The Clinton Township store of Laser Quest opened on June 20, 1997 (coincidentally the same day as the Star Southfield movie theater, Batman & Robin, and I believe even My Best Friend's Wedding!) The original crew of the store was Firecracker (GM, pretty cool), Charlie Brown (Manager.....EXCELLENT manager), Hiccup (Manager...let's not go there...), Serendib (Da Man!!!), Vader (But you can call him LORD Vader...), Draven (pretty fly for a white guy), Phinneas (laid back but a good guy), Gem (well, she was Gem....what can I say?), Diesel (yeah, Dweezil was a pimp...), Merlin (Vader's partner in crime), Iris (who?), Sk8Grrl (who?), and everyone's FAVORITE marshall, Gambit (hey look, sarcasm!!!). Anyways, this was a huge crew for one center, but I guess that's what they needed to start things out. Right off the bat we had a large cast of regular players, most of which would be the first group of members at the center. Myself, Ravyn, Raider, Justice, Felix and Vixen had all been members at Madison Heights for a few months before Clinton opened, but Clinton was either closer for us or just a more enjoyable place to play, so we all moved over there (mind you I didn't know any of these guys before Clinton opened). Then there were new guys that showed up on a regular basis and started getting pretty good at the game, so they picked up memberships and joined the ranks. Some notable people on this list were Godamuss, Psycho Don, Draco, El Mariachi, Scantless and Rain (hahahahah), Excalibur (oh wait, he was a Mad member too...), Kr@k(-)e@d, Sivart, Marshmallow (Clinton's first new female member), Spock's Ska, Data (who will henceforth be known as Sellout), Loki and Deadeye....the list goes on and on.
After about a month of putting up with us playing every single freakin day, the management FINALLY decided to give us member nights, which were done on Tuesdays.....I still remember this, cuz we played the SAME damn games every week for the first month. Hiccup said it was because she wanted the marshalls to get good at a few member games before she added more....then again, Hiccup wasn't exactly the best member manager we've had, so take her thoughts with a grain of salt. Week after week we were selling out every damn member game. It was INSANE! People actually had to call a couple of hours in advance to reserve their spots in a game because otherwise the games would be sold out by the time people showed up for the second or third game. A lot of us members bonded, as most centers' members tend to do, and all was good. We may not have been the best palyers in the overall picture, but we didn't care cuz we were having fun! I still remember the first time Exodus and some other Westlanders came to check out our store. We got STOMPED by them....it was pretty sad! but hey, all's fair in love and Laser Quest.
Things progressed like this for quite a few months. Godamuss becamse our first constant #1 player, and I ususally took 2nd each month, with either Psycho Don, Raider or Justice coming in third. But as always, things changed....members came and went, after a few months we lost Godamuss and Psycho Don, and Justice disappeared into thin air....Marshmallow got sick of being beaten on week after week and decided to take over a roller skating rink (or something like that....although I think that instead, she may have been "saved" by Justice...) To replace these lost players, we picked up the slack and got some more members too. Sephiroth (sellout), Blade (sellout), Penguin (sellout), Draco, Spike, Flight, CBR Boy, Czar, Bond, Floyd, Soul, and others joined the ranks. And then Ravyn became the #1 player at our center.....for about 8 months straight. Nobody could even TOUCH him. Again, I usually took second, with either Raider or Spock's Ska coming in third. Along with the loss of members, we lost a few employees too. Phinneas and Merlin went away to school, Firecracker got a new job, and was replaced with Wheels (although we all call him Carl...) Things were still going at a regular pace, but we were losing members left and right. People just stopped showing up for member nights cuz nobody knew how to run them. And then it was time for the 1998 tryouts for the North American Challenge....
Now of course, this was the first year that Clinton would be able to field a team, and everyone was excited about showing their skill to the rest of the nation. Then we found out there was going to be a regional competition first, to separate the men from the boys and give the REAL players a chance to show their stuff to the rest of the nation. So we had about 15 people signed up to tryout for the team, and after the first week, Godamuss and Psycho Don mysteriously disappeared....which kinda sux because they were REALLY good players, and the last thing we wanted was for Lightning to make the team by default.
Ahhh....Lightning....hmmmm....I think I need to digress from NAC '98 for a moment to pay homage to the man formerly known as Firebird.....let's just put it this way: for those of you who don't know Lightning, count your blessings. And for those of you who DO know Lightning....can I borrow your gas mask? This guy will never make an NAC team for as long as I am breathing the polluted air that he occupies....okay, enough about him....back to NAC '98!!!
So we had our tryouts and in the end the team consisted of myself, Raider, Ravyn, Excalibur, Spike, Data, Ragnarr, Penguin and Mr. Bologna (formerly known as Sephiroth, then known as Maelbolgia....an obvious identity crisis here folks).....seeing as we had never been to the NAC before, and nobody on our team had a clue as to what kind of competition we would be up against, of COURSE we didn't see any need to practice....or have fundraisers (although we DID try a quick draw fundraiser...I think we lost money on that though...) or travel to other centers for scrimmages....or anything like that. Basically we just kept on playing our member nights and didn't worry about anyone else. WE were one big happy dysfunctional family......until the power plant opened for business.
I guess some fools with no lives and a lot of money thought it would be funny to open ANOTHER laser tag place not even a half a mile up the road from OUR place. And what better location than in the back corner of some worthless shopping center....conveniently placed between Montgomer Ward's and the CHina Kitchen (featuring "Wok To You" free delivery service...and DAMN do they make one hell of an Egg Foo Yung...) And what better name for this place than "Laser Edge" (since anyone who's anyone knows that a laser doesn't HAVE an edge...)? Of course none of us fathomed the idea that any of OUR players would defect and go to this obviously sub-par laser tag "arena". And then all of a sudden Data and Mr Bologna and Ragnarr and whoever the hell our alternate was (I think it was Raze Traylor?) disappeared....and then we found out that they were now playing for Laser Edge...the obviously SUPERIOR laser tag "arena"...
Again, I must digress for one moment....not ALL of these guys went to Laser Edge. In fact, Ragnarr is currently serving 15-20 for indecent exposire, or something like that...all I know is that he's behind bars asking Bubba if he's gonna eat his cornbread. And as for Raze Traylor...well, he sucked anyways so as far as we know he started jobbing to birthday party kids and decided the best move would be to disappear before we booted him to the curb on general principle. Anyways, back to the story.
So we were left with 6 players...and of course we needed nine plus a possible alternate in order to go to the NAC. So out of the woodworks came Sivart...who hadn't played in about 6 months. He offered to joi in on the fun. And then Loki and Deadeye, who had been playing but really weren't that good (although Loki was sure good at accidentally slamming people in the crotch...just ask Psycho Don, or as we call him now, Falsetto Boy) but anyways, they also offered to play on the team. And to get a tenth player, we went to a brand new member named Spider, who of COURSE jumped at the chance to represent his team (he is currently representing his country in the Army....), so we now had ten players. So WHEW, now we could go back to drinking beer and sitting idly while we should have been practicing and scrimmaging and fundraising. But of course we thought we were the shit and didn't have to worry about OTHER teams...and why shouldn't we think like this...none of us had played any other members except for Westland and Madison Heights, and Raider and I (the co-captains) already had plans for THOSE guys....we were ready to kick ass and take names! And then that fateful weekend of the NAC Regionals '98 (conveniently located in Westland) arrived.....
But again, I must digress for a moment, because something VERY important happened before this....Ravyn, Raider and Heckler were sitting in a local Ram's Horn (as we normally did) after a night of LQ action, and we decided that we needed a name for our team, since "Hey, We're Team Clinton" wasn't about to instill fear and agony in the hearts of the rest of the region (although if Lightning had made the team, I think THAT would have instilled fear and agony into the hearts of the North Region...). We all knew that the old school members had a degenerate attitude towards society and life, and since all three of us were big fans of the WWF, we decided on Degeneration Quest! Or DQ for short.....which would have probably saved us in the tournament, but I guess we didn't think of that soon enough....but anyways, DQ was born, and this will come into play later on in the story, so REMEMBER IT! Okay, back to the tournament....
So it was the last weekend in June and raining like HELL, so what better to do on this weekend than to have a good ol regional tournament at Westland?? We got there relaly early so we could register and play some practice games, since of course NONE of us except Ravyn had ever played at Westland before (why would we need practice? We were team CLINTON!!!!). We did fairly well in the tune up games and in our practice games, and we watched as other teams arrived and we scouted them out, thinking that the only teams that would cause problems were Madison Heights and Westland....after all, we didn't know a THING about the other teams, so why would they cause any problems for us?? Out of sight, out of mind, right? And then Penguin could have SWORN that he saw Jean Claude Van Damme walk in with Madison Heights, and he was SOO happy to finally get the chance to meet a legend! He walked right up to the man and said "Dude, I LOVED you in Hard Target!!!" But then reality once again set in as Mr. Van Damme turned out to be none other than S.E.A.L from Madison Heights....oopsie! Opening ceremonies came and went, and we were HUNGRY! Since the traditional thing to do at Clinton Township was hit the nearest Ram's Horn for food, folks and fungi, we found that there was indeed a Ram's Horn less than a mile away from Westland. WOOHOO!! This trip to Ram's Horn was a VITAL moment in LQ Clinton history...because this was the first time EVER that Ravyn ordered 2 Hot Ghetto Biscuits, and shoved them in his mouth WHOLE! Clinton Township would never be the same....I ordered my usual #1 Platter of Potato Skins Without Any Sour Cream Anywhere Near It® and I was a happy camper. We found out what teams we'd be up against while we ate our lunch. Our first game was against London and Arlington Heights. We cheered, because nobody in Clinton Twp had EVER heard of those teams, so of COURSE we'd win THAT one, right? Then our second game was against Rockford (who?????) and Toronto East. Someone on our team said they had heard something good about Rockford, but then they remembered that it was that old TV show The Rockford Files, and not LQ Rockford, so again...we were DEFINITELY going to win that one, right? And our third game? Brampton and Downer's Grove. We had seen the players from Downer's Grove already and they were all wearing hawaiian surfer shirts and leis and all that good stuff. And as for Brampton, hell, we didn't even know where Brampton was, so how the hell could THEY beat us? SO yes, you guessed it...of COURSE we were going to win that one too! Hmmmm, so this means we were going to take first place in all three games! WOOHOO three cheers for LQ Clinton!!!! Unfortunately, reality had a different plan for us....
So we get back to Westland and Raider piles us into the back of his truck and gives the mandatory pep talk, telling us once again that we have a serious shot of maybe making it to the national tournament, where there'd be cheap hookers, free beer and a hand clappin, foot stompin good time....then we saw a certain member of Madison Heights stumbling through the parking lot looking like he had NO clue where he was....that was kinda funny, just ask Ravyn. Then we met the members of London. I think, if I'm not mistaken, that we and London were the only teams that DIDN'T have team shirts, and they were ALMOST as pathetic looking as we were, so we were not intimidated in the least! And then Arlington Heights walked in....um...well, have you ever seen Men In Black? That was the first impression that I got....old, retired policemen and FBI agents who were planning on using us for target practice. I was scared shitless, but then someone on the team once again reminded me that we were CLINTON TOWNSHIP, man!!! We can't be beat!! Besides, had any of us ever seen Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones play laser tag before? Didn't think so....so we went into our first game......um...well, to make a long story short, it was slow and painful, and we got anihilated to the fullest extent that NAC rules would allow. We went into the game smiling, and came out of the game limping, cussing, huffing, puffing, and just plain PISSED cuz we took last place by a LARGE margin and got absolutely NO points....three cheers for Clinton Township....
So what does a beaten team do between games one and two? Well we bitched a lot, and in fact we had a few valid points because there were some technical difficulties of some sort in the first 3 games of the tournament, and 2 of the games were going to be replayed, and all we needed to do was get both of the other teams to agree to play again, and a rematch would be signed. London agreed right away, since they had taken 2nd in the game and really wanted to show up the Men in Black. So we figured we had it made since those Arlington guys seemed like a good bunch of fellas....boy did WE get a reality check. Arlington refused to play us again because they saw no technical difficulties in the game and they thought it was a fair game. Hmmmm, do you think that MIGHT be because they took first place in the game? Huh, huh? Do ya? Do ya? So we spent the rest of the day plotting the demise of team Arlington, and we almost got our wish, but that story comes later....we decided that it was time to vent out our frustrations, so a few guys went to Burger King for some dinner while the rest of us stuck around and drank Mountain Dew while playing ghetto games in the parking lot. Then we saw the SAME certain member from Madison Heights mentioned earlier attempting to run after 5 people in the parking lot...he stumbled around a corner and we all got a BIG laugh out of it....and then the guys came back with the Burger King....and 10 Burger King hats...one for EVERYONE on the team! WOOHOO!!! Party time!! THIS would be the secret weapon that would get us past The Rockford Files and Toronto East!! LONG LIVE THE WHOPPER!!! Yeah, so everyone wore the hat and we were all happy....oh WAIT....everyone wore the hat except Excalibur, the anal retentive pile of MONKEY choad on our team. We begged and pleaded and rippied him to shreds, trying to get him to wear the hat for the 2nd game, telling him that we needed the hats for extra added power and energy, but ol Excaliwuss refuses to succumb to peer pressure, so we were without a hat for the second game. No matter, all it was was the Rockford Files and Toronto East, right? And then a couple of things happened that would sorta help pass the time in between games...
First and most importantly, some schmuck from Arlington Heights was carried out of a game with what looked like a broken ankle!! WOOHOO!! The curse worked!! LONG LIVE VOODOO!!!! And of course we ALL acted sympathetically towards the team, keeping a quiet and somber tone.....well, ALMOST everyone. Penguin (being the ambassador of intelligence that he is) ran right up to the guy and began laughing and taunting at the injured player, reminding him that if the Men In Black had agreed to play us again, then maybe...just MAYBE he wouldn't be sititng there crying like a little girly man in black....I thought it was pretty damn funny too, but I didn't express it to the other Men In Black. The OTHER thing that happened was that Brampton decided to go and break an NAC record for highest team score in an NAC game. Wow, hey, weren't these guys one of our opponents in the third game on Sunday? Um...does this mean they would whoop OUR asses too? And then someone once again reminded me that nobody had a clue as to where Brampton was, so how the hell were THEY going to beat us? I was happy, and it was time for game 2. We went in chanting "BURGER KING!! BURGER KING!! BURGER KING!!" And we tried getting ol Double A to sing along, but he was too busy being the area manager, so he neglected to sing along with Clinton Township. But hey, at least the OTHER teams were chanting! So now it was time to kick some serious behind! WOOHOO!! Here we go!!!
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Oh yeah, did I forget to mention that we took third place again and didn't even come within 10 miles of getting a point in that game too? Three cheers for Clinton Township...hip hip hooray!
So what does a SEVERELY beaten team do between games 2 and 3? Well, there's quite a few answers to this question for Team Clinton '98. The first thing we did was look for reasons as to why we had gotten stomped to badly once AGAIN! The reason was obvious to me....a plain and simple answer. It was all Excalibur's fault for not wearing his Burger King hat!!! Damn the son of a VERY ugly mother (I've seen her, and believe me, it's disgusting...)!!! See, if he had worn his sacred hat, then the ritual would have been complete, filling the team with enough power and energy needed to anihilate the rest of the North region! BAHAHAHAHAHHAAAA we would have RUUULLLEEED! But that son of an armadillo just had to go and ruin the fun, didn't he....either that or we just really sucked, which was the drift I was starting to get. So I tore up my Burger King hat and stomped it on the ground and then threw it away, cussing and screaming and beating every wall in my path with my fist....this was not the way it was supposed to be....we were supposed to WIN!! We were CLINTON TOWNSHIP!! WOOHOO!!! Well, someone kinda forgot to inform us that CLinton Tonwship sucks....or at least we did back in 1998....so I decided that the best thing I could do at that point in time was go home. And stay home. Forget about coming back the next day for more anihilation and embarassment...uh uh, no thank you. So I talked to the rest of the team and they thought I was a fool for leaving, but good ol Raider said he was cool with it. So I went home and stayed home. After all, I'm sure that Team Clinton would do just fine against Brampton and Downers Grove without me, right? After all, who the hell knew where Brampton was? And how was a bunch of hawaiian surfer dude looking people going to beat us? So I went home...
And Team Clinton got spanked like a red headed stepchild yet AGAIN in the third game...three cheers for Clinton Township!!
So we had been beaten and battered and bruised, and the aftermath of NAC North Regional '98 (conveniently located in Westland) was brutal, but it just may have been the beginning of the changes that we needed. The first big thing to change was that I, The Heckler, quit playing for quite a few months....we're talkin about 6 months here....and it was all because of the Madison Heights Double Agent....but I guess we'll call her Brenda.....
But before we get to the "Hey, Let's Screw Heckler" story, I must once again digress, for not ALL was lost in the efforts of Clinton Twp at the regional tournament (conveniently located in Westland). See, there was this game called The Jando Project, which really tested the skills of each LQ player. Limited shots and lives and a whole bunch of other crazy rules and stipulations made it so that only the strong survived in this skills game. And our boy Ravyn stood the test of time, taking first in his division and then taking 2nd overall in the entire skills tournament! Not too shabby for being on the worst team in North America, wouldn't you say? But anyways, back to "Hey, Let's Screw Heckler"...
You see, good ol Brenda Bren decided that it would be a humorous idea to leave Heckler's name off the list of participants from Clinton Townshp's team, saying that he wasn't a true member of the team since he left the team during their time of need....of course she didn't bother to ask our captain Raider about it...she just made this big ol shrine to Team Clinton, singing our praises, and put everyone's name on it except for ol Heckler's....so he/I got pretty pissed and said "awwww to heck with it!" (probably not in such nice words though...) And I took a major sabbatical. During this time, Raider and Ravyn both disappeared too, Raider because of work responsibilities, and Ravyn because it just wasn't any fun without us old school players in the house. Excalibur and Penguin defected to Laser Edge (sellouts...), Loki and Deadeye just plain disappeared along with Spike and Sivart, and Spider was the only Team Clinton (woohoo!) member left playing....during this time, a large revolution began that would kinda change LQ history forever. Member nights were switched from a weekly thing to a monthly/bi-weekly thing. And members from all Michigan centers (except Grand Rapids) started showing up at everyone else's member nights too. Which for us was a nice slap to the face because we got to be reminded over and over again why it is STUPID to have a plan of action for two teams in the tournament, only to find out you arne't playing those two teams in the tournament at any point in time. Also during this time, new members started crawling in and out of the woodworks. Eulogy, Bloodaxe, RedXIII, Zeus3149817364918 (give or take a few thousand), Moron, Demigod Al, Dragonlord, Raven (a FEMALE one), Gotcha! and many many others started palying during this time. And some of the old crappy players got GOOD, like Draco for instance....of course during this time, none of us old school members really knew what was going on, since we were all off on our own paths meditating and reflecting on the thrashing we received at Regionals. (Except for Ravyn...he got an internship in Washington D.C., and spent most of his fall/winter under a desk "shining the boss' shoes", if ya catch my drift....) None of us really had any interest in comin back to play for awhile, cuz none of us really wanted to be reminded again and again of the torment we underwent at Regionals.
And then something absolutely amazing happened....Heckler graduated from college.
Now while you all may think this has nothing to do with LQ, you are sadly mistaken, because it was around this time that LQ Clinton began it's second coming....it was around this time that slowly but surely, The Faculty was formed...
I graduated from college in December of '98, and while I was sitting at home wondering what to do with the rest of my life, I realized that there was something missing....and since I was still wearing pants, and still had a job and a place to live, the only thing that could have POSSIBLY been missing (other than my sanity) was LQ! So I decided one idle Tuesday that I"d head on up there to see what was going on....and the place had changed BIG time. New management, new players, new attitudes...EVERYTHING was different. And it just so happened that I had picked a great night to show up, cuz it was Members Night! WOOHOO!! The scary thing, though, is that the only old school member that was still around was Spider....and Draco. And BOTH had gotten REALLLLY good. Well, at least Draco did. Spider got about up to my level of play, which was still subpar. Other than that, I guess Nova and Shadowhawk had been having problems with Madison Heights, so they (along with The Brain on occasion) started playing at Clinton. In fact, they were supposed to be trying out for our team too....amazing, eh? I'm sure you all know how THAT turned out, but hey, that's a story for later. Other than these people, it was all newbies, and I was able to anihilate them all. It was kinda funny actually....but anyways, I enjoyed my first day back at LQ, but it sucked not having old school people still around. But before I could do anything about that, I had to take care of some OTHER business....
You see, Clinton Township had a NEW members manager...someone who had been a longtime arch enemy of the center...one third of the Seal Crotch Odor trinity.....ODIN!!!!! (dummm de dum dum.....) I was in shock, and I was QUITE apprehensive about it, because up to this point I had a major problem with this guy....after all, he was one of the guys who used to come to Clinton and spank us members on a regular basis. How could he POSSIBLY be working for us now? I had my thoughts on the matter, of course. I was sure tha Madison Heights had planted him as a spy to see to it that Team Clinton '99 was even WORSE than '98....seeing to it that the worst players in history were placed on our team, giving us no chance in hell of ever winning a game before the end of the millenium! AGGGHHH NOOOOO!!!!!!
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Oh yeah, then I remembered that Nova and Shadowhawk (and possibly the brain) were planning on trying out for our team, so that kinda killed my theory REALLY quick.....
In fact, on the contrary, oDiN has been the best damn member manager we've ever had. He is totally irreplaceable, and if any other centers are reading this and have openings available, DON'T TAKE MIKE, PLEEEAAASSSEE!! okay...enough of that....on with the story!!!
So I was sitting on the ol computer one night chatting when all of a sudden, who should pop their head online but RaVyN!!!! The one and only! We talked for awhile and he told me he was back in town and ready to play some LQ again, so FINALLY another member of Degeneration Quest was back!! We dominated the place for a few weeks, hanging out as much as possible and tearing up birthday party after birthday party, and trying to help other members get better so we would have some competition. In fact, there was a Valentine's Day lock-in at ol LQ Clinton, and I talked with Raven (female) and Bloodaxe and a few others and found out that they were indeed trying out for the team this year (Draco too). So I was content, but there was a problem. All of these people were planning on trying out for the team, yet barely anyone had actually signed up for the tryouts! And to top it off, Nova, Shadowhawk and The Brain had all made amends with whoever the hell it was that had pissed them off, so we were in REALLY bad shape now. Me, Spider, RaVyN, oDiN and RedXIII were the only ones signed up, and as you know, ya gotta have at least nine! So it was time to do some MAJOR recruiting....and then things got even WORSE, because Spider had to drop out, finding out that he was leaving for the armed forces in April, so of COURSE he wouldn't be able to make it to the tournament (and damnit, if he shows up that weekend like Spock's Ska/Annoyance did last year...I will KILL HIM!!!!!!) So what the hell were we going to do to get players??? Well hey, leave it to the old school members (and an old school LEADER) to take care of business.....
The first of the Four Big Things that happened to Clinton for the '99 NAC tryouts was that Draco and Bloodaxe and Raven (female) all signed up for the team. So this brought us to a grand total of 7 people trying out, and of course, we needed at least 9, preferrably 10 in order to have a decent team. But still, this was a Big Thing to happen to Clinton for the '99 NAC tryouts, cuz now we only needed to find 2 (preferrably 3) more people! This prompted the second of the Four Big Things that happened to Clinton for the '99 NAC tryouts. I wrote a VERY long and detailed letter to our former leader Raider, and gave him a 5 page scouting report of who was trying out for the team and how we really missed him and how he was the greatest player in the history of Clinton Township and we just COULDN'T have an NAC team this year without him and yadda yadda yadda and yackety schmackety and all that good stuff...and I went on and on and on and basically kissed his ass until it turned blue. And then I sent the letter.....and about 5 minutes later (DAMN this guy is fast) I received a 2 sentence reply: "Aw what the hell, why not? See ya Tuesday!" Now of course this makes me wonder if i really needed to go on and on and on and on with ol Raider singing his praises, or if he had just been waiting for someone to talk to him about it, but in either case, we had Raider back, and that was the second of the Four Big Things that happened to Clinton for the '99 NAC tryouts! And now we had to only find 1 (preferrably 2) more players to try out for the team, and we'd be set! Yahooo!!!! And thus, the third of the Four Big Things to happen to Clinton for the '99 NAC tryouts happened. A somewhat newer member by the codename of Eulogy had started hanging out at Clinton again, and I had remembered him being a decent player. Nowhere near old school caliber, but good enough to try out for the team! So I told ol Serendib (whose girlfriend Blondie was good friends with Anethesiology...errr...Eulogy) and he told Blondie and she asked him to try out and he said "Aw what the hell, why not? See ya Tuesday!" And so once again we were VERY happy campers, because now we had 9 people trying out for the team! We really wanted to have one more person trying out though because that would have made things a LOT smoother for us to have an alternate, and it is because of this that the fourth of the Four Big Things that happened to Clinton for the '99 NAC tryouts occurred. And we owe this one to none other than oDiN himself! See, ol Odie had been talkin with a couple of VERY old school Madison Heights members, namely Cool Ice and Doc J, and Ice had been saying that he really wanted to be on a team this year, but that if the team he was on made it past the regionals, he wouldn't be able to go to the national tournament because of some bullshit excuse like his best friend was getting married that weekend or something....but in ANY case, Odin said "Well hey, Clinton Township sux, and theres no way they'll EVER make it past the regional tournament, and you KNOW you'd make the team since they all bite donkey nads, so why don't you join me on Team Clinton????" And after thinking about it for a brief moment and talking it over with Doc J, they looked at Odin and said "Aw what the hell, why not? See ya Tuesday!"
Okay, time for yet another digression, because nobody informed me as to what the hell was going on "this Tuesday", considering tryouts didn't start for another 3 weeks. I was baffled to no end over this, but since these people were trying out, I really didn't CARE what was going on "this Tuesday"....come to find out it was only a member's night, but hey, it was nice to have more than 3 Clinton members at a member night! Anyhoo, back to the story....
So now we had enough players to form a team...this was great! And to make things more interesting, we had a few more people sign up for the tryouts like Gotcha! and LostCause (actually it was Maestro that signed up, but he never showd, so Lost boy took his place), and OdinJr (Mr oDiN's little bro...), and everyone's FAVORITE son of Clinton Township....you know him, you love him....LIGHTNING!!! WOOHOO!!! Long live the lord of foul odor!!!! So there was a total of 15 people trying out now, which made it at least a LITTLE bit competitive since only 10 make the team. Now we were ready to familiarize ourselves with the people we were trying out with! Personally, I've never seen Clinton Township get so packed full of members like it did at this point. Every waking moment that someone was free would be spent at Clinton getting practice and playing against each other in hopes of getting warmed up for the tryouts. It was quite fun, and we even met up with some people that SHOULD have tried out, but didn't, like Vile....boy oh BOY is he a good player, and we really could use him for the team, but alas, the lad didn't sign up to tryout, so we'd just have to do without him. Even Armageddon showed up for awhile, thinking he'd get a spot to tryout for the team, but UH UH, no exceptions...tryouts were closed and anyone who didn't sign up was NOT getting on the team.....
Okay, I know you were waiting for it, so here it is...ANOTHER moment of digression. You see, there were two exceptions to this rule. The first was BloodAxe, who was allowed to sign up for tryouts after the time had expired, but that was because Spider had dropped and we needed someone to take his place, thinking that we still didn't have 10 people signed up for the tryouts. So BloodAxe was in. The second exception was LostCause, who was taking Maestro's place, since again we didn't think we had 10 people signed up, so we needed as many people as we could get! But anyhoo, back to the story (again)...
Even before the tryouts began, us Clintonites had already changed our tune from 1998. We realized that we were a center known for NEVER travelling to other centers. After all, we were team clinton, and who was going to beat us, right? Well we found that out in 1998, so we decided enough was enough and it was time for a change. So a week before the tryouts, we sent 6 members to Westland for a scramble tournament. It was me, RaVyN, RatDeer, Raven (female), Eulogy and Armageddon (I'd STILL like to know who the hell invited him...) that ventured out. Well, something tells me that Westland hadn't thought we were serious when we said we were gonna show up, cuz Exodus was mighty amazed when we walked in the door......actually I think his exact words were "Oh yes...oh hell yes.....thank you for making my night complete...what's a lock-in without Clinton Township?" Which of course scared us shitless, in fact I do believe a few of us were ready to leave at that point. But we stayed on, and for the MOST part we enjoyed ourselves, because a few VERY hilarious things happened. First and foremost, that SAME infamous member from Madison Heights who had made us laugh so hard at 1998 Regionals was once agian in the house...and within about 10 minutes, he had us laughing HYSTERICALLY because we thought he had already passed out on one of the benches....in fact, I do believe that RaVyN was on the ground laughing his arse off for a good 10 minutes over that one. Tres hilarious. And then there was Dream Theater played in the maze...and anyone who knows Heckler KNOWS that Dream Theater is enough to drive the man INSANE! Also, that crazy Heckler guy fell off the back of RatDeer's truck, which caused laughter among ALL Clinton players, except for Heckler of course. And in yet ANOTHER hilarious moment, Eulogy decided it would be a great idea to try breaking a previous Westland record for most Twinkies shoved in his mouth at the same time. He managed to get 2 1/2 in his mouth at once, which was impressive, but a far cry from the previous recordholder...but DAMN was it funny. The tournament itself was decent. I ended up on a team with Jerk, Leech and Odd from Madison, along with Anomaly (who shall henceforth be referred to as '99 Style) from Westland, and Aramis from Grand Rapids (who was fashionably late with his buddy Sniper). We took 2nd place in the tournament out of 6 teams, being beaten by the team consisting of RatDeer, Exodus from Westland, Sloth and Vox Humana (who kick some SERIOUS ass) from Akron, and a couple of others whom I can't remember at this time.
Oh come on....look at that paragraph up there and you TRY telling me it's not time for me to digress again...come on, say it!!! That's what I THOUGHT!!! Anyhooooo, this digression is to tell you that in all actuality, our team TIED for 1st in the tournament, rather than taking 2nd, cuz we did have the same win/loss record (7 first place finishes and 2 seconds) as Team Exodus...yet they still only gave us the 2nd place prize, which was a free pass for a game *yawn* I was pissed cuz I REALLY wanted one of those cool LQ frisbees that RatDeer got.....but anyways, let's get back to the story again!!!!
After this it was time for the infamous Clinton Twp tryouts. (Actually they weren't really THAT infamous, but hey, it sounded good). The first week came upon us and the three games were VERY hard played. When the smoke cleared, it was Heckler in the lead (a HUGE surprise), with Cool Ice and Eulogy both hanging on his tail. Two strange things here are that Raider, our captain and friend, was having a REALLY bad week....he ended the week as our alternate, and this was NOT a good thing. No problem though, cuz he'd just step it up the next week, right? And also, Yasha went home early because of illness, and this would cause some MAJOR problems for her in the end...but we'll get to that part. The second week of tryouts came about, and for awhile, it was touch and go as to whether Heckler would be there or not, as his grandfather passed away during the course of the previous week. He showed up just hours after the funeral, and STILL managed to tear some shit up, keeping his first place berth, with Eulogy, Col Ice, and Draco nipping at his heels. Raider was STILL in the alternate position at this point, and many people were getting scared about this. The captain just CAN'T be the alternate. Hell, BloodAxe and Gotcha! were playing better than Raider was, and that just wasn't right! SO the third week came, very anticipated, and another 3 HARD games were played. In the end, Heckler managed to keep his 1st place spot, with Eulogy, Draco and Cool Ice bringing up the next few spots. The remaining roster consisted of RaVyN, oDiN, Doc J, Raider, BloodAxe, and Gotcha ended up as the alternate. Somehow Raider had an AMAZING showing in the third week, stepped it up a notch or two, and got his sorry ass out of the alternate position. So the team was set! Yasha just BARELY missed making the team....by about 2-300 points, and everyone agrees that if she hadn't gone home sick the first week, Gotcha would be sitting on the sidelines and she would be going to London in his place. But there were no hard feelings, and everyone was happy. Well...everyone except for Lightning, that is. The poor guy was just so sure he'd make it to the NAC this year, and when he found out he missed it by "only" 1800 points, he kicked himself in the butt quite a few times for it. Not enough to get rid of the smell, mind you, but he couldn't believe he "only" missed making the team by 1800 points (or in Lightning terms, 5 more games.....)
So tryouts were over, what comes next? PRACTICE! We alternated weeks, practicing one week and having members night the next week. We learned REALLY fast that the only way we could even come CLOSE to having a decent team was by working together and practicing till we turned blue in the face! Of course, it always helped when Lightining was around, because we all had to hold our breaths till we were blue in the face, but that's another story altogether. We practiced and practiced and then it was time for *drumroll please* another infamous Clinton Township Lock-In!!!!
But before THAT story, I must digress yet again....since the weekend before this lock-in was the first of the Two Big LQ Parties At Heckler's Place. This party was significant for a few reasons...first of all, it was at this party that Eulogy got himself inducted into Degeneration Quest. He slammed a bloody mary in 2 seconds, which was one thing, then he paraded around the house in his underwear, telling everyone he was wearing shorts. These two things plus a few more degenerate acts cause Eulogy to be inducted as the DQ Neophyte! Also at this party, RaVyN began what is now referred to as the Sellout Angle....some people (to this day we're not exactly sure WHO), really pissed RaVyN off at this party, and they continued to do so for awhile afterwards, causing RaVyN to flee to another center to play on MANY occasions....but that story goes a bit for later. All in all, the entire team (except for Draco, oDiN and BloodAxe) showed up for this bash and a good time was had by all...one week later was the next Clinton Township Lock-In...
This lock-in was infamous in many ways. The biggest being probably that this was the first time that members from Clinton started to bond with members from other centers. Westland had a very large showing at the lock-in, and even Sniper showed up from Grand Rapids! In fact, a few VERY old school Madison members (Walavoodoo and Bishop) were even in da house! We played all night and time seemed to last forever at this event. We talked more with the Westlanders and learned that they weren't such bad guys after all. In fact, we kinda liked learning from them and being degenerate with them! So the lock-in came and went, and at the end of the night, the Westlanders were still hangin out and chillin with us. WE even managed to kidnap the LQ microphone and we had the infamous DQ Spelling Bee between Casper and oDiN! It was a long, hard fought battle between the two horrible spellers, but the end came when Casper spelled Astronaut correctly, but oDiN had one HELL of a time with Mississauga.....so Casper became the first ever DQ spelling bee champion! An hour or two later, we all finally decided to go home (it was about 10am at this point....) At this point, Clinton Twp was really getting quite a reputation as the best damn lock-ins this side of the mississippi! (not to be confused with the mississauga) Also a point to note is that RaVyN began to really hang out with the Westland guys on a regular basis from this point forward....he barely ever PLAYED at Clinton, even though he'd show up for practices and such....What could possibly be next on the list of things to do for the Worst Damn Team In North America???
Ah yes.......scrimmages....
The first NAC scrimmage was held at Madison Heights, and it was originally supposed to be just Mad and Clinton, but of course those crazy Westlanders decided to show up and ruin the fun! Clinton was missing Gotcha, Raider and Heckler, but Red Shift and another member were missing from Mad's team, so in the end the teams were all equal. Despite tons of pack problems, 3 scrimmage games were played, with Westland dominating the first one (um, they were given no shoulders or lasers....), and Clinton squeaking by in the second one, and Madison taking the third one. So all three teams had a win in the scrimmages, and the Clintonites were happy that they weren't raped at the hands of the rest of Michigan, like they were used to by this point. Was it possible that Clinton's team was getting better? Oh wait, that's impossible....this was the worst damn team in North America.....next on the events list was another wacky Westland Lock-In!
About a week after the scrimmages, Westland had a lock-in fundraiser for their NAC team. This would prove to be one of the biggest and most influential nights in Clinton/Westland HISTORY! The only Clintonites to show up for this were the DQ members, but DQ did represent in FULL force. Everyone was getting along with EVERYONE at this lock-in, and as a token of good will, the two teams worked together in liberating a stop sign from its stump on the corner of Warren and Nankin roads.
Okay, digression time....while we al DID try to work together on the stop sign, one very large member of the Westland Wolfpack showed up and singlehandedly anihilated the stop sign in about 10 seconds, threw it over his shoulder, and proceeded to take it with him back to the center...but it's the thought that counts, right??
Anyhoo, games were played, relations were GREAT, and somehoe Eulogy AND Heckler managed to take first place in a game, with a third game consisting of all DQ members in the top 5....not too bad considering they were still the Worst Damn Team in North America, eh? Then the REAL fun began, as the "fundraiser" part of the lock-in was underway. The Wolfpackers had gathered up some money to buy hundreds of plates and quite a few large tubes of non-dairy whipped cream....upon combining the two, some really evil looking cream pies were formed. The deal was this: pay .50, and pie the Wolfpacker of choice in the face. Of course the DQ members took FULL advantage of this, parting with their pennies and putting the smack down on the Pack.....of course, when Bravo stepped up for his turn, I don't think anyone was willing to willingly pie the big man in the face, so he coaxed and prodded and heckled® the rest of the players until FINALLY r@der put in some money and put the pie on Bravo. After the festivities were over, the DQ members hung out in r@der's truck, taking a break from the games and just soaking in some of the night sky. Things were going great, until out of the corner of his eye, Heckler saw Bravo and The Force (both Wolfpack 4 LIfe) walking towards the truck with their hands behind their backs, smiling a VERY bright, shit eating grin. Heckler knew what was up, and he DOVE out of the truck and ran like a little school girl.....of course he was followed, and of course he was cornered, and upon removing his glasses.......of course he was pied in the face twice by the Wolfpack members...an induction to Westland, I suppose, but regardless, the cream actually DID taste good. A small price to pay for good relations with another center! But little did we know, the BIG relations were still yet to come...
All of the craziness of the night had prompted the members of DQ to realize that these Westland guys were pretty degenerate! They also realized that there were only 4 members in the ranks of DQ< and that was hardly a force to be reckoned with (although they were REALLY good at getting revenge and such...) So the offer was made to the Wolfpackers to become members of Degeneration Quest. After some quick discussion, the Wolfpack members agreed to become a part of the group, and had an EXTRA incentive for DQ. It appears that the Pack had been discussing inducting the 4 DQ members into the Westland Wolfpack, but they just weren't sure if DQ was Wolfpack material or not....so we decided to take it into the maze. The deal was this: we play Directional Frantic (Westland Style), and if 3 of the 4 DQ members can hit the top 5 in this game while 90% of the Wolfpack was playing, then all 4 DQ members would become Wolfpack. The game went in, and it was apparrent that while it was a solo mission, the DQ members worked together to attempt to take out the Pack. The game went all over the place, hitting everywhere BUT the maze, even hitting the women's bathroom at a time! Then the big surprise hit us all.....we looked to the back of our lasers, and it said "Everybody vs. Team Clinton!!!" and we all shit our pants. For the next 2 minutes, the 4 DQ boys had about 25 people gunning for them, and the DQ boys went BALLISTIC, taking out everyone possible in order to work their way to victory! When the smoke cleared, everyone was tired out, and it was time to check the scores. Eulogy took 2nd, RaVyN took 4th, and r@der took 5th, with Heckler 20 points behind at 6th place!!!! The verdict: DQ members were now Wolfpackers!!!! Since DQ was now Wolfpack, and Wolfpack was now DQ, a corporate merger was formed, and from this point on, The Degenerate Wolfpack was born.....all in all an EXCELLENT evening, and one that would make history forever. Everyone was pretty damn happy with this....especially RaVyN....who had an EXTRA large glimmer in his eye....one that scared the rest of the Clinton members, and with good reason....for RaVyN was about to sellout to the Wolfpack..........
(More to come...)