"Elementary, My Dear Igor!"
Written by Sam Gafford
PAGE ONE
Panel One: Splash panel. The narrator of this story is the Witch. She is a beautiful woman wearing a very revealing Hollywood version of a witches costume. She has a pointy witches hat and a black cat at her feet. Her entire figure should be framing the side of the panel.
Within the panel itself, we see the dead body of the MAD DOCTOR (otherwise known as "DOC"), he is in the foreground and obviously quite, quite dead. Standing next to him, screaming, is the GIRLFRIEND (MARY). She is a busty, blonde bombshell in the Kurtzman "Little Annie Fanny" type mode. Running down the stairs are IGOR (looking more like Marty Feldman in "Young Frankenstein" than Dwight Frye"), FRANKENSTEIN'S MONSTER ("FRANK") and a few other of the Doctor's creations. The creatures are stunned to see the Doc lying there dead and it is obvious that Mary is the one who found the body.
CAPTION: What do you do when you find the dead body of the man who created you and gave you life? You could bury him. Put him on a pyre? Have a wake? Or you try and solve the mystery yourself before time runs out and you end up dead again like our heroes in today's story that I like to call….
CAPTION: Elementary, My Dear Igor!
MARY: AAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!! HE'S DEAD!!!!
FRANK: Uhhhh! Doctor!
IGOR: What is it? What's happened? Whoa, Doc's like…….
PAGE TWO
Panel One: Mary stands pointing her finger accusingly at the monsters!
MARY: He's dead! DEAD!
MARY: The only man I've ever loved!
IGOR: (whispering to Frank) well, recently, anyway.
FRANK: Doctor dead?
MARY: He's dead and one of YOU killed him!
Panel Two: Igor and the monsters backing up. They actually seem more afraid of her than she is of them.
IGOR: Whoa, there, missy! I didn't kill him and I'm sure none of the guys did either!
MARY: You're lying! I know you are! One of you killed him and you're going to pay for it!
FRANK: What loud woman mean, Igor?
IGOR: Trouble, Frank. Big trouble.
Panel Three: Igor trying to calm Mary down but she is going bonkers. Over the next few panels, Frank is in the background playing with the Doc's body. He is kicking it, nudging it, trying to make it sit up. In short, Frank is trying to do anything to promote some spark of life in the body.
MARY: Darn tooting you're in big trouble, Mister! Wait until I tell the rest of the village about this!
IGOR: Now, now, miss. What would be the point of that, hmm? Why get the populace all in an uproar? What they don't know won't hurt them!
MARY: What do you mean?
Panel Four: Igor trying to move Mary further away from the body. The other monsters should be gathered around Frank and the Doc. Igor flipping through a date book.
IGOR: Only that we're not scheduled for a village uprising until…. Um, let's see……. Not for another three months! Well, there we are, then. You don't want to be messing with the schedule now, do you?
MARY: Well, if it's written down and all… I guess not. I mean, I….
Panel Five: Focus on Mary. She should look really angry, but in a comedic type of way. Maybe even lots of Kirby drama lines eminating from her.
MARY: Wait a minute! You're trying to trick me, aren’t you? Oh, you think you're so clever, don't you? Just wait until I get back her with the Burgomaster or sheriff or whoever handles dead people down there!
PAGE THREE
Panel One: Shows Mary running down the hill from the castle. You can see the outline of the castle (it's night, by the way) with a light on in one of the upper floors and Igor leaning out of it. I would suggest that this would work best as a silhouette panel.
MARY: You wait and see, buddy-boy! You're all going to pay for this!
IGOR: Wait, Miss Mary! Don't go! Don't…..
IGOR: … aw, spit. She's going.
Panel Two: Igor and the rest of the monsters gathered around the Doc. Frank is looking dumbfounded.
FRANK: Why Miss Mary yell like that, Igor? Don't she like us any more?
IGOR: That's the least of our worries right now, Frank. That bleached blonde is going to go stir up the villagers and we'll have to keep them from burning the castle down.
FRANK: Is it Saturday already?
IGOR: No, not the "Saturday" burning, a real one this time.
FRANK: Oh.
IGOR: I guess there's nothing left to do but activate your failsafe.
Panel Three: Igor pulling down the collar of Frank's jacket. Under that is a switch with the following settings: Holmes, Einstein, Lincoln, Stallone. The switch is currently set to "Stallone".
IGOR: The Doc hoped the day would never come for this. Changing the setting is such a drain on the batteries. I'll just have to turn it all the way to….
Panel Four: Big panel. Igor has changed the switch to Holmes and Frank instantly changes in posture and demeanor. There is now a light of intelligence in his eyes and energy bursting from his neck modules. Suddenly he is dressed in an Inverness Cape and has a deerstalker cap on his head.
IGOR: (in large, dramatic letters) HOLMES!!
FRANK: Really, Igor, there's no need for such dramatics. You know how I deplore the use of emotional outbursts.
FRANK: Now, then, the Doctor has expired, has he? I should say that that is something of a puzzle worthy of my attention.
PAGE FOUR
Panel One: Mary is in the office of the burgomeister. The Lionel Atwill character (the GENERAL) from SON OF FRANKENSTEIN is also in the office. Mary is distraught and babbling frantically. The Burgomeister and the General are looking on in complete confusion. PRIVATE PERCY is in the background and, although male, should have a definite feminine look to him.
MARY: abba blabby booboo blobbo!!!! Blobbo!!!!
BURGO: What the hell is she saying?
GENERAL: Damned if I know.
BURGO: Do we have anyone here who speaks babbling female?
PERCY: I do, sir!
GENERAL: Ah, Private Percy. There's a good lad! What's she saying?
Panel Two: Percy and Mary conversing. She is babbling and he is babbling right back at her.
MARY: shlabo bingo droppy do??? Bang bang bippidy blobbo!!
PERCY: bippidy blobbo??
MARY: BIPPIDY BLOBBO!!!
GENERAL: PERCY!
Panel Three: Percy relating to the Burgomeister and the General what Mary's been saying.
PERCY: Apparently someone has murdered the doctor!
MARY: YES! That's what I've been telling you!
GENERAL: Murdered? Deucedly bad luck, wot?
BURGO: For him, yes, I suppose so.
MARY: So what are you going to do about it?!! These 'creatures' could start murdering everyone in their sleep, you know!
Panel Four: The Burgomeister and the General conferring.
GENERAL/BURGOMEISTER: Bzz bzz, bzz bzz bzz bzz…
MARY: You're not going to attack them with killer bees, are you?
BURGO: Why? Do you think that would work?
MARY: (sighing) Do you have any killer bees?
GENERAL: Not as such, no.
MARY: Then that probably WON'T WORK!
Panel Five: The men discussing what to do. Mary in the background, looking disgusted.
PERCY: I know! What do monsters fear more than anything else?
BURGO: Tax audits?
GENERAL: Oprah?
MARY: Fire, you jerks!
PERCY: Yes, that's it! Fire! Let's go burn the castle down!
Panel Six: Mary in the foreground with a typically female look of exasperation after she gets the villagers to agree to what she wanted them to do all along. The villagers in the background in a Keystone Kops sort of formation with torches and pitchforks.
GENERAL: Yes, of course! Fire!
BURGO: Isn't it early for that? We're scheduled to do that in April!
PERCY: Never mind that! I've got the pitchforks!
MARY: (whispering to herself) I bet you do.
MEN: Fire! Fire! Fire!
(little fireman in the corner): Kids, don't try this at home!
PAGE FIVE:
Panel One: Frank examining the Doc's body. Igor is standing by him.
IGOR: What do you think, Frank? What killed him?
FRANK: Elementary, Igor. He was murdered.
IGOR: How do you know that?
FRANK: Look at the facts, Igor. He's laying at the bottom of the stairwell and his neck is broken.
IGOR: Maybe he fell.
FRANK: Perhaps, but did he also fall on this knife in his back?
Panel Two: Igor looking at the body, a little perplexed.
IGOR: (low voice) oh, guess I missed that.
FRANK: Everyone here is a suspect, Igor. We'll have to question all of our friends. Someone killed him. But who?
The next panel is a series of equally sized panels. Each one shows a different monster responding to the question of "But who?" Each panel should show the monster from the shoulders up.
Panel Three: Werewolf scratching his nose.
WEREWOLF: Arrgh! Hiss!
Panel Four: Creature from the Black Lagoon shaking his head and blowing bubbles.
CREATURE: Hargh! Not me!
Panel Five: Dr. Jekyll looking very dapper, holding his formula.
JEKYLL: Don't be silly, old boy! I've been in the lab all night.
Panel Six: Mr. Hyde grabbing Igor!
HYDE: RAGH! RAGH!
IGOR: I think he's saying 'no'!
Panel Seven: The invisible man.
I-MAN: Oh, now, really, if I wanted him dead, would I bother to throw him down the stairs? Poison is the only way to go.
Panel Eight: Dracula (bela, of course), sipping a glass of blood.
DRACULA: I vud ov suked his buld furst.
IGOR: What?
DRACULA: I VUD OV…
IGOR: WHAT?
DRACULA: COME HERE, YOU OBNOXIOUS LITTLE DWARF! I'M GOING TO KICK YOU 'TILL YOU'RE DEAD!
Panel Nine: The blob in a vaguely humanoid shape.
BLOB: Blub blub blub blub.
IGOR: So you were passed out drunk at the time?
BLOB: ….yes.
Panel Ten: Cousin IT from the Addams Family.
IT: biziz bizz bizz, bizz bizzbiz biz
IGOR: You want the house next door, friend.
Panel Eleven: Jack the Ripper fingering his knife.
JACK: Sorry, Boss, he wasn't my type.
Panel Twelve: Freddy, Jason, and Michael Myers, trying to look menacing but really just looking stupid.
IGOR: Nah, you guys don't have the cajones.
Panels Thirteen and Fourteen:
FRANK: I'm afraid that this is getting us nowhere, Igor. We're running out of time. There's only one option left.
IGOR: You don't mean??
PAGE SIX:
Panel One: Splash panel. Shows the Doc's body under a sheet on the operating table. This is the old traditional Mad Scientist lab as seen in the original FRANKENSTEIN. Frank is wearing a lab coat now but still has his deerstalker cap on and is smoking his pipe.
FRANK: YES! REVIVIFICATION!
IGOR: (in small letters) I hate these things…
Panel Two: (inset) Frank yelling at Igor.
FRANK: Let the kites loose!
IGOR: I've already let the kites loose! I have done this before, you know!
Panel Three: Frank doing the Mad Doctor thing.
FRANK: Life! Give my creation LIFE!
Little Mad Doctor in the corner: Kids! Try this at home!
PAGE SEVEN:
Panel One: The angry mob has arrived at the castle and are debating what to do.
BURGO: Do we knock on the door?
GENERAL: No. Just knock it down!
BURGO: I say, that's awfully rude.
MARY: Will you just knock down the FRIGGING DOOR!
Panel Two: Everyone staring at Mary.
MARY: (sheepishly) well, I mean…
Panel Three: The burgo and the general go back to debating the manners of knocking on the door.
BURGO: So do we knock on the door? Or knock the door down?
GENERAL: We could vote on it, I suppose.
BURGO: Are you serious? A European democracy? Are you mad?
GENERAL: Sorry. Lost my head there for a moment.
BURGO: I should say so!
Panel Four: Back to the lab. The Doc's hand has come out from under the sheet and is moving.
FRANK: It's alive! IT'S ALIVE!
IGOR: (reading a book titled REVIVING THE DEAD FOR DUMMIES) Of course he is. These books can teach you how to do anything!
FRANK: Quick, Doctor, they're at the door. Who murdered you?
Panel Five: Frank bending down to a now living Doctor who is whispering in Frank's ear. Igor is on the other side of Frank, listening through his other ear.
DOC: (whispering) buzz buzz
FRANK/IGOR: You're kidding!
PAGE EIGHT:
Panel One: The Burgomeister and the mob in front of the door as it bursts open from inside.
BURGO: So, we're decided then? We knock ON the door first and THEN we knock DOWN the door, right?
GENERAL/MEN: Right!
Sfx: SMASH!
FRANK: Hold it right there, my good man! I have someone here who can shed some light on the case!
Panel Two: The Doctor comes up and stands in the middle of the door. The mob is gasping and Mary is edging away from the crowd in the background.
Mob: He's alive! How'd that happen? Whattaya mean he's not dead? I'm missing FRIENDS for this?
DOCTOR: The one who killed me is…..
Panel Three: The Doctor pointing his finger at Mary, who is both proud and defiant.
DOCTOR: MARY!
MOB: GASP! CHOKE!
MARY: That's right! I did it! And I'd do it again! You never paid enough attention to me. Always working in your lab with your precious monsters. Never enough time for Mary.
MARY: You got what you deserved, you jerk!
Panel Four: The General arresting Mary.
FRANK: Take her away, Constable!
GENERAL: Ahem. I arrest you in the name of the…
MARY: Oh, stuff it, you fat monkey!
GENERAL: All right, that's enough of that now.
Panel Five: Frank, Igor and the Doc. Standing outside the castle door.
IGOR: Tough break, Doc. Being offed by your girlfriend.
FRANK: Women!
DOCTOR: Yes, that's true. But look at the bright side! As a revived corpse, I don't need to eat or sleep! Think how much work I'll get done!
IGOR/FRANK: That's the spirit!
Panel Six: Another silhouette panel. This one shows the angry mob heading away from the castle. Mary is tied to a stake that they are holding above them.
GENERAL: One question. How do we prosecute her for killing someone who isn't dead?
BURGO: Hadn't thought of that. What do we do then?
GENERAL: …….aw, screw it! Let's just say she's a witch and burn her!
BURGO: Works for me!
MOB: Burn her! Burn her! Burn her!
CAPTION: (With the witch's head in the corner.) It just goes to show you. Behind every great man is a woman… WITH A KNIFE!
END