People always tell me "It'll be ok." Do they know that it's
been going on since 7th grade and isn't getting any easier? Do they
know how it feels to loose your best friend at such a young age and
have everyone tell you "It'll be ok?" Most of them can't. They don't
know how much it hurts me to even think about Matt. Most of them
don't know how hard it is for me to keep from crying every time
someone around me dies or I hear his name. Sometimes I try to look
at my yearbooks and have to shut them right away because I can't get
past the first page. The fact is no one knows exactly how you feel.
Sure some might know some of it... but no one handles it the same
way. he died when I was 12. He was my crush no one knew about,
he was the laughter of the school, he was my best friend.
My Grandma, my cousin Mitchell, and my friend Carl were the
same way. But I knew something was wrong with Carl and Matt.
Carl was in a wheel chair since before I could remember, at least
Elementary School. Matt told me he had a Brian Tumor or as some
people call it Cancer. Carl and Matt were both 12 like me... 2 of my
dearest friends got taken away when all 3 of us were only 12 years
old. Grandma died last year before school started and never got to see
my sister graduate, she was in her 60's. Out of 7 grand kids she got
to see one of us graduate... my oldest sister. Mitchell died when he
was 20 in a car crash... he was buckled, his friend wasn't and lived.
To me it just doesn't seem fair. I even blamed my self for their
deaths. I know I had no reason too but I felt like it was my fault.
To this day I still remember everything about all of my close friends
and family that "passed on." And I know people will never understand
how I feel. I can't even explain it to them. Because when I do
explain it, they only get a small portion of how I feel. Most people
don't know it but my hyper and peppiness are mostly just a cover up for
how I really feel. In fact most of the time I'm depressed and when
I'm really hyper or peppy I actually think about suicide. I guess the
more I'm active the more I'm depressed. I don't know why and I
might never know. But I guess that's how life goes. But when It
all comes down to it... Moving on is the hardest thing you'll ever do.
If anyone who reads this needs and/or wants any help with over
coming an death please feel free to e-mail me. I can't say I know
what you're going through but I can listen, no one ever listened to me
so I'm gonna be there for you like you were me.
