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All I ever wanted was someone to notice me for me. I feel that I finally found that person. Sure I might have a child already but let's face it, I don't really have to be with his father if it can be helped. I really don't trust him and I know he is a good guy, but when he gave me an infection and wouldn't get himself checked out, that made me think twice.

When I first met this guy I am trying to 'hook' up with now, I wasn't with anyone. We were working at a college radio station as DJ's, so I don't know if he thought I was with someone or not. Truth is I really wanted to be with this guy, not sure why either I was just really attracted to him. The closer to the future

So it is Christmas time and I was having a good time. The day after Christmas was a whole other story. I can't believe she left us alone there. Just me,him and the dogs. Too bad it was the boondocks of the town.

So Rich gets it in his head to get me in my bed, and he did. I was so scared but good thing Bruiser, the crazy chihuahua of mine was there. He didn't stay in me very long but it was long enough for him to do his sinful deed.

My sister was visiting at the time, she always liked incense sticks. So I thought it was unusual that the smell of it would get me feeling sick. Well my mother got a pregnancy test and made me take it. I found out in January that I was pregnant. I was just so scared. The first pap smear ever

So there I am with my mom sitting in the examination room. The nurse told me to completely undress myself and put on a gown. I didn't really know why. When I saw what the doctor was going to do I freaked out.

Now, usually those pap smears are just 'uncomfortable' from what I been told. But not only did I find it to be that, I also found it painful. When she put that speculum inside of me I screamed from pain and fear. I don't even know how they got me to calm down, I think they put a muscle relaxer.

If anyone has ever been raped numerous times they can understand the fear, but the pain really isn't suppose to be there. I guess it was all in my head. Whatever the case may be I felt pain. The pap smear wasn't but 5 minutes but it felt like a life time. Closer to the present still

So there I am at home around 8 months pregnant just minding my own business. I had spotting a few days before but I didn't know that I was in labor at all. I wasn't even having contractions like other people do in labor. My mom had to turn around from work and take me to the hospital.

I must admit it was really interesting, I didn't even get to eat breakfast when I had to go. I was starving and I had to wait for my milkshake I wanted so badly.

The doctor put a fetal heart monitor on me and a device to measure the contractions. Sure enough I was in labor. Only 3 cm's dialated still in labor. The doctor hooked an iv up with some medication to stop the contractions. It didn't work at all.

I went one whole day in labor, then I went another 12 hours in labor before they decided that it was best to perform a c-section. I started having a panick/asthma attack right then and there. I was so scared of that thought of having a c-section done.

There I was gasping for air when Rich starts freaking out. "Nice going asshole" I was thinking the whole time I was having trouble breathing. I am so thankful for my dad, nurse, being there. He told me exactly how to breath and I listened. Stupid doctor and nurses were more worried about baby's father then they were me. My out of moment delivery

So here comes baby, though it wasn't natural. He was covered in white stuff. He wasn't breathing. After glancing at him for a moment, they took him away. Where I didn't know, I was too out of it. His daddy sure did follow though.

I don't know how long I slept but when I woke up, I wanted to see my boy, my mom wheeled me to the NICU to where he was. I saw him but I was scared at the sight of him being hooked up to different monitors. As much as I wanted to hold him, I didn't feel right doing it, also I was too weak to. The home coming

I came home 8 days before my son did. I had a chance to get a bit stronger before my son came home though. When he finally did come home, I lost so much sleep. I had to feed and change him every 2-4 hours. He also was very gasy and burpy. I relished whatever sleep I got.

So when Jordan was 5 months old he developed RSV so bad he should have been hospitalized. However the doctor considering my being a medical student figured that I could handle it. I could handle it however it was frustrating having to do a nebulizer treatment every 4 hours. Constantly checking him to make sure he was breathing ok.

I was so relieved when he recovered from that. Now I am scared that he could get it again worse. I been blessed that he hasn't so far. Even more closer to the present

I think that through this whole ordeal I have really matured in every way. Except one, I really didn't see that being married to someone I didn't really love was a good idea. Rich's mom pressured it constantly.

I so wanted to kill her every chance I got. However most of the time I just ignored her. This whole time I am getting a bit more depressed every day. I am gaining weight and it depresses me still more. The present

So he started slapping me and he claims to not trust me. He lost his temper and scared my son and so now, I am with this great guy I wanted to be with for a while now. There is one song that would go perfect for this little tale "What Was I Thinking?"