Augie
Let us travel into the future, not a century or even a few decades, just a handful of years to a time much like the present. We are still a world of consumers, both of goods and of foods. We think nothing of spending vast sums of money on meals that are high in calories and low in nutrition, clothing that is neither flattering nor practical as long as it bears the right name on its label, and alcohol and narcotics that give us moments of delight in exchange for physical and emotional dependence. And, of course, there is technology. We humans do love our toys!
Let me begin this narrative by asking you a simple trivia question. What do these women all have in common: Elizabeth Taylor, Oprah Winfrey, Anna Nicole Smith and Kirstie Alley? Yes, they all are (or were) celebrities, but more specifically they are (or were) celebrities with a weight problem. Over the years, we have seen their waistlines go in and out like the tides. Raina Telford, one of the most beautiful and sought after actresses in the not-too-distant future in which this story takes place, follows in these four women's footsteps.
Once a svelte one hundred and ten pounds, the five-foot-six-inch actress watched her weight climb to over two hundred pounds. Dieting and exercising became a way of life with her. She would lose fifty pounds, gain ten back, lose forty-five, gain twelve, and so on. She was constantly changing dress sizes, going from a four to a ten to a fourteen, down to an eight—you get the picture. Suffice it to say that Raina had tried everything to attain her perfect weight and maintain it: diet pills, protein shakes, prepackaged meals, Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, NutriSystem, aerobics, yoga and Zumba.
When she was about to lose all hope of ever ridding herself of the unwanted excess sand in her hourglass figure, she learned about an exclusive—not to mention outrageously expensive—weight loss program that was one hundred percent effective.
"What does it involve?" Raina asked singing diva Jonelle Linnet, who had not only lost one hundred and ten pounds but had managed to keep it off for more than two years.
"If I tell you diet and exercise, you'll roll your eyes and forget all about it. That was my first reaction."
"What changed your mind?"
"When I had to pour my body into a tent dress to attend the Grammy Awards, I knew I had to do something."
Jonelle removed a business card from her sequined handbag and handed it to the actress.
"I called Clifton DeLong—he's the genius who came up with the whole concept—and made an appointment with him. Now I'm a happy, healthy woman who can wear a size two Versace to the Grammys."
After losing more than a dozen roles to thinner yet less talented actresses, Raina Telford decided to follow Jonelle Linnet's advice and contact Clifton DeLong.
* * *
"Hello, Miss Telford," the attractive receptionist said when Raina entered the office whose address was on the business card. "I'm a big fan of yours!"
"Thank you. I have an appointment to meet with Mr. DeLong."
"He'll be right with you."
"Do I need to fill out any forms while I wait?"
"No, you're scheduled for a consultation only."
Raina looked around the office. The only adornment on the walls was a Jackson Pollock print.
"I expected to see before and after pictures attesting to the diet plan's success."
"That's not Mr. DeLong's style," the girl said. "He thinks advertising is rather tacky. He believes word of mouth is the best ...."
The women's conversation was interrupted when the inner office door opened and Clifton DeLong walked into the reception area. Raina was surprised by the man's uncanny resemblance to a young, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid-era Robert Redford.
"Ah, Miss Telford. I'm delighted to meet you. I'm a big fan of yours. Won't you come back to my office?"
"I've heard wonderful things about your program," the actress said as Clifton prepared an espresso for her to drink.
"Thank you. I'm pleased to say we've had a one hundred percent success rate. However, this plan is not for everyone."
"Oh? Why is that?"
"Quite frankly, our method is extremely costly. I'm afraid only the wealthy can afford it, but we offer a full money back guarantee."
"How does it work?"
"First, a client's ideal weight is determined and the weight loss goal is calculated. Let's say you wanted to lose eighty pounds."
"That's about right," Raina admitted.
"You would then sign a contract based on the number of pounds you want to lose. Someone who wants to lose fifty pounds would usually be asked to sign a one-year contract whereas a person who wants to lose a hundred pounds would need two years. In your case, if you wanted to lose eighty pounds, we would ask you to sign an eighteen-month contract."
"I assume by signing the contract, I'm agreeing to purchase specially prepared, prepackaged meals."
"No. Your contract is for the rental of a full-time personal trainer. He or she will prepare the meals from food you have on hand in your kitchen."
"A personal trainer? So I'm actually hiring someone to help me diet and exercise."
"Yes. Not only someone who is an expert at nutrition and physical fitness but also someone who will be there to bolster your will power when it flags."
"So it would be like having my own personal Jillian Michaels?"
"Exactly!" Clifton said with a smile that stretched from ear to ear. "Before you make a decision, however, why don't you come with me to our showroom? I'll let you meet one of our trainers."
Raina followed the man into a room where two people, one man and one woman, were standing as motionless as department store mannequins. After staring at the trainer's plain, expressionless face for several moments, the actress realized it was not human.
"What is it?" she asked. "A robot?"
"An android, much more sophisticated than an ordinary robot," Clifton explained, reaching for a simple remote control device that was lying on a table between the two trainers. "Most women prefer the male model."
The diet genius put in a ten-digit code and pressed the select button on the remote. The nondescript face on the male trainer transformed to one with George Clooney's features. Another code and George Clooney became Brad Pitt. Over the next several minutes, the android's face changed from Gerard Butler to Johnny Depp, from Clive Owen to Christian Bale and from John Hamm to Ben Affleck.
"As you can see," Clifton said, pushing the reset button and returning the android to its original appearance, "your choices are unlimited. Pick anyone, past or present, living or dead: a favorite singer, actor, sports hero, literally anyone at all. You can even change your Augie's exterior appearance any time you like."
"Augie?"
"That's just my nickname for the male model. As I was saying, you can bring him in, and we'll reprogram him for you any time you'd like. It's all part of the contract."
"I'm at a loss for words. I never expected such a high tech solution to a weight problem."
"I worked for both Intel and Apple, so I've learned to look to technology for answers."
After the two returned to DeLong's office, Raina asked, "Do you offer your services on a trial basis?"
"I'm afraid not. You have to sign a contract for the full term of your weight loss program. And I must inform you that there are severe penalties for early termination of the contract." After several minutes of silence, Clifton concluded, "I'm sure you'll want to take some time to make a decision."
"No, I want to sign an eighteen-month contract today. I'm just trying to make up my mind whether I want my Augie to look like Mark Wahlberg or Leonardo DiCaprio."
* * *
The next morning Raina Telford woke up to sound of a blender whirring in her kitchen. She put on a robe and went to see what her trainer was doing. The android, who looked like Leonardo DiCaprio in his role as Billy Costigan in the The Departed, was preparing a fresh fruit and yogurt smoothie for her.
"There's no more wonderful sight than that of a man in a kitchen," she said.
Unfortunately, Augie was not programmed with a sense of humor.
"After you finish your smoothie, you will begin your exercise program with twenty minutes on the treadmill," he replied in Leo's voice.
"Exercise this early in the morning? I haven't even had my coffee yet."
"No coffee. Not until you lose the weight."
"But I need a cup of coffee in the morning to wake up."
"You only think you do. In a week or two, you won't miss it."
Despite having to kick the caffeine habit and being forced to exercise each morning like a hamster in a wheel, Raina enjoyed having Augie in the house. Not only did he cook for her, but he was also an expert masseuse. The fact that he was a walking, talking Leonardo DiCaprio clone didn't hurt either!
Clifton DeLong had assured her that the android would remain with her during the life of the contract. Raina idly wondered what she would do once the eighteen months were up and Augie had to be sent back.
I'm going to miss him, she thought.
Of course, she could always find another husband, but she doubted any of the men she knew could fill Augie's shoes.
* * *
Exactly one month from the day she signed the contract and first acquired her trainer, Raina walked into the kitchen for her early morning fruit and yogurt smoothie. Rather than standing at the kitchen counter working the controls of the blender, however, Augie stood in the middle of the room, holding a digital scale in one hand and a clipboard in the other.
"Your first weigh in," he announced.
"What's my goal again?" Raina asked. "Five pounds?"
"Four point five pounds, but five would be better. It's always good to lose a little more."
Augie put the scale on the floor, and the actress stepped on it. According to the digital readout, her weight loss was four point three pounds.
"That's a good start," Raina said, happy to see any weight loss at all.
The android wrote the results on her chart and replied, "Since you did not meet your goal this month, it will be necessary to increase your time on the treadmill by ten minutes a day."
"Ten minutes? You've got to be kidding, that's an increase of fifty percent. I only missed my goal by two-tenths of a pound."
"You cannot afford to fall behind in your goals, especially during your first month."
Augie went to the counter and prepared her smoothie. He then gave her exactly five minutes to drink it before ordering her on the treadmill.
As she strained and sweated for thirty minutes, she could see why Clifton DeLong designed the trainers with programmable exteriors. Raina would never have complied with the android's commands if he wasn't so damned good-looking.
* * *
Six weeks into the program Raina's good intentions began to falter and her willpower slip.
Why am I starving myself for a lousy four and a half pounds a month? I don't think I can take eighteen months of this.
Suddenly, she remembered there was a small box of chocolates in one of her dresser drawers. As Augie stood at the stove steaming vegetables for her dinner, Raina walked into her bedroom and found the box of candy. Like a naughty child sneaking into the forbidden cookie jar, she opened the box and ate not one or two but three pieces of chocolate.
Mmmmm!
The heavenly mixture of milk chocolate and peanut butter delighted her taste buds.
Suddenly, the bedroom door banged open, and into the room barged Augie like a storm trooper invading the Death Star. He grabbed the box of candy out of Raina's hand, took it into the bathroom and flushed the contents down the toilet.
"Was that really necessary?" the actress asked.
Augie grabbed her by the neck, forced open her mouth and poured a smile vial of syrup of ipecac down her throat. The vile liquid produced immediate results. Raina vomited up the chocolate into her toilet.
"I can't believe you did that!" she cried after wiping her mouth with a wet washcloth. "Mr. DeLong is going to hear about this. You'll be lucky if you're not taken apart and your components wind up in the next version of the iPhone!"
Neither her tears nor her threats had any effect on Augie.
"It's time for dinner," the android firmly repeated, giving her no choice but to follow his instructions.
"I can't eat anything now. I'll probably throw it all back up if I do."
Ten minutes later as she kneeled on the bathroom floor with her head in the toilet, vomiting up the steamed vegetables, Raina decided something was terribly wrong with Augie's programming.
* * *
"Hello, Miss Telford," Clifton DeLong said when Raina's telephone call was put through to him. "How are things going? Have you remained on track and met your monthly goals?"
"I'm calling about Augie. There seems to be something wrong with the model I got. I'd like to have this one either repaired or replaced with a new one."
"I see. And what appears to be the problem?"
Raina quickly told him about the incident with the box of chocolates and the syrup of ipecac.
"There's nothing wrong with your trainer," Clifton explained. "You cheated on your diet, and it behaved in accordance with the terms of your agreement."
"What agreement?"
"Didn't you read the contract you signed?"
"No, I didn't," she admitted.
"It clearly states that the trainer shall take whatever steps it deems necessary to prevent you from consuming items of food not specifically included in your diet. How do you ever expect to lose weight by eating chocolate?"
"I certainly didn't expect Augie to go ballistic and try to poison me!"
"You're exaggerating, Miss Telford. He had no desire to cause you harm, only to induce vomiting."
"I don't care. I want him out of my house."
"I'm sorry, but I can't do that. According to the terms of the contract, he'll be with you eighteen months or until you reach your ideal weight."
"I changed my mind. I want out of the contract. Go ahead and sue me if you like; I have plenty of money."
"It's not a question of money. Our reputation depends on your losing the weight. For you to do so, Augie must remain in your home. We will not take him back."
"Then I'll call the police and have him removed."
"I don't think you'll do that, Miss Telford."
"Oh, no?"
"No. Augie won't allow you."
A moment later, the android took the cell phone from Raina's hand, tossed it on the floor and smashed it beneath his foot. He then took a remote control unit from out of his pocket and sealed the doors and windows, imprisoning his owner inside her own home.
Over the next few weeks, a battle of wills between human and machine was waged between Raina and Augie, one the human being had no chance of winning. Still, the more forceful Augie was, the more rebellious Raina became. When he tried to increase her exercise time, she refused to go on the treadmill. The android countered by cutting back on her food. The actress retaliated by refusing to eat. After two days of forced starvation, however, the fight left her.
Cowed into submission and forced to follow her trainer's strict routine of diet and exercise, Raina only hoped someone would begin to worry about not having heard from her and come to the house to see if something was wrong.
Two days later, when the actress was toweling off from a shower after a strenuous workout, she heard the intercom buzz. Her heart lifted; someone was at the front door.
If I can just get to it before Augie does, she thought, pulling the bathroom door open.
"Hello?"
Raina stopped and stared open-mouthed as the android spoke through the intercom to her friend Carrie.
"I'm sorry I can't come to the door," Augie said in Raina's voice. "I've been working out and I was just about to get into the shower. Why don't I call you in a few days or so and we can go out to lunch?"
The actress felt her last hope for freedom slip away when Augie turned off the intercom and Carrie drove away in her car.
* * *
Raina woke, stumbled out of bed and like a lifeless automaton walked into the kitchen. The handsome Leonardo DiCaprio face that had once been a source of delight now only tormented her.
"It's the first of the month," Augie announced, holding the now familiar scale and clipboard in his hands. "Time to weigh in."
Her will broken, the actress obediently followed his command.
"Congratulations!" he exclaimed, beaming with Leonardo's boyish smile. "You lost five pounds this month! That makes a total of forty pounds. You're at the halfway mark!"
Augie put away the scale and clipboard and went to the counter to make her smoothie.
"You're going to need some new clothes soon. Your old ones are getting too big on you."
Once the idea of going down a size would have delighted Raina. Now, however, she felt no joy at the news. Happiness, like all other emotions, was beyond her.
"Here you are," the trainer said, handing her a cold mixture of fruit and yogurt.
She drank it down without stopping, no longer distinguishing between the flavors of the various fruits. It was the same concoction every day, and she had long grown used to it.
Raina left the empty glass in the sink and walked to the treadmill. She needed no music to accompany her workout. It was all mindless routine. Right foot. Left foot. Right foot. Left foot. No thought involved. She didn't even notice Augie watching her with approval as she sweated.
"You're doing great," he said encouragingly.
The timer went off, and the actress stopped walking on cue. The day ahead of her would be like all the others: a rest break following by weightlifting. She would have a light snack and then do laps in her pool. After eating the lunch Augie prepared, she would have another rest break and then begin another half hour of cardio training. Another rest period followed by dinner: a bland mixture of steamed vegetables and lean chicken breast.
It had been nearly a year since she'd had something appetizing to eat. Suddenly she remembered the last meal she'd eaten before Augie entered her life: a salad with honey mustard dressing, spaghetti and meatballs, garlic bread, a glass of sweet tea and, for dessert, New York cheesecake. The memory of the creamy confection made her mouth water, and her senses began to waken from their moribund state.
Why have I let myself be treated like this? she wondered angrily. I'm a wealthy, successful actress. I've been virtually imprisoned in my own home, starved and practically tortured by a machine and a self-proclaimed genius whose only claim to fame was that he helped design the iMac.
Like Peter Finch in Network, she was as mad as hell and was not going to take it anymore!
Using her skills as an actress, she maintained her zombie-like demeanor throughout the morning and afternoon. She offered no resistance to Augie's demands as she pushed herself to her physical limits. Finally, she sat down at the dining room table and waited for her personal trainer to serve her. Once again, it was lean grilled chicken breast and steamed vegetables.
With no word of thanks to Augie who stood beside the table to make sure she ate what was on her plate, Raina picked up her knife and fork and proceeded to cut her meat. Suddenly, she rose from her chair and plunged the serrated steak knife into the trainer's Leonardo DiCaprio-like face.
Although the attack did not destroy him, it did temporarily disable him. This gave the actress the opportunity to get the remote control from his pocket, open the front door and escape her captivity. As she ran out into the cool, darkening twilight, she enjoyed her first taste of fresh air in more than nine months. It was exhilarating!
Raina had little time to enjoy her triumph. Augie's programming had rebooted, and like a trained pit bull, he was on her heels. As she ran across the lawn to escape him, she was actually grateful for all the hours she'd spent running on the treadmill. She outran the android for half a mile before she began to tire. Augie, who as a machine was not capable of feeling fatigue, was closing in fast.
I need to get help, she thought, fighting her rising panic.
Suddenly she saw a car approaching.
Thank God!
The desperate woman ran into the road, directly in front of the approaching car. She waved her hands wildly, praying that the driver would stop.
When the car, a late model Mercedes, screeched to a halt, Raina fell to her knees and wept with joy. She was saved!
"Thank you for stopping!" she said when she heard the car door open. "Can you please give me a lift to the police station? I'll pay you anything you want."
"That won't be necessary. I'd be more than happy to give you a ride."
Raina froze. She recognized that voice. Terrified, she lifted up her head and looked into Clifton DeLong's eyes.
"Come on," he said, lifting her up by the arm.
"I don't want to go back home," she protested but offered no resistance.
"Don't worry. You're not going home. I'm taking you back to my office. As I told you, there are severe penalties for trying to break the terms of your contract. You should have listened to me when I tried to warn you."
* * *
Former cover girl Kiki Wayles looked at the splendid buffet her hostess had provided and turned her head away.
I mustn't! she thought, fighting the urge to fill her plate.
"Not hungry?"
Kiki turned and saw Raina Telford, the actress, standing behind her.
"I'm trying to lose some weight," she replied.
"I know what you mean. I used to have a weight problem myself."
"You certainly don't look it! You're as thin as a rail."
"Thank you, but my weight used to go up and down like the stock market."
"What did you do?"
"I tried everything, and then I discovered the answer."
Raina reached into her sequined evening bag, took out one of Clifton DeLong's business cards and handed it to Kiki.
"If you're really serious about losing weight, give him a call. He works miracles. I'm proof of that."
Then, having successfully dangled the bait before another potential client, the android programmed with Raina Telford's face and voice joined Jonelle Linnet, her cyber-sister, who was watching the humans on the buffet line.
I don't mean to sound like Augie, Salem, but a McMouse sandwich is not on your diet.
