She hears the car pull up. Her heart races. She begins to tremble. The kids have to be
shuffled off to bed. She is hurrying, feeling the panic build in her body. Stress
begins to rule as she snaps at the kids. They must get in bed before he gets in the
house. They can't see what might happen. They look at her in fear, for they have
seen what happens. So they all work against each other. She is rushing them, they
don't want to go.They are afraid. Will they see their mommy again. She sees it in
their eyes and she wants to hold them and comfort them. Tell them it will be okay.
But she doesn't know if it will...She would bet it won't be.. So she gets short with them and hustles
them off in tears. Her head is pounding, Her body is trembling, Her mind is
screaming. There is no where for it to run. The door opens and when her eyes meet
his her heart drops to her stomach. He is high. His eyes are not even there.
She is trapped in a nightmare and has no escape. His dinner is in the oven,
maybe that will divert him. She rushes to get a plate, her insides are trembling,
her mind is racing, her heart is begging , she can hardly bear it. She makes idle
conversation, asking why he is so late, that, was her mistake. He lunges
at her throat. She knows she is going to die. His eyes are vacant. There is nothing
to stop him from killing her. She is pinned against the wall, in a corner with no
way out. He pulls a knife. Her mind races madly trying to think of a way out, but she
has little time. The knife is at her throat. She is screaming as loud as her
voice will allow ! " Dont kill me." she shrieks. She thinks if she can just kick him and get him down....but if she kicks
him where it counts , she better be sure she gets him down and keeps him down
because if she doesnt ...she knows she is dead. But if she doesnt do something , she is dead. She makes her choice. She kicks, one time , not down. Kicks again. Oh God this
is gonna hurt. I am gonna die, she screams in her head! Still not down! The knife begins to cut the throat.
Third time. He drops! She waits for a split second. He drops to the floor... She has to cross over him to get
out of the house. He still has the knife in his hand, but there is no other way
out. She steps across to run, her mind is going like crazy. The kids are in the bed-
room, but she has to get out of the house. It will be certain death for her if she
doesnt. When he gets up he will surely kill her. She steps across and feels a
rip go across her leg, then warmth. She looks up. There is her little Mary
in the door way. Their eyes meet in horror! Her eldest runs up behind Mary
and grabs her. She screams, "get in the bedroom ...stay quiet....when he gets
out call the police...". She is torn. She has to flee that much is certain. God ! Leaving
her babies. No time to think , he is moving...must run!! Out the door, down the
street to the neighbors..they are up....she bangs....and is let in..
"Call the police" she screams! They are all in a panic. They see blood dripping.
She looks down to see her pants are ripped on her leg.
They tell her to let them see. She is driven by adrenalin. They all look. Her leg is
ripped wide open! Slashed from front to back.! Then they hear noise. An angry voice. Screaming
at the house. She knows there is no haven here. She cant allow him to hurt her friends. She
must flee again out the back . She hesitates a second. Her heart is trembling. There are lots of bushes around. He could be behind one of them... Every move is an ordeal. Her emotions are drained. He could
be behind any of them. "God, help me" she says. She has to run. She musters the last of her energy and
break for it. Terror is driving her. Her mind is full of horrid thoughts
of her children left crying alone ... scared.... God how can she get out of this? How? She runs down the road to another neighbors. And finally the police get there,
and the ambulance...................
70 some stitches later ... she sits in her house... listening to tears of apology...
promises of betterment....and she stays...but in her mind. she is dead.. . how can she stay....how can she
after all of this?
To the outsider... She looks a fool... And she knows this.... To the outsider ..She looks
weak....And she knows this.....to the outsider she looks stupid ...And she knows this
and how can she do this to her kids.. oh lord , she weeps for her children.. she has
has little enough to survive each day .. not much to give to her children...
She knows the stares of disbelief as she walks outside.. how can she be there. She cringes
with shame.... she feels like a nothing ... she is totally worthless.. This will be her
death... she knows it... Oh she has people who say.. why dont you leave... how can
you stay... they have no clue...to what goes on in her mind...from the terror of leaving....
to the terror of staying...
So why does she stay... has she not thought of all it is doing to her children...to herself... ??
There are reasons that are not understood by the outside world...and trust me...she lives in a world all her own.. One of lonlieness and fear... of rejection.. of worthlessness....
Most times a woman who is in this situation started out with feelings of unworthyness in the first place... the strong women .. the ones who leave after the first punch.. usually have a pretty good opinion or sense of who they are. They have not lived a life of shame.. and can flee with their minds intact.. but those of us...and we are very very many .. who stay.. stay out of shame .. and fear... and of haveing no identity to call our own..
We started out on the wrong foot .. for what ever reasons.. there are so many.. but mostly we just never thought much of ourselves and we are only as important as others view us.. as we see we are needed..
So when that first punch comes....we dont say.. i dont deserve to be treated like that.. We say.. i will try harder.. clean better... be more attentive.. make better dinners.. make the money stretch farther.. look prettier...dress better....dress worse... we search our minds to discover all the ways we can improve ourselves...because after all we cant be doing good enough or they wouldnt hit us...would they.?...and that goes on for a time... we have to make the kids mind better... to do better....to be quieter.... we never even look at the fact that maybe it is him.. oh we think. well .. he has been drinking... that is it.. he is really a good hearted person.. we talk ourselves into that .. because we have no concept that it is him . it has to be us... we have fallen short.... so we shall try harder... He says he doesn't want us hanging around so and so... so we stop.. he says he doesnt like our family....so we distance our selves from them... and slowly... we have no one around us....no ties to hold to.. no one to encourage us...to help us see that it isnt us..that it is him ..
so the future dims and we build a life around an irrational man .. never realizing that it is he that is irrational ... so sad.... very sad......and all the telling us to leave dont matter.. our minds cant comprehend it... it is not in the mindset..... so how does one get out.... how......  ©  
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