PERSONAL ADS (THAT YOU DON'T SEE) THIS MONTH'S "SINGLE SENORITA SPECIAL" NAME: Diane seele AGE: 28 OCCUPATION: waitress at Denny's INCOME: $6.32 an hour INTERESTS: Enjoys moonlit walks along the freeway, "lives life on the edge." Collects owner's manuals from "different contraptions." Likes people to "quote her, yes that's what you better say or I'll kill you!" Very "nice" individual. Also likes jigsaw puzzles. THE OTHER ADS *Diane Seele, age 28, waitress at Denny's, $6.32/hr salary, enjoy's moonlit walks along the freeway, "lives life on the edge," collects owner's manuals from "different contraptions," likes people to quote her, very "nice" individual, also likes jigsaw puzzles. *Debbie Capsby, age 54, self-employed proctologist. Works at home with her assistant, Julie Gamble. They're seeking a man/men or woman/women who is/are interested in a multiple person relationship. Those interested should make an appointment through e-mail at: proctor_gamble@bottumsupp.com *Dee, Gomer, age 43, unemployed, seeking a female companion to go for a long walk with him. Interested women must be willing to sacrifice clothes in order to keep him warm. Gomer's hobbies include: walking, running for a few minutes, walking some more, digging holes in the yard, and public restrooms. *Munn, Calvin, age 64, Peanut picker, Income fluctuates. Hobbies and interests include occasional self-mutilation, burning things, masochism, and politics. *Tarter, Kellie, age 35, Intern for a certain government organization. Enjoys debriefing the president of the company, Sorting mail, reading mail, Shredding mail, and mailing mail. Admits that she once sent a package without using "Western Union." She has also made several phone calls without using "1-800 COLLECT." *Brooke Frubie, age 71, Bouncer for Big Bucks Bingo Hall, enjoys reading "Cosmopolitans" to pigeons in the park, compulsive napping, and watching manic-depressive soap operas. *Mark Ellis, age 47, Birthday card printer, Generally receives $40 per month, enjoys going for several day long walks, being on jury duty, and raking leaves. *Carl Brugle, age 36, Substitute ice cream truck driver, enjoys making up stories, Using other people's things, killing time, baking with generic goods, and gritting teeth. * 32 YEAR OLD MALE, LAWYER, HIV POSITIVE, ENJOYS MAKING QUICK JUDGEMENTS, BEING IN CHARGE, AND SCREWING PEOPLE OUT OF THEIR INHERITENCE. * 24 YEAR OLD FEMALE, SELF-EMPLOYED MORTICIAN, WORKS AT HOME, ALSO MANUFACTURES MEAT PRODUCTS. ENJOYS READING AMATEUR POETRY, CARPETRY, AND MASOCHISM. * PROPHETIC 41 YEAR OLD FEMALE, EX-DANCE INSTRUCTOR, PSYCHIC EVALUATOR, LIKES TO BE SURROUNDED BY THE THREE OMNIPOTENT EARHTLY POWERS. HOBBIES INCLUDE GETTING UP AT FOUR O' CLOCK IN THE MORNING AND STARING AT THE ALL POWERFUL PAINTING OF A ROCK FOR 3 1/2 HOURS. * 35 YEAR OLD MALE, UNEMPLOYED, LIKES CARTOONS, MOON MARSHMALLOWS IN "LUCKY CHARMS," CLIMBING TREES, AND BUILDING THINGS WITH "LEGGO'S" * 32 YEAR OLD SCHITZOPHRENIC MALE, VIETNAM VETERAN, EX-POSTAL EMPLOYEE HAS MULTI-PERSONALITIES. ENJOYS USING MIND-ALTERING HULLUCINAGENIC DRUGS, AND CLEANING HIS SAWED-OFF SHOTGUN. * 23 YEAR OLD MALE, ALCOHOLIC ZOO CAGE CLEANER, HALFWAY HOUSE RESIDENT, CONVICTED FELON. ENJOYS TALKING TO HIMSELF, AND SOMETIMES LAW ENFORCEMENT OFFICIALS (WHEN NECESSARY.) * 42 YEAR OLD FEMALE, SEPTIC TANK DESIGNER, READS TABLOID MAGAZINES, AVID GUEST ON TELEVISION TALK SHOWS. ENJOYS MEN WHO LIKE PAIN. * 39 YEAR OLD FEMALE INMATE, INCARCERATED FOR MURDER, ANTI-SOCIAL, AND PARANOID. ENJOYS FIGURING OUT WAYS TO ESCAPE, MAKING WEAPONS, AND TORMENTING PRISON GUARDS. * 96 YEAR OLD NOCTURNAL MALE STRIPPER. ENJOYS TAKING MORE MEDICATION THAN PRESCRIBED, AND RESTING. WORKS FROM 12:00 a.m. TO 1:00 a.m. EVERY SATURDAY NIGHT AT A LOCAL STRIP CLUB. (IT TAKES A LONG TIME TO GET PREPARED, HE ACTUALLY DANCES FOR 10 MINUTES). SLEEPS DURING THE DAY, EXCEPT SUNDAYS. HE IS THE MINISTER FOR THE LOCAL CHURCH. * 27 YEAR OLD HOT DOG VENDOR. ENJOYS WRITING SCREENPLAYS. HAS HAD NO SUCCESS IN PUBLISHING YET, BUT HAS A "REAL GOOD FEELIN' ABOUT THE NEXT ONE!" IS FASCINATED BY PLANTS. KEEPS THEM ALL OVER HIS APARTMENT, CAR, AND HOT DOG CART. ALSO LIKES TO TALK TO STRANGERS.
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Email: rwainio@nmu.edu
