The Web
It seems as though everyone is doing business on the Internet these days. All a person needs is a PC or a Mac, laptop or desktop, tablet or even a smartphone, and he or she can buy and sell everything from books to furniture, from clothing to automobiles, from DNA test kits to Viagra. The World Wide Web has made shopping easy for one and all. Even technologically challenged consumers can put items in their online shopping carts and then proceed to automated, secure checkouts. Shoppers need only point, click and charge the total to their MasterCard, Visa, store card or PayPal accounts.
Thanks to the advent of the Internet, people no longer have to waste their valuable time going to large shopping centers, outlet malls, department stores and mom-and-pop brick-and-mortar businesses. Because of online shopping, there is no longer any need for customers to fight the busy holiday traffic, search for parking spaces, maneuver through crowded stores or to wait their turn in long checkout lines. How effortless it has all become—and how profitable, I might add.
I, too, have decided to emerge from the dark recesses of the past and take advantage of this digital wonderland. I look forward to conducting business on the World Wide Web. In all honesty, I believe I will do quite well offering my goods on a website—not that my business has ever been slow, mind you. I have always managed to do remarkably well in my commercial endeavors, although, like any other business, mine has had its highs and lows in the past.
I must confess, however, with all due humility, that I am a master at the fine art of buying and selling. The main reasons for my continued success are simple: I trade in commodities that are always in demand, I am willing to pay top dollar when I buy and I only deal with the highest quality merchandise when I sell.
My many accomplishments are understandable since I have been in this business of buying and selling for more years than I care to remember. When I first embarked upon this venture, I dealt directly with my customers on a one-to-one basis. However, this old-fashioned way of doing business is highly inefficient and extremely time-consuming. Thus, the profit margin is comparatively small. And we must always remember: a healthy bottom line is what free enterprise is all about.
Through the years, mankind's technological advancements brought about great changes in nearly every aspect of people's lives. Accordingly, my business practices changed to keep up with the times. Being an astute entrepreneur, I was an early advocate of the time payment policy, I embraced advertising in all its forms and I began employing a multitude of representatives to seek out new business contacts on my behalf. As a result, my business grew ... and grew ... and grew.
Never having been one to settle for second place, I eagerly took advantage of every advancement modern technology had to offer to further increase my business over that of my competitor. Now I find myself in possession of one of the greatest tools ever conceived by man to expand my interests. Imagine: rather than my representatives having to go out and pitch a sale to potential customers, the buying public will be able to seek me out directly! Consumers will sit at their keyboards in their homes or at their workplaces and come to me, ready and willing to do business. Search engines will hopefully guide interested shoppers to my website by the millions. Yahoo, Lycos and Google will soon take the place of my representatives in the field. Who knows? I might even open an account on eBay.
As you can probably tell, I am optimistic about the future. I have no doubt business will be even more profitable than it was during the 1930s and '40s. (Now that was a highly lucrative era for me!) Not only were my profits at an all-time high, but I also acquired some of my best representatives during that time. Ah! I wouldn't be surprised if old Adolf turns over in his grave when he finds out that AOL will bring me more business than he ever did!
Yes, my customers will come in droves, all dying to acquire the priceless merchandise they can get nowhere else, not even on amazon.com. They will seek out the goods I alone can offer: fortune, fame, beauty, power and youth. You see, I do not trade in clothing, housewares, books, collectibles, stocks or antiques. I deal in greed, hate, lust and envy—commodities that have never been in short supply since I first offered Eve an apple in the Garden of Eden.
So, if you're looking to buy or trade, I just might have something that interests you. And you do not have to worry about the safety of giving me your credit card number because I don't deal in plastic, cash or check. I ask in return for my goods, only your immortal soul.
So, friends, come and visit me on the web at www.satan.com.
This website has no connection to any website entitled www.satan.com (if one exists), nor is this fictional story intended to direct you there.
No even Satan was willing to offer me a deal for Salem!
