Rating: no sex, explicit violence, disturbing imagery
Disclaimer: not mine, never were, not ever going to be.
Buffy watched the strong manly man with the blackest hair and the greenest eyes in the world and imagined how cute their kids would be once he came to his senses and married her. He waved his large, thick wand and she swooned; the monster he had cursed fell down dead. Buffy kicked out at the three smaller demons surrounding them, quickly killing all three.
She turned to Harry to congratulate him on the amazing kill, but a small man was standing in her way. The hobbit began talking, blinking his soulful brown eyes at her.
"That was amazing," Frodo said, "you are the best hero I have ever met, and I've met a good few heroes."
Buffy smiled at him, trying not to lead him on.
He continued. "You are more gorgeous than the sun, more graceful than the stars, and more flexible than the entire race of Elves."
She blushed, and noticed the shadows move. Before she could dash over and save Harry from the latest evil, the evil stepped out from the darkness. He was clad in skin-tight blue and red spandex, and Buffy wondered how in the world anyone could think that was a good fashion choice. While his suit showed off his perfectly sculpted muscles but poor fashion sense, her tight cream leather trousers and skimpy pink silk top were combined for maximum effect on Harry and were an appropriate fashion choice at the same time. It wasn't working yet, but it would.
Unfortunately, Spiderman wasn't evil, just fashion-deluded. However, he was looking at her like she was evil. Where did he get off!, she thought.
She tuned back into Frodo, who was saying, "your eyes are like the mystical orbs of somewhere very special, and more beautiful than anything else."
Spiderman growled. Buffy was surprised; she hadn't thought Spiderman could growl, what with the mask and everything.
Spiderman interrupted Frodo's latest ode to Buffy's "alluring and symmetrical form," and said, "Hey Frodo, want to go for some coffee now that we're done with this mission?" Frodo ignored him. Buffy frowned in consternation, but soon came up with a good idea to get Frodo and Spiderman out of her hair so she could get Harry alone.
She said, "I think you should go, Frodo. Harry and I will catch up later."
Spiderman shot her a grateful look, and quickly wrapped his arm tightly around Frodo's waist. If Spiderman's hand rested somewhere rather intimate, Buffy wasn't going to comment. Spiderman shot a wad of webbing onto the building next to them and swung away.
Buffy wandered over to where Harry was standing over the body of the monster he has slain. Buffy had completely forgotten about Hermione, who was talking with Harry quietly.
As she approached, she heard Harry say, "You should just tell him, Hermione. He's a nice guy, I promise, all of us superheroes are. And he has a nice little apartment in New York."
"But he's in love with Frodo!" Hermione responded. "He'll never love me. I'm so plain and uninteresting, not like the hobbit who delivered the One Ring into the Fires of Mordor."
They both turned to look at Buffy as she came up next to them. Harry looked annoyed, but Hermione looked chagrined that Buffy had overheard her.
"Shall we all go for coffee?" Buffy asked. "Spiderman and Frodo have already left."
Harry and Hermione exchanged looks.
"Is Kagura going to be there?" Harry asked, and promtly blushed.