I was never going to have anymore children after

losing David, John & Stephen. I couldn't face another

pregnancy let alone anymore losses. It was so hard

to learn to live again and move foreward, all I wanted

was a child of my own.

My road to living again took lots of twists and turns,

I punished myself and my partner for our losses and

finally I went totally to pieces. I loved Peter so much but

could not get over how useless I felt, I just wanted him

to leave me and find someone else who could give him

the family he deserved. He stayed with me and I couldn't

help feeling worse as the months went by.

Then I did something I will always feel sad about. I

cheated on him. Just the once although I am not proud

of what I did to him. We split up immediately because I

couldn't bear to be with him after what I had done. I

guess in the end I got what I wanted in a lot of ways. I

wanted him to be free of me and have a better life with

someone else.

Then to my horror I found out I was pregnant again.

I felt so terrible and ashamed that I had let this all

happen. All I could think about was when am I going

to lose this baby too? I didn't want to be pregnant, I

didn't want this baby, I couldn't go through all that

again.

I had no idea what I was going to do. I told Peter and

Steve what had happened. Peter didn't want to know,

which I totally understood at the time. Steve wasn't happy

but accepted it and supported me through the months

to come.

I tried my best never to think about the baby. I didn't get

attached to it at all, I couldn't let myself. I was just

waiting for it all to go wrong. The months went by so

slowly and as 24 weeks got nearer I prepared myself

for another loss. Nothing happened. I kept all my

doctors appointments and went for all my scans, but

I couldn't get it out of my mind that things were going

to go wrong again.

Things kept going according to plan. I still couldn't hold

out any hope though, kind of trying to protect myself

for what I thought was still to come. Then in November I

lost both my cat Poot and my beloved dog Sandy in

the same day. That was really hard and I started getting

twinges just after that. I went to the hospital to get checked

out but they said nothing was wrong. I knew differently

though, just that feeling I have had before.

The pains slowed again thankfully and everything seemed

to be ok again. Then in mid December, two weeks later I

started getting the pains again. I wasn't over concerned

because the baby was over the critical 34 weeks that my

doctor wanted to get me past. For 2 days I was getting

terrible pains but I knew baby was ok somehow. Then

early Sunday morning my waters broke, just a little

pop and I knew it was time. If he was coming he would

be 4 weeks early. Don't ask me how I knew he was a he

but I did.

I was so frightened of what would happen. I just had the

thought that he wouldn't be ok and things would be the

same again. My best friend Pearl came with me to the

hospital and Steve turned up just after we got there.

The labour didn't take long and after a half hour of

pushing Jack was born safe and well.

I didn't feel anything for him when he was born, I just

and looked at him in his incubator. I realise now that

I just couldn't take it in that he was ok. We went home

the next day and everything seemed fine. Then 4 days

later we were back in special care because he had

jaundice. Jack had phototherapy for 2 days and it was

so scary for me. I thought they were going to say

something else is wrong, but it all turned out fine.

I recently had a DNA test done to find out who is his

Daddy. He is Steve's. That has set off a lot of wondering

too. Maybe that is why he got here safe and well? I guess

that will always be a mystery. I guess knowing who he

belongs to isn't really that important for me so long as he

is ok and he is.

That one mistake has turned out to be the one thing that

has saved me. Jack is the best thing that could ever have

happened to me and my life has some meaning again.

I love and miss my Angels more than anything, but maybe

that was the pre-determined path in my life. If I had it all

to do again then I wouldn't change anything at all. I

would rather have had my Angels for moments rather

than never.