The Adventures of the Clinton Township B Team
This is the story of a different kind of Laser Quest team. Normally you would expect to hear stories of the great accomplishments of the best teams out there, such as the Phoenix Pyros, or the old school Team Oshawa. But not this story...this story deals with a group that is far beyond the personality and skill level of NAC Championship teams....for this my friends, is the Clinton Township B Team!!!!
Today's adventure is an introduction to the members of this illustrious group...pay close attention, because I won't repeat any of this again (okay, I probably will, but hey, humour me damnit!) So without further ado, this is The Clinton Township B Team!!!!
Liontamer: Liontamer is a newer addition to the Clinton squad. One of the easiest ways to tell that you're dealing with Liontamer is by a loud voice, combined with a really stupid Gomer Pyle look on his face. It's not fake, folks...this guy really IS a jackass. Liontamer likes to play really close in the maze too, thinking that if he moves around and bumps into a player, he may throw them off their game and tag them a few times. The poor moron made the mistake of trying this on Psychojerk from Mad/Westland, and almost ended up eating Jerk's 5 fingers, along with the fist attached to them. Liontamer has expressed that he would REALLY enjoy hanging out at the Clinton Township Y2Play party on New Year's Eve, but instead he states that at the stroke of midnight of the millenium, he'll have a beer in one hand, and a joint in the other. While this may sound impressive, further investigation shows that he'll be holding an O'Douls in one hand, and a burning piece of wax paper in the other.....
Misery: Ah yes, Misery....they always say Misery loves company, and that's probably why Misery and Liontamer are such good friends. ANYHOO, Misery is honestly not a bad player....he just seems to hang around with all of the worst players in existence, and therefore his skill spirals downwards in every game he plays. The easiest way to tell that you're dealing with Misery is by looking to his left, to see if there's a guy standing there with a loud voice combined with a relaly stupid Gomer Pyle look on his face.....that's Liontamer, so the guy to his right will definitely be Misery. Misery's secret weapon in the maze is playing with both hands on his laser, in front of his front target, and just bobbing up and down and up and down. Upon asking Misery why he chose this move, he stated, and I quote, "Hey, it works for that Tinkerbell chick in the last birthday party game, so why wouldn't it work for me?" IT's sad to think that with a little bit of work, and friends that have brains, this guy could actually posess some skill....oh well, moving on....
Mason: I do believe that Mason could be considered the captain of the Clinton Township B Team. No other man could posess so small of a brain to lead this damn team. The easiest way to tell that you're dealing with Mason is by a loud, annoying voice, spittle flying from his mouth, and constant sweat running down his face, as if he's been holding in a fart for the past 3 years, and it's JUST about to finally come out. Mason's secret weapon is his personality....the man is so annoying that nobody in their right ind would want to stand around him long enough to tag him. Upon asking him why he is so annoying, he said, and I quote, "Hey, it works for Howie Mandel, so why not for me?" Mason's long term future plans are to go to the Valentine's Day Massacre tournament in Charlotte, South Carolina in May. Form what I hear he also plans on trying out for the United States Olympic Shotput team.....he claims he has "good aim and good distance".....oh yeah, one more thing, if you see Mason dancing around like a fool on crack, you may think it's the patented I Didn't Come In Last dance, but alas, it is not. He is merely trying to impress another member of the team, the "lovely" Ms. Marionette...
Crazy: As if his codename doesn't tell enough, this guy is a few sandwiches short of a picnic. The easiest way to tell that you're dealing with Crazy is by listening for a LOUD quacking sound in the maze, followed by the words, "Damnit, I'm not crazy, I prefer mentally unstable....STOP TAGGING ME!!" If you hear this, congrats, you've just found Crazy. Be very careful around him, for he has a secret weapon that no other quester has....he has the Force. After years of training to be a Sith Lord, Crazy's days as a Jedi Knight were cut short when he accidentally disembowled Chewbacca while trying to twirl his light saber like a baton. So where does he go from here? You guessed it, Laser Quest. Also be careful of this nutcase, for you never know when he'll decide to do something wild like wear his underwear for 3 days straight, or drive his truck backwards through the LQ parking lot while singing Barry Manilow.....but Crazy's one weakness is his secret love of the "lovely" Ms. Marionette....sources close to me say he has a life size blow up doll of her that he worships on a nightly basis...but again, that's just a rumour.
Marionette: Also known as "the girl", Marionette has quickly worked her way into the hearts of the Clinton Township B Team. Maybe it's that stunning way she moves her light saber when she's fighting with Crazy (and almost impaling anyone els ein the immediate vicinity of the fron house). Maybe it's the cute little way she screams and yells and begs for mercy in the maze. Or maybe it's the way she looks over and winks at Mason while she walks hand in hand with her "man" Crazy. Whatever it is, Marionette has proven that LQ is not only a man's world. The easiest way to tell if you're in the maze with Marionette is if you hear a scampering and tapping of footsteps running away anytime you get tagged in the back and turn around to see who it was. 9 times out of 10, that'll be Marionette. What skill........what style.......what....what the hell did they put in my damn breakfast burrito?????? It looks like a string bean! JEEZUS CHRIST, can't they get ANYTHING RIGHT?????? AGGGGGGH!!!! uh....oh yeah....talkin about Marionette......um......well there's not much more to say about her except that I hear she likes to play with Dragonballs.....which makes you wonder why she's with Crazy....
Quiverynn: It's possible that Quiverynn is the ONLY member of the Clinton Township B Team that has any skill. Just ask him and he'll tell you! He'll say, "Hey man/woman, I'm the only member of the Clinton Township B Team that has any skill!" The easiest way to tell if you're dealing with Quiverynn is if you hear the sounds of chains rattling back and forth from about 300 feet away. That would be Quiverynn...the master of moving in stealth. Hell, half the time you don't even know he's there until he's tagged you. I just don't know how he does it. Now Quiverynn has an interesting style in playing LQ. He seems to know a few rules about the game that us guys that have been playing for YEARS don't know about. You see, Quiverynn will cover his laser targets in the maze, without thinking TWICE about it. Now if you ask me, or any other LQ veteran, we'd say that's cheating. But NO NO NO NO!!! Quiverynn explains it like this: "You see, it's not cheating as long as I keep a target open. SO it may SEEM like I"m cheating because I"m covering my laser and my front, but if you look, you'll see that my back and shoulders are WIDE open, so the targets cancel each other out. So that couldn't POSSIBLY be cheating! It says so in the LQ Rulebook!" Um....yeah....so anyways, Quiverynn's ultimate goal in life is to train hard and make it onto the A team for Team Clinton in the N-C-double A......
And that, my friends, is your set of main characters in the Clinton Township B Team. Now don't get me wrong, there are MANY guest appearances on this team. There's The First Family of LQ Clinton (headed by The Godfather, Sky King), Lightning (the stinky one), Draco & Yasha & Eulogy & Gotcha (former Clinton A members...imagine that...), Big Show, and the mighty Mr. Socko, but the 6 member slisted above are your main players. When these guys get together, who KNOWS what could happen? Only your undetaker knows for sure. So for gosh sakes, stick around and stay tuned for the forthcoming adventures of.....
THE CLINTON TOWNSHIP B TEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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