9/2/14
Hey Dom,
So yesterday....
You did Q&A on Twitter, and I asked a question off the cuff,
"How do you mend a broken heart"
Now, I did not ask this because I was particularly broken hearted, at least not in a romantic sense.
My last relationship ended in 2003, I'd been married to an abusive, sick fuck for 11 years, I finally left him, but, in the midst of some seriously heart breaking circumstances. The only thing left emotionally from that relationship are anger & scars.
You responded after i mentioned he had ruined me for men.
to change the script I have written for myself.
I told you my situation was very complicated, that I did not write this particular script.
I wanted to elaborate.
The script I am living was written by my biology. It does not matter what I desire or strive to achieve, this script always over rides it.
I have a bizarre combination of circumstances. I have Fibromyalgia for starters, which, some people have milder forms, some do not, I am the latter, I have had it for 22 years, since I was 22, i slowly lost more and more of my ability to function normally.
Fibromyalgia comes with a world of other conditions, all of which I have, very badly. I also have multiple gastrointestinal issues, and osteoarthritis thru-out my body, which started at 13, and depression and anxiety since i was a child.
Lastly, i am obese, and even thought I have had gastric bypass (in 2005), i am still over weight, something that has been with me since birth, by that I mean, i was a month premature and still weighed seven and a half pounds, and proceeded to be above weight my entire life, as well as tall until I was 14 when I stopped growing.
So, this leaves me in a position.....
1-guys generally do not find me attractive, though i do long for love, passion (something sorely lacking in my marriage, another sad thing for me is he is the only guy I've ever been with and it was so...utilitarian..not fun or passionate or good) , companionship, etc, I've made peace with that, it is reality. Not to mention, most guys that DO dig fat chicks, in my observations do not differ from my ex much, I have worked on myself far too much to allow that in my life again. Plus, I want someone healthy, & anyone who is about health, etc, is not going to be with someone who is not. Now, i still strive to be healthy, I have not given up on losing weight, but, fibromyalgia makes physical activity excruciating and difficult, add to that i am on a list of medications that cause weight gain and the medical conditions i have and have had cause weight gain as well.
Funny thing, doctors kept telling me i was sick and in pain because i was fat, I lost 200 lbs and it turns out I was fat, in part, to being sick. *face palm*
My weight is also genetic to a degree, for generations, we have been fat highly active women, which i was until the fibro started up. It wasn't until I was married my lifestyle began dictating weight gain, my ex, also obese, had horrible eating habits, which I slowly adapted to, and when i got sicker and sicker, to where I was no longer doing the cooking, etc, it fell upon him, and he didn't cook or shop, he just bought fast food, pizza, etc, and slowly added more and more and i ate more and more. That was on me. He is whats known as a feeder, after we split he married at least two more fat chicks... that's just what I know via mutual friends giving unsolicited info, ugh.
Bottom line, I work as much as I can on it, but, it is very much an uphill battle.
Now for the second part...
2-I do not think it is fair to burden a man, someone I might love or who may love me, with someone so sick and incapable to being very active.
In my heart i want to so many things, travel, hike, explore, just everything.... but, my body just can not do it.
Should I be selfish and TRY to meet someone, only to saddle them with this burden, make them unhappy if they want to spend time together and it involve not doing anything fun or exciting or worse have them go and do all kinds of stuff with friends that i can not do then maybe they feel guilty because i am home alone?
That is not fair!
That is so fucking selfish!
As for being broken hearted...
I realized yesterday i AM broken hearted, just not in a romantic sense. I am broken in body and broken in spirit because of a life wasted.
Thing is, my passion, the thing i feel BORN for, WIRED for is screen writing.
But, the monster, as I call my health issues, steals even that from me.
Even with "successful" treatment for depression, i can get low & dark, the shrink calls it a justified depression, not the same as what I am treated for.
She says my circumstances cause it, and I won't be better in that regard until those circumstances change.
To be specific all those circumstances are not JUST my health, which is not changeable at this point.
--NONE OF THIS IS ATTEMPTING TO GET SYMPATHY OR PITY, THEY ARE JUST FACTS--
(NOR a solicitation for help)
I also have no car, and have not since 2006, I can not work and live on less than $750 a month, ALONE.
The not working and being on disability, medicaid, and a small amount of food stamps (all of which i loathe and feel like a freeloader and mooch, I am very independent at heart and to rely on this for survival kills me!) is what makes me apprehensive about discussing my situation publicly on twitter, people can be very, very nasty if they can not comprehend being so ill, when not terminal, you can not hold SOME kinda job.
Well, I have no way to change those circumstances either..
It's just such a fucking waste...
I dropped out of school when I was 14 because i, essentially, had a nervous breakdown after years of increasingly intense bullying, but, then i rallied, got my GED at 17 and did a year of college, when I realized i hated school with a passion, I now see I was so bored, it was too damn easy, it bored me to tears.
I'd love to go back now, knowing all that i know now, but.... I can't. My body will not carry me, plus, no car and living outside the city... fruitless to even wish for it anyway.
I know this sounds like a sob story, but, I want you to know, mostly, I am not sad, I do not dwell on most of it, I do have moments, but, aside from the physical, which screams for attention 24/7, I am able to forget it most of the time.
Now.. one last thing.... :)
True Story:
The night before Robin Williams died, I was cleaning out who I follow on twitter, and i came upon his name, I looked at it, and thought I should tweet him, but I did not have anything to say at that moment, so I decided to wait and think on it.
Robin had been a part of my entertainment life since I was a child. But, more over, more than once, I had been literally teary eyed and down with my own depression and he appeared on a talk show and would have me crying with laughter by the end of his segment(s).
I missed my chance to express gratitude for that, and considering he suffered from the same evil mind fuck of depression and LOST that battle to suicide... it just made it even worse.
So, this is what I'd like to say to you.
I do not like to use the word fan, because, it implies I have you on a pedestal, which i do not, you are my equal, however i am THANKFUL, as Robin made me laugh when i was low...
With Wild things, you've helped me vicariously live some things i dreamed of... travel for one, in little tiny snippets, of course, lol,
and ANIMALS, oh man, Dom, i have had a life long love for animals great and small.
My childhood was filled with me endlessly chasing them, observing them, studying them.
Even now i do this. I love nature and all its creatures, and your show gives me a taste, and gives me things not necessarily other shows have.
Thank you!
I knew who you were long ago, but, I was pretty neutral.
My ex was a huge Tolkien fan and made me see the 1st 2 LOTR movies, it was not my thing at the time, I have changed since...
I watched Lost.
I did not become a "fan" via those things.
It was your love for creatures & how you interact with them! Then I started following you on twitter and and you make me laugh and you call people on being dickheads, like I do, and I was like, "hey, i like this guy,"
I guess I became a fan of you as a person?
Ok, Dom, i know this went on forever... I AM a conversationalist at heart.... although this has been one sided... I just fucking talk a LOT. :P
Much Love,
Heather Linn
@Heatherondo