hire this guy, the man once again asked, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?"

The guy replied "Yeah, you're wearing contact lenses."

Surprised, the man then asked, "Wow! That's quite perceptive of you!

How could you tell?"

The guy burst out laughing and said, "Well, You can't wear glasses if you don't have any ears!"
















If you like this page, why not send it to a friend?

If you have enjoyed this page, why not send it to a friend?
To: Enter e-mail address
Subject: Pick a subject
Your Name: