"AMERICAN CHEESE" (PARODY OF DON MCLEAN'S "AMERICAN PIE")

AMERICAN CHEESE  - Ryan Wainio

A few short hours ago
I went to the kitchen, opened the fridge, just to make a sandwich
And I knew if I just had some Spam
I wouldn't have to use cheese and ham
And maybe I'd be happy for a while

But something I saw made me quiver
I caught the odor of rotten liver
Bad food on the first rack
The broccoli was turning black

I can't remember if I cried
When I saw the cheese was old and dried
But something made me really sad
The day the food went bad

So
Oh my, this American cheese
It was hard as a rock 
When I gave it a squeeze
Even the mayonnaise was stinkin' like somethin' died
And now everything is moldy and dry
This could be the day that I die

Well, do you like to eat olives
And if you do, do you want some, I've had enough
Even though they're a few years old
Do you put cheese on a dinner roll
Can the Packers win the Super Bowl
And can you reach me from my trance, I don't know

Well our janitor is really dim
Cause he sees us eating in the gym
Oh, he says he doesn't know
Why we don't eat on the tables

I got bologna stuck between my teeth
When I ate it this morning in my pickup truck
And I know that I wasn't glad
The day the food went bad

I started singing
Oh my, this American cheese
It was hard as a rock 
When I gave it a squeeze
The corn-on-the cob was stinking like something died
And everything is moldy and dry
This might be the day that I die

Now for 10 days I was gone from home
Now there's mold that looks like it was purposely grown
But that's not how it came to be
My neighbor Chester came for some jelly beans
But instead he got a bowl of ice cream
I had rice that came from Milwaukee

Oh, and while my back was turned away
Chester ran off with my ice tray
I caught him just before
He could get out of the door
And my two lemons made some rude remarks
They weren't yellow, but really dark
And there's a feeling that I had
The day my food went bad

It was stinking
Oh, my this American cheese
It was hard as a rock when I gave it a squeeze
Even tangerines were stinking like something died
And now everything is moldy and dry
This could be the day that I die

I used to like to eat bread and butter
The bird flew off to see his brother
Eight pieces of pie, rotting fast
And the ham is foul, so I think I'll pass
Cake with three layers, it's time has passed
And then Chester ate some cheese and he got gas

And my appetite even still resumed
But, I don't think I'll be eating anything soon
Now I have stomach cramps 
Ooh, but I'd rather eat a postage stamp
Then my fingers touched a banana peel
Now I can't have a decent meal
I had to go through an ordeal 
The day the food went bad

I was singing
Oh, my this American cheese
It was hard as a rock at thirty-seven degrees
Even sauerkraut was stinkin' like something died
Think of all the food I'll have to buy
It almost makes a guy wanna' cry

Well the fridge had stunk up the whole place
The refrigeration was a big disgrace
With no food left to eat at all
So, come on it's a symbol of my life
My hungers cutting me up like a knife
And I picked up a carrot, it wouldn't bend

Oh and as I stood there by the fridge
The cheese fell off of the second ridge
There's no mouse in hell 
That would eat that cheese that fell

And as the time climbed here into the night
You'd say the day just wasn't right
I couldn't satisfy my appetite
The day the food went bad

I was singing
Oh, my this American cheese 
It was hard as a rock when I gave it a squeeze
Even the applesauce was stinking like something died
And now everything is moldy and dry
And this could be the day when I die

I went door to door and got on my knees
And I begged them for some ham and cheese
But they just laughed and they turned away
I went down to the grocery store
Where I'd bought the cheese from weeks before
But the bird there said the cheese was out of stock

He showed me meats and corn that's canned
Some of them creamed, and some generic brand
But now my heart was breaking
All the cheese was taken

So the three kinds that I eat the most
American, Swiss, and Colby Jack
They were on a freight train on the tracks
The day the food went bad

I started thinking
From now on I think I will try  
To check the expiration date on the food that I buy
Everything in my fridge is stinking like something died
And now everything is moldy and dry
This could be the day that I die

And now I'm thinkin'
From now on I think I will try 
To check the expiration date on the food that I buy
Everythin' in my fridge was stinking like somethin'died
And now everything is moldy and dry



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