one already dead
you are not
but may as well be
for all i know of you
now

the one i knew then
the older brother
the friend
a stranger's eyes now
i cannot meet them

eyes whose tears once
salted my skin
and clothes
i no longer feel
the dampness
or your hand
solid in mine
or your skin
traced by mine
or your arms
slipping clumsily
at my waist
crushing

so they cannot tell me
that i have not felt
a true and hollow loss
for i have cried
hours of acid tears
and i have mourned
for what i cannot
have again
ever
and i have felt
the gripping, dark panic
when faced with
your likeness
and if that is not true,
honest, and consuming
grief
i cannot say what is

- October 2001