FROM HER EYES

There are many things that we do not understand...anorexia nervosa being one of them...and we tend to "shy" away from things we do not understand...instead of ministering to those in need...This is a story from one of it's victims...she is one of the greatest delights to my heart that the Lord has given me...these are the words...from her own head...how she sees it in her mind...and i pray that it gives you understanding and compassion...and moves your heart to action!!!...It is truly bondage of a most dangerous sort... I have changed nothing... not even the spelling... it is part of her charm... enjoy...weep...and minister... amen...


Honestly, I don't understand it myself, so I tried my best to think of a way to present how I feel, so you could UNDERTSAND it! lol! or.. try to! lol so..... here goes........

. ok this part... is my "guess" After hours of thinking, I came up with this conclusion, it may be correct, may not be but; "after a year of staying with this other family daily, they decided, along with my mom, that I sould have to stay at my real house half of every week. Soon after that, they moved, like 2 states away. (acutally to name of city) I s'pose that since i felt SO powerless as to where i was living, and NOT wanting to live at home SO SO bad, i felt... out of.. control, powerless, like, i don't have any say in any matter, no choices, no decisions. In order to take control of what was happeneing in my life, i started to control my food intake. Little did I know that this "simple little diet," would take over my whole life."

SO far thats what i got (from like, a long time ago)...... i figure its easier to tell ya the... topics, the points, then I can maybe put them all into and essay, heres the points i have so far ok.. OK IM THINKING PRINT IT OUT AND READ IT WHEN U HAVE LOTS OF TIME!!

- need of control ...losing all control when ppl touch u, when u want to live soemwhere, and ppl make u live elsewhere, however, you get to the point where you dont' control it, it controls and consumes you.. EVERY THOUGHT.. every moment of the day..... "what can i eat today, what DID i eat today, what did i keep, what did I purge, what does my weight sit at, can i go to the mall, or will i pass out there? can i go to that party or will the smoke make my headach (from no food worse) can i see my firends or will they be upset i lost more weight, how can i get outa dinner, lunch, how can i purge secretly... how can i sneak this food into a napkin while being watched like a hawk, how can i loose weight while being weighed so often?

- cAn't stand to see the #'s go up. If the get higher, all determination of getting better flees me, if they go down, somehow, i think i can get better quicker this way cuz im THIN ENOUGH TO DESERVE HELP. thin enough to get better, thin enough,.... TO BE HELD - I NEED this disease to be ME, to be myself, i have to Know what I am doing, have conrtol, have a routine, have..... something, ALWAYS there. This is who i am, i am a girl whos life revolves around what she eats. A horrible thought is what will i become, what will i do, if i get better?

- Don't knwo how to live w/out it. Counting, #'s, those damned #'s become SO much a part of YOU, that u can't even begin to imaine a life>w/out being conrtoled by them. You don't even know what normal is, is normal eating like your firends?? is normal not crying after you have a meal? U can't even think what thats like. The thought of becoming "normal" to me, scares the crap out of me, normal means gaining, normal>means eating, (with proper spoons, dishes -not all small plastic like mine are) Normal means, not crying after a meal and not purging it.... It's So.... weird. It's a change, makes me out of control, i need.. a routine... the same thing.. no drastic change like this.

- If i did get better......... [ will I still be loved?? thats a HUGE HUGE Q i have ... will ppl still love me, if i am NOT anorexic? Ppl love me now for who I am, and if I am anorexic and that changes, will their love for me change?? This is a HUGE, HUGE thing for me...... are ppl gonna still love me if i gain weight? [ can i still be held if i get better?? will ppl hold a girl who weighs more than I do now? [ will i DESERVE LOVE if i get better? i have no idea what i'll be if i get better so, will that person, the better person, be loved?

- the overwhelming NEED to be skinny, to be thin, the need gets to u, it's SO POWERFUL it drives you to insanity. When WILL you be thin?? what 120? 110? 100?, 90? 80? 70? 60? death? What will it take.... When a size 1 hangs off of your body, will u be thin then? In the eyes of a person with an ED (eating dis) they are NEVER thin enough, ever.

- this weird Reassuring feelign when u faint/blackout. this tells you, well done, you have not eaten, you are doing well, you are fainting, and getting weak, you MUST be getting thin. The horrible hunger feeling that feels like it's tearing your stomach apart... how CAN this be reassuring?? Sure its hell, its SO much pain, but it's also a way of telling u that you are not gaining weight... you haven't eaten enough and your body wants more, that it willl feed off itself. This kind of reasurance is all i have.... well maybe incorrect, all i WANT, the reasurance that I am thin enough, that i am doing well, that i am so hungry i can't bare it.

- Purging, cutting, hunger, fainting, etc are all ways of punishing yourself. i see it as 2 different cycles.

The first cycle: Your faimly/frinds are so upset about how sick u r, u punish yourself for this, by not eating, cutting etc, by doing so, you are hurting yourself worse, by doing so you hurt your friends/family again, so u must be punished, you are a BAD, EVIL person for doing this, so u punish yourself again, and the cycle continues.

the 2nd cycle

You don't eat much (thus, loosing weight) you get SO SO hungrey the pain is so bad in your stomach, that you eat, you LIKE it, so u eat more, and more, feeling so horrible about this, u purge, then starve, eat, alot, purge, starve eat alot , purge,.. ETC ON AND ON AND ON.

i see this as a trap, AS A Hole, you fall into it by...not eating for a while, then u get deeper in by gong past your goal (loosing more)there are branches to hold on to in this hole, still you fall further and futher in, each purge, each hunger cramp leads you further and further into this DEEP hole. You look down, and all you can see is... black.... you know that it is death. Finally you grab a hold of a branch preventing you from falling all the way down, still every purge, every cut, every thought of starvation throws you a branch further. These branches are the Lords Angels holding ya up. But even if you are held by the angel and the Lord himself, the choice is yours, it's SO incredibly black at the bottom you are unable to see if you have a branch below u or not. everyday with very little eaten, even purge, u have such relief that that was not the LAST branch, yet you live in fear that the next one could be, you are unable to see down. At the top of this HUGE HOLE, you see nothing but bright lights, nothing but angels singing. you see this large arm, this arm and hand that is reaching to you, it is all white and filled with bright lights, u know that ONLY this arm can get you out of the hole, only it can lift u out, for it's immpossible for u to climb out yourself... Then you hear a voice... a soft, comforting one saying.. ^^^^^^ (name) hold my hand, follow me and i will give you Peace, (name) i will SET YOU FREE.... this hand waits, and waits, meanwhile you are sobbing,... the choice would seem SOOOOO easy, this DARk pit, or this bright hand reaching for you, calling your name in love, to any one in their right mind, it would be a simple choice, to that person in the hole however, it is the HARDEST choice they have ever come across.

Jesus's hand offers healing from eating disorders, Peace from the thoughts, FREEDOM from the #'s, the hole offers nothing but tears, and darkness. Some may grab a hold of the Lords Hand and fight the end, tell the hole goodbye and never see it again, some may hold the hand, yet half-way up, decide its too hard and let go, still they can see the light, some may give into satan and give INTO ALL the ideas I wrote of above, and decide that they MUST stay in them, they just CAN"T get out, they can't, thinking the end is stronger than them. Jesus says.. Nothing is stronger than Me. Also, greater is he who's in me than in the World.

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