Religious Jokes!
Bible
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a
little prophet.
Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he got married?
A. Ruth-less.
Q. Who was the first drug addict in the Bible?
A. Nebuchadnezzar. He was on grass for seven years.
Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.
A. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.
A. Honda...because the apostles were all in one Accord.
A. 2 Cor. 48 describes going out in service in a Volkswagen Beetle:
"We are pressed in every way, but not cramped beyond movement
Road?
"Why did God cross the road?"
God does things we can't always explain
Eve has a problem?
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I
have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this
beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that
hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a
man for you."
"What's a 'man', Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits.
He'll
lie, cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a
hard
time.
But, he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and
kill
things.
He will provide you with companionship and satisfy
your desires.
Yet, he'll be witless and will revel in childish
things like fighting and kicking a ball about.
He won't be too
smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
"What's the catch, Lord?"
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring. .
So
you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. .
So, just
remember: it's our secret. Woman to Woman."
George Bush meets Moses!
George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing
white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair.
The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the
other arm. George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you
Moses?"
The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.
George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and
asked again, "Aren't you Moses?" T
he man continued to peruse the
ceiling. George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once
again, "Aren't you Moses?"
The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "YES, I AM!"
George W. asked him why he was so uppity and had taken so long to answer him.
The man replied, "The last time I spoke to a Bush,
I ended up stuck in a desert for forty years!
Healthy Eating?
This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, die in a car
crash.
They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to the
wife's neurotic interest in health food.
When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion,
which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and
Jacuzzi.
As they "oohed and aahed", the old man asked Peter how much all this was
going to cost.
"It's free," Peter replied, Remember, this is Heaven."
Next they went out back to see the championship golf course the home backed
up to. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the
course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on Earth.
The old man asked, "What are the green fees?"
"This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You play for free."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the
cuisine's of the world laid out.
"How much to eat?" asked the old man.
"Don't you understand yet?" St. Peter asked. "This is heaven. It's
free!"
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?" the old man asked
timidly.
"That's the best part... you can eat as much as you like of whatever you
like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."
The old man looked at his wife and said, "You and your stupid bran
muffins. I could have been here ten years ago!"
Endless Moral?
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery.
He goes
to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you
think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car.
As the
man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he
asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you.
You're not a monk."
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry
way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same
monastery.
The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car.
That night,
he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell
you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "All right, all right. I'm *dying* to know. If the only way
I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a
monk?"
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of
grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles.
When you find these
numbers, you will become a monk."
The man sets about his task.
Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks
on the door of the monastery.
He says, "I have traveled the earth and have
found what you have asked for.
There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass
and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth."
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show
you the way to the sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The
sound is right behind that door."
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.
He says, "Real
funny. may I have the key?"
The monks give him the key, and he opens the
door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man demands the
key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only
to find a door made of ruby.
He demands another key from the monks, who
provide it. Behind that door is *another* door, this one made of sapphire.
So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz,
amethyst...
Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last
door."
The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and
behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
*
*
*
*
*
*
But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
How many times?
A little boy was attending his first wedding.
After the service, his
cousin asks him: "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen!" replies the little boy.
His cousin laughed and asked how he knew this.
"Easy," the little boy said.
"All you have to do is add it up! 4 better, 4
worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer!"
Ripe Old Age!
Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, having left the pub a wee late one
night, found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.
"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "it's Michael O'Grady's grave,
God bless his soul.
He lived to the ripe old age of 87. Good blood, those
O'Grady's!"
"That's nothing," says Sean. "Here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says
here that he was 95 when he died.
Aye, those O'Tooles are a hardy bunch,
they are!"
Just then, Shamus yells out, "Forget him, here's a fella that lived to be
145 years old!"
"What was his name?" ask Paddy & Sean.
Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is
written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, to Dublin!"
Evil in the world!
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the evil that was going on.
He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out.
So he called on a female angel and sent her to Earth for a time.
When she returned she told God, yes it is bad on Earth, 95% is bad and 5% is good.
Well, he thought for a moment and said maybe I had better send down a male angel;
to get both points of view.
So God called a male angel and sent him to Earth for a time.
When the male angel returned he went to God and told him yes, the Earth was in decline, 95% was bad and 5% was good.
God said this was not good.
He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good and encourage them a little, something to help them keep going.
Do you know what that E-mail said?
Oh! You didn't get one either huh?
Other Women!
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands.
When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.
"You're running around with other women," she charged.
"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded.
"You're the only woman on earth!"
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.
"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs," said Eve!
Counting Souls!
On the outskirts of town, there was huge nut tree by the cemetery fence.
One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy.
The bucket was so full, several rolled out toward the fence.
Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate.
Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered, "It's Satan and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery."
He cycled down the road fast as he could and found an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come here quick," said the boy, "You won't believe what I heard. Satan and St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing the souls."
The man said, "Shooo, you brat, can't you see I'm finding it hard to walk as it is."
But after several pleas, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been telling the truth.
Let's see if we can see the devil himself."
Shivering with fear, they peered through the fence, yet they were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."
They say the old guy made it back to town five minutes before the boy.
Statues!
For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other
in the city park.
One day an angel came down from heaven. 'You've been such
exemplary statues,' he announced to them, 'That I'm going to give you a
special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in
which you can do anything you want.'
With a clap of his hands, the
angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly but soon dashed for the bushes,
from which shortly could be heard a good deal of giggling, laughter, and
shaking of branches.
Fifteen minutes later the two statues emerged from
the bushes with wide grins on their faces.
'You still have fifteen more
minutes,' said the angel winking at them.
Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue
and said, 'Great!
Only this time YOU hold the pigeon down, and I'LL crap on
his head.'
Adam Alone?
God creates Adam, and soon Adam is complaining that he's all alone in
theGarden of Eden.
So God says, 'Okay, I'll make you a companion, a beautiful creature who'll
cook and clean for you. It will be able to converse intelligently on any
subject, and never ever complain or argue.'
Adam says, 'That sounds great.'
God says, 'The only thing is, it will cost you an arm and a leg.'
Adam says 'Damn, that's expensive. What can I get for a rib?'
Conversion!
"My wife converted me to religion. Until I married her I didn't believe in
Hell."
Cat in Heaven!
One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven. There he meets the Lord Himself.
The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know."
The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor."
The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to heaven. Again, there is the Lord there ready to great them with the same offer.
The mice answer, "All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don't have to run anymore?"
The Lord says, "Say no more," and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.
About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you got here?"
The cat stretches and yawns and replies, "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are the best!" .
God will take care of me!!
There was a man called him Jim, who lived near a river. Jim was a very Religious man. One day, the river rose over the banks and flooded the town, and Jim was forced to climb onto his porch roof. While sitting there, a man in a boat comes along and tells Jim to get in the boat with him.
Jim says "No, that's ok. God will take care of me."
So, the man in the boat drives off. The water rises, so Jim climbs onto his roof. After a time, another boat comes along and the person in that one tells Jim to get in.
Jim replies, "No, that's ok. God will take care of me."
The person in the boat then leaves. The water rises even more, and Jim climbs on his chimney. Then a helicopter comes and lowers a ladder. The woman in the helicopter tells Jim to climb up the ladder and get in.
Jim tells her "That's ok."
The woman says "Are you sure?"
Jim says, "Yeah, I'm sure God will take care of me.”
Finally, the water rises too high and Jim drowns. Jim gets up to Heaven and is face-to-face with God.
Jim says to God "You told me you would take care of me! What happened?"
God replied "Well, I sent you two boats and a helicopter. What else did you want?"
St.Peter’s Day Off
Saint Peter had a terrible cold and fever and didn't think he would last
the day minding the Pearly Gates of Heaven. So he phoned Jesus to ask
for the day off.
"Why, Peter," Jesus said. "You know your health is my first concern.
Take as much time as you need."
As Jesus pondered who he might use to replace Peter, he decided to
handle the job himself. It was a very slow day and no one approached
the Gates until late in the afternoon, when in the distance, Jesus saw
a bent, white-haired old man slowly making his way up the path with the
aid of a gnarled cane.
As the man neared, Jesus said, "Good afternoon, sir. How may I help you?"
"Well," replied the man, "I was hoping to enter the Gates of Heaven."
"We would certainly love to have you," said Jesus, "but we do have
certain rules as to who can enter Heaven. Tell me, what have you done
to deserve such an honour?"
"Actually, I have done nothing so wonderful myself," said the man. "I
lived in a small town and led a simple life as a carpenter. But my
son," he continued, "Now HE was special!"
With pride in his voice he said, "I raised him to be a carpenter like
myself and did my best to teach him right from wrong. And when he grew
older, an amazing transformation overcame him and to this day he's
known throughout the world and loved by all alike."
As Jesus listened to the story, a sense of recognition came to him.
With a lump in his throat and a tear in his eye, he threw open his arms
and cried, "Father!"
Emotional at this outburst, the old man threw open his arms and
yelled, "Pinocchio!"
Entering Heaven!
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"
"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."
Where is God?
A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be assured that if any mischief occurred in their town their two young sons were in some way involved. The parents were at their wits end as to what to do about their sons' behaviour. The mother had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so she asked her husband if he thought they should send the boys to speak with the clergyman.
The husband said, "We might as well. We need to do something before I really lose my temper!"
The clergyman agreed to speak with the boys, but asked to see them individually. The 8 year old went to meet with him first.
The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"
The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?"
Again the boy made no attempt to answer.
So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?"
At that the boy bolted from the room and ran directly home, slamming himself in the closet.
His older brother followed him into the closet and said, "What happened?" The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it."
Million Years!
A young man asked God how long a million years was to him.
God said, "A million years to you is like a single second to me." .
The young man asked God what a million dollars was to him. .
God replied, "A million dollars to you is like a single penny to me." .
The young man said, "Could I have one of your pennies?" .
God smiled and said, "Certainly, just a second." .
Confess?
A drunk staggers into a church and sits down in a confessional and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.
The priest knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.
The drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this one either."
Want to be healed?
The bartender was washing his glasses, when an elderly Irishman came in. With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey.
The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?"
The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too.
The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moved very slow.
He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, too.
The third patron to enter the bar was a redneck, who swaggered into the bar and hollered, "Barkeep, set me up a cold one!
Hey, is that God's Boy down there?"
The barkeep nodded, so the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one, too.
As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!"
The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the door.
Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!"
The Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door.
Jesus walked toward the redneck, but the redneck jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't touch me! I'm drawing disability!"
Satan!
One bright beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes up early and goes to church. Before the service begins the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives, their families and so on.,p>
Suddenly at the altar Satan appeared.
Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other their desperate attempt to get away from the Evil Incarnate!
Soon, everyone has left the church except one man, who sits calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence.
This confuses Satan.
Satan says 'Hey, don't you know who I am?'
The man says 'Yep sure I do'
Satan says 'Well aren't you afraid of me?'
Nope sure ain't' says the man.
Satan asks 'And aren't you afraid of me?'
The man answers, ''I've been married to your sister for the past twenty five years!'
Irish Philosphy?
"May all who love the Lord, love you. And those who don't love you, may the Lord give them a limp so you can see them coming."
Q: Do you know the real reason Moses wandered in the desert for 40 years?
A: Because even back then men wouldn't stop and ask for directions.
God?
Woman1:I just divorced my husband. Woman2: Why?
Woman1: We had problems over religion. He thought he was God.
