Adjudication: a binding decision about the outcome of an unfinished game, made by someone who is rated 200 points below you and who renders his judgment after spending a total time equal to only 5% of the time you devoted to the game.

Algebraic Chess Notation: a system of recording chess moves which is so logical and mathematically neat that it will never gain favor in the U.S.A.

Amateur: in chess, someone who plays only for money (cf: professional).

Annotator: a "friendly guide" to the complexities of master play, who first cites the MCO column for the game under review, then remains silent until white is a rook ahead, and , finally, points out how black could have held out longer; alternately, someone whose grasp of chess doesn't extend beyond his library on the openings.

Blindford Chess: a skill through which minor masters can gain a world-wide reputation; outlawed in Russia because Morphy and Pillsbury died crazy.

Blitz: an extreme form of rapid transit chess, where the players move faster than they can think -- thus ensuring the games a rare profundity.

Book-Player: a chess slave, who fills a relatively empty head with information that makes it even emptier.

Botvinnik: a Russian king, revered by communist society.

Brilliancy: a combinative sequence which is understandable to anyone once the solution is revealed.

Bye: in Swiss System tourneys, a full point given to an odd player.

Center: according to the hypermoderns, the squares QR1, KR1, KR8, QR8.

Champion: someone who has attained success in chess only because he has had more time to devote to the game than you have.

Cheapo: a phrase coined by U. S. Master Dr. Karl Burger, who has won a large percentage of his games by such a maneuver; a move which threatens something so obvious that only an idiot would fall for it, and he does.

Chess: a most intriguing intellectual challenge, played in a cultured manner according to strict rules and regulations. The object of the game is to crush your opponent.

Chess Fever: a disease common among adolescent members of the Manhattan Chess Club; characterized by jagged fingernails, bulging eyes, and an unsteady hand.

Clock, Chess: a mechanical device used to time tournament games which no one ever pays attention to until that little red marker is about to fall.

Club, Chess: a group of devotees of the Royal Game whose meetings are characterized by brotherhood and good sportsmanship and where never is heard an encouraging word.

Combination: any long series of moves that the average player cannot understand.

Connoisseur, Openings: an undiscriminating authority, who thinks one opening is better than another.

Correspondence Chess: a system of play which is gaining in popularity because you cannot lose USCF rating points in this sort of competition.

Draw, Grandmaster: a friendly conclusion due to mutual fear.

Duffer: anybody who can beat you three in a row.

Egotist, Chess: someone who is more interested in describing his own victories than in listening to yours.

Ethics, Chess: undefined (we could find no examples of this).

Euwe, Max: that Dutch master whose name I can't pronounce.

Fianchetto: an Italian method of developing bishops, popularized by Russians.

Fischer, Robert: an American chess veteran who has been U. S. Champion four times. His victims accuse him of bad manners; his conquerors think him a fine sport.

Fool's Mate: the logical conclusion to any game of chess.

Foresight: the ability to play in only those tournaments you are sure of winning.

Fork: "an instrument used chiefly for the purpose of putting dead animals into one's mouth" (A. Bierce).

Gambit: any unsound sacrifice in the opening.

Grandmaster: anyone who has reached the point in chess where he is acclaimed for drawing all him games.

Hypermodern Play: any opening system where an early checkmate is impossible.

Isolated Pawn: a pawn that will queen in the endgame (cf. passed pawn).

J'adoube: a phrase customarily emitted when you are caught starting your opponent's clock on your move.

Kibitzer: someone who gives good advice to your opponent and bad advice to you.

M.C.O.: Modern Chess Oblivion.

Median System: a way of breaking Swiss System ties which requires a knowledge of mathematical statistics and algebra, but which is much simpler than any other system.

Middlegame: in postal chess, the first move after published analysis is exhausted.

Odds: chessplayers.

Opening: that phase of the game in which intelligence plays no part.

Open File: a file cleared of pawns - a worthy objective since it is then easy to exchange a pair of rooks and obtain an early draw.

Opponent: a slimy individual with an ugly face.

Open Tournament: a tournament open to all; a weak tournament.

Overprotection: first emphasized by the well-known theorist Nimzovich, this positional theme symbolizes Nimzo's relationship with his mother.

Passed Pawn: any pawn that never queens (cf. isolated pawn).

Pawn-Snatcher: a defensive genius.

Perfect Game: a way of describing all one's victories.

Principles of Chess: an archaic term; shown to be useless by Mikhail Tal.

Problem Chess: any chess position that could never occur in an actual game.

Professional Chessplayer: anybody who cannot make a living at chess (cf. amateur).

Rating System: an objective method of ranking chess players which does not take into consideration the inherent beauty of a rose.

Resigns: a way of terminating a game, unknown to weak players.

Round-Robin Tournament: a competition in which you cannot talk the tournament director out of pairing you with someone you are afraid of.

Sacrifice: any piece left en prise.

Simultaneous Exhibition: a demonstration of ego, where one individual seeks to display his chess prowess by beating 40 beginners simultaneously.

Sportsmanship, Good: concealed hatred for a victorious opponent.

Strategy: any idea longer than one move deep (cf. Tactics).

Swindle: the only way anyone can be defeated.

Swiss-System: a pairing system full of holes, like some other Swiss products.

Tactics: a one-move threat (cf. Strategy).

White: since recent Supreme Court decisions, not so big an advantage as it once was.

Win: to make an enemy.

Won Game: any game you lost.

Woodpusher: a way of describing one's chessplay so as to make opponents overconfident.

Zugzwang: there is no definition of this word.

For more chess definitions check out A Gentle Glossary (Addendum).