A minister was asked by a politician, "Name something the government can do to help the church", the minister replied, "Quit making one dollar bills."
Q: Why didn't Noah go fishing?
A: He only had two worms!
Q: What do John The Baptist and Winnie The Pooh have in common?
A: Their middle names!
Q: What does the story of David and Goliath teach us??
A: To duck!
A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be assured that if any mischief occurred in their town, their two young sons were in some way involved. The parents were at their wits' end as to what to do about their sons' behavior.
The mother had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so she asked her husband if he thought they should send the boys to speak with the clergyman. The husband said, "We might as well. We need to do something before I really lose my temper!"
The clergyman agreed to speak with the boys, but asked to see them individually. The 8-year-old went to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?" The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so theclergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face,"WHERE IS GOD?"
At that the boy bolted from the room and ran directly home, slamming himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, "What happened?" The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!"
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD...?
Fox Mulder:
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens
have to cross the road before you believe it?
Richard M. Nixon:
The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did *not*
cross the road.
Jerry Seinfeld:
Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to
ask, "What the heck was this *chicken* doing walking around all over the
place anyway?"
Oliver Stone:
The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road? But is rather
"Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our
haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
Darwin:
Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in
such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to cross roads.
Louis Farrakhan:
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the
"black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.
Martin Luther King, Jr.:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads
without having their motives called into question.
Grandpa:
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told
us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
Machiavelli:
The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The
end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
Albert Einstein:
Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the
chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
Buddha:
Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
Ralph Waldo Emerson:
The chicken did not cross the road - it transcended it.
Ernest Hemingway:
"To die in the rain."
Pat Buchanan:
To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.
Thomas de Torquemada:
Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.
The Bible:
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken,
"Thou shalt cross the road." And the Chicken crossed the road, and there was much
rejoicing.
Darwin #2:
It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.
Saddam Hussein:
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in
dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
Dr. Seuss:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes the
chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!
O.J. Simpson:
It didn't. I was playing golf with the chicken at the time.
Colonel Sanders:
I missed one?
New Yorker:
Get that freakin' chicken off the freakin' road or I'll break its
freakin' neck!
New York Chicken:
Hey! I'm walkin' here!
Philadelphian:
Cluck you!
Bill Clinton:
This administration will do everything within its power to provide free access to ALL
chickens on ALL our nations roads, at ANY cost.
Hillary Clinton:
That's MY chicken.
Melanie Griffith:
Don't lie about your chicken. Defy it.
Dan Quayle:
Chikken, did sumone saye chikken?
Jack Nicholson:
You WANT that chicken on the road. You NEED that chicken on the road.
You're just too much of a chicken to be on that road YOURSELF!
Jewish Chicken:
Vaat? The pig crosses the road and no one notices. But I cross the road
and now it's a Federal case already?!
ECKIST:
That chicken's understood what it's all about!
Kids Letters to God
"Dear God, please help me be the person my dog thinks I am." - Unknown
Dear God,In Sunday School they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation? - Jane
Dear God, I think about You sometimes even when I'm not praying. - Elliot
Dear God, Did You really mean "do unto others as they do unto you?" Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother. - Darla
Dear God, I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset You made on Tuesday. - Margret
Dear God, I read the Bible. What does "begat" mean? Nobody will tell me. - Love, Allison
Dear God, Are you really invisible or is that a trick? - Lucy
Dear God, Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? - Anita
Dear God, Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? - Norma
Dear God, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have now? - Jane
Dear God, Who draws the lines around countries? - Nan
Dear God, The bad people laughed at Noah - "You made an ark on dry land you fool". But he was smart, he stuck with You. That's what I would do. - Eddie
Dear God, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? - Neil
Dear God, What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything. - Jane
Dear God, Thank You for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. - Joyce
Dear God, Why is Sunday School on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. - Tom L.
Dear God, Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before, You can look it up. - Bruce
Dear God, If we come back as something - please don't let me be Jennifer Horton because I hate her. - Denise
Dear God, My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha ha. - Danny
Dear God, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. - Larry
Dear God, I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over. - Sam
Dear God, You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways. - Dean
Dear God, I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. - Nan
Dear God, Of all the people who work for You, I like Noah and David the best. - Rob
Dear God, My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right. They're just kidding, aren't they? - Marsha
Dear God, If You watch me in Church Sunday. I'll show You my new shoes. - Mickey D.
Dear God, I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible. - Love, Chris
Dear God, We read Thomas Edison made light. But in school they said You did it. So, I bet he stoled Your idea. Sincerely, Donna
Dear God, I do not think anybody could be a better God. Well, I just want You to know but I am not just saying that because You are God already. - Charles
---ricH Urmann
Subject: Spring Humor
An Annotated Thermometer of Degrees & Reactions to Degrees!
60: Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one in their wardrobe)
50: Miami residents turn on the heat
40: You can see your breath
Californians shiver uncontrollably
Minnesotans go swimming
35: Italian cars don't start
32: Water freezes
30: You plan your vacation to Australia
Minnesotans put on T-shirts
Politicians begin to worry about the homeless
British cars don't start
Your boogers freeze
25: Boston water freezes
Californians weep pitiably
Minnesotans eat ice cream
Canadians go swimming
20: You can hear your breath
Politicians begin to talk about the homeless
New York City water freezes
Miami residents plan vacation further South
15: French cars don't start
You plan a vacation in Mexico
Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you
10: Too cold to ski
You need jumper cables to get the car going - anywhere!
5: You plan your vacation in Houston
American cars don't start
0: Alaskans put on T-shirts
Too cold to skate
-10: German cars don't start
Your eyes freeze shut when you blink
-15: You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo
Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects for fun
Miami residents cease to exist at all
-20: Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you
Politicians actually do something about the homeless
Minnesotans shovel snow off roof
Japanese cars don't start
-25: Too cold to think
You need jumper cables to get the driver going
-30: You plan a two week hot bath
The Mighty Monongahela freezes
Swedish cars don't start
-40: Californians disappear
Minnesotans button top button
Canadians put on sweaters
Your car & your cat help you plan your trip South
-50: Congressional hot air freeze
Alaskans close the bathroom window
-80: Hell freezes over
Polar bears move south
---anonymous
"It Seems.."
Everything is farther away than it used to be. It is twice as far to the corner and they have added a hill that I never noticed before. I have given up running for the bus...it leaves much faster than it did before.
It seems to me that they are making steps steeper than they used to in the good old days. And have you noticed the small print that the newspapers are using now?
There's no use in asking anyone to read aloud anymore. Everyone speaks in such a low voice that I can hardly hear what is said.
The material in dresses is getting skimpy, especially around the waist and hips. Really cheap, if you ask me.
Even people are changing. They are so much younger than they used to be when I was their age. On the other hand, people my age are so much older than I am.
I ran into an old friend the other day and she had aged so much that she didn't even recognize me any more.
I got to thinking about the poor thing while I was combing my hair this morning and in doing so, I glanced at my reflection, and confound it, they don't even make good mirrors anymore either.
---anonymous
The Perfect Story
There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving a perfect car (a Lamborghini) along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle (it was a 2+2!). Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.
Who was the survivor?
Scroll down for the answer
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The perfect woman.
She's the only one that really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.
* A Male's Response * Scroll down
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So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.
In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth.
Quickly, God was faced with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. God was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with the cease and desist order for the earthly part.
Then God said, "Let there be light!"
Immediately, the officials demanded to know how the light would be made.
Would there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a large ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire, and that he would obtain a building permit and to conserve energy, He would have the light out half the time. God agreed and offered to call the light "Day" and the darkness "Night". The officials replied that they were not interested in semantics.
God said, "Let the earth put forth vegetation, plant yielding seed, and fruit trees bearing fruit."
The EPA agreed, so long as only native seed was used.
Then God said, "Let the waters bring forth swarms of living creatures, and let birds fly above the earth."
The officials pointed out that this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audobon Society. Everything was okay until God said the project would be completed in six days.
The officials said it would take at least two hundred days to review the applications and the impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing. Then there would be ten to twelve months before...
At this point God created Hell.
So far today, God, I've done all right. I haven't gossiped, haven't lost my
temper, haven't been greedy, or grumpy, nasty or self-centered. I'm really
glad about that. But in a few minutes, God, I'm going to get out of bed,
and then I'm going to need a lot of help. Thank you.
Universal Prayer by Anonymous, 7/18/97
THINGS I'VE LEARNED
I've learned that I like my teacher because "she cries" when we sing "Silent Night. Age 6
I've learned that you can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. Age 7
I've learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back. Age 9
I've learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up. Age 13
I've learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up. Age 14
I've learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly glad my parents are strict with me. Age 15
I've learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice. Age 24
I've learned that brushing my child's hair is one of life's great pleasures. Age 26
I've learned that wherever I go, the worlds worst drivers have followed me there. Age 29
I've learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it. Age 39
I've learned that there are people who love you dearly but just don't know how to show it. Age 41
I've learned that you can make someone's day by simply sending them a little card. Age 44
I've learned that the greater a person's sense of guilt, the greater his need to cast blame on others. Age 46
I've learned that children and grandparents are natural allies. Age 47
I've learned that singing "Amazing Grace" can lift my spirits for hours. Age 49
I've learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone. Age 50
I've learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. Age 52
I've learned that keeping a vegetable garden is worth a medicine cabinet full of pills. Age 52
I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you miss them terribly after they die. Age 53
I've learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life. Age 58
I've learned that if you want to do something positive for your children, try to improve your marriage. Age 61
I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. Age 62
I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catchers mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back. Age 64
I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting new people, and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you. Age 65
I've learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually make the right decision. Age 66
I've learned that everyone can use a prayer. Age 72
I've learned that it pays to believe in miracles. And to tell the truth, I've seen several. Age 73
I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be. Age 82
I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch-holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. Age 85
I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. Age 92
Proverbs from 1st graders
A first grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each
kid in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with
the rest.
As You Shall Make Your Bed So Shall You... Mess It Up.
Better Be Safe Than... Punch A 5th Grader.
Strike While The... Bug Is Close.
It's Always Darkest Before... Daylight Savings Time.
Never Under Estimate The Power Of... Termites.
You Can Lead A Horse To Water But.. How?
Don't Bite The Hand That... Looks Dirty.
No News Is... Impossible.
A Miss Is As Good As A... Mr.
You Can't Teach An Old Dog New... Math.
If You Lie Down With The Dogs, You'll... Stink In The Morning.
Love All, Trust.. Me
The Pen Is Mightier Than The... Pigs.
An Idle Mind Is... The Best Way To Relax.
Where There's Smoke, There's... Pollution.
Happy The Bride Who... Gets All The Presents!
A Penny Saved Is... Not Much.
Two's Company, Three's... The Musketeers.
Don't Put Off Tomorrow What... You Put On To Go To Bed.
Laugh And The Whole World Laughs With You, Cry And... You Have To Blow
Your Nose.
None Are So Blind As... Helen Keller.
Children Should Be Seen And Not... Spanked Or Grounded.
If At First You Don't Succeed... Get New Batteries.
You Get Out Of Something What You... See Pictured On The Box.
When The Blind Leadeth The Blind... Get Out Of The Way.
There Is No Fool Like... Uncle Eddie.
Subject: FYI: Noah's Ark, IF IT HAPPENED TODAY
And the Lord spoke to Noah and said "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am commanding you to build "An Ark". And in a flash of lighting, he delivered the specifications for an Ark.
"OK", said Noah, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints. "Six months, and it will start to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have the Ark completed, or learn to swim for a very long time." Six months passed, the skies clouded up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark. "Noah," shouted the Lord, "Where is the Ark?" "Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to re-draw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. "Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission." "Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark,because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince the U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I need the wood to save the Owls. But they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So, no owls. "The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now we have sixteen carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls. "Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. "Just when I got the suit dimisssed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being. "Then the Army Corp of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new floodplain. I sent them a globe. "Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I'm supposed to hire. The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country. And I just got a notice from the state about owing them some kind of use tax. I really don't think I can finish the Ark for at least another five years, "Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked hopefully. "No," said the Lord sadly, "Your government already has."
1. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.
2. The fifth commandment is Humour thy father and mother.
3. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, and a ball of fire at night.
4. When Mary heard she was to be the mother of Jesus, she went off and
sang the Magna Carta.
5. Salome was a woman who danced naked in front of Harrods.
6. Holy acrimony is another name for marriage.
7. The Pope lives in a vacuum.
8. Paraffin is next in order after seraphim.
9. The patron saint of travellers is St. Francis of the sea sick.
10. Iran is the Bible of Moslems.
11. A republican is a sinner mentioned in the Bible.
12. The natives of Macedonia did not believe, so Paul got stoned.
13. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
14. It is sometimes difficult to hear what is being said in church
because the agnostics are so terrible.
15. God told Joseph to take Mary, and Jesus, and flea, to Egypt.
16. Paul's message was rejected by those who heard, so he went city
and got stoned.
17. Our Father who art in heaven, Howard be thy name...
18. And lead us not into Thames Station...
Things We Can Learn From a Dog
1) Never pass up the opportunity for a joy ride.
2) If what you want lies buried, dig it out.
3) If someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close to them and
nuzzle them gently.
4) No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing
and pout... run right back and make friends.
5) When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
6) Be loyal
---some sage of the canine race bulletin board at Jade Mountain
Health Clinic
A confirmation student was asked to list the Ten Commandments in any order. He wrote, "3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7." (The Lutheran)
A man: God, how much is a million dollars to you?
God: It is but a penny.
A man: God, how long is a million years to you?
God: It is but a second.
A man: God, could you please give me a penny?
God: Sure, just a second.
After the fall in Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain and Abel. They passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden. One of the boys asked, "What's that?" Adam replied, "Boys, that's where your mother ate us out of house and home."
Some people say, "I go to church, so I am a Christian." But that's like saying if you go to McDonald's you are a Quarter Pounder.
A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. "What denomination?" asked the clerk. "Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well, give me 50 Catholic and 50 Baptist ones."
