Glitter: the Conspiracy

It's in my eyes, it's in my eyes!

Glitter. You know, that shiny, sparkly little flakes of pixie dust crap you can buy by the pound at craft stores. Innocent decorative accent? Or herald of the damned?

Let's pretend that image looks badass and less like I made it in two seconds.

Let's look at who wears glitter. Only small children, teenaged idiots who buy this crap in their lip gloss and eye liner, and strippers. No one else goes out and gets this shit. You never see some 40-something businessman go "You know, my life is great and I make 100k a year, but my life is missing something. And I believe that something is glitter". Not unless said businessman's train don't run the track right anymore, it's a pretty fair bet you won't.

But let's take a closer look at the reasoning why these people would buy glitter. First, there are children. Usually fat and pudgy by nature, I suggest that glitter is actually a seasoning salt designed to lure children into a false sense of security before they are devoured alive by people like me. The recipe is easy: take one fat child, sprinkle with glue and hand them a pound of glitter. They'll be breaded almost instantly in this shit. Imagine some little kid running around, having fun with glitter then BAM, eaten. That's life, I don't question it.

Then there's teenaged idiots who cake themselves. Everything from bath soap to tampons have had glitter on them, I'm sure. If it's remotely feminine in nature, odds are some moron has had the idea of coating it with glitter. And while this normally is of no concern, there's so much glitter in these products that if you catch the light just right you'll fuggin' go blind. Think I'm joking? I can't see out of my right eye anymore thanks to some crusty glitter freak.

Then there's strippers. Not that I've uh, been to a strip joint before, *cough*, but I've heard they wear glitter only to get men in trouble when they find out it doesn't wash off worth a damn.

So there you have it. Glitter is evil. So evil that no use can be condoned for it. So evil that glitter may even be... ANTHRAX.

There are a lot of similarities between glitter and anthrax. Let's look at them, shall we?

  • Glitter and anthrax are dry, flaky materials that one can easily seal within an envelop and inhale upon opening.

  • Glitter and anthrax must be carried in air-tight bottles sealed for your safety.

  • Glitter and anthrax can both be thrown in another person's eyes while you run away. Whether or not you used glitter or anthrax, death is assured for the one you hit.

  • Glitter is available at any arts and crafts store. Anthrax is available at any black market store.

    • Still think I'm paranoid? Then there's how glitter is made...

    Glitter is squeezed from the teats of helpless faeries everywhere. The faeries' legs are broken so they can't get away and their wings are thrashed just for fun. All the harvested glitter is then sent to a processing plant where they bottle it for direct consumption without cleaning or sanitizing it. Holy shit you evil bastards, how can you condone this being done to innocent faeries?

    Glitter is evil. Everything about it is evil. I'm sure if glitter was a person, it'd be a conglomeration of serial killers that cut the heads off puppies for fun when they're not serial killing, a rabid three-headed hellbeast, and Satan.

    Look. It's evil. Just trust me, ok? I've gotten you monkeys this far.