ELLIE'S STORY

I'm a survivor of abuse. It started so long and there was so much of it I have actually blocked from my memory. That is a tool that we survivors learn to use well.........selective memory. Even though we learn to block those memories........the pain can not be blocked for long. I was a grown women before I was ever able to say the words " I was raped". This man also raped my soul. The part of me that made me was damaged beyond repair, or so I thought for many years. I allowed that pain to control my life and fester away into others areas of my life. It still control to some extent in as much as how I feel about myself and how I allow others people to control my own self worth.

I'm not going into detail about my experience. I feel there is no need. What I do feel is a need, is to tell you how destructive that pain became.

I had gotten to the point in my life when I was walking on the edge of darkness . The darkness wasn't a place that I relished but it also became a form of survival. See nothing.... hear nothing..... say nothing.... and feel nothing.. I let others take control of my life so that I could just "BE". The problem with that is when you allow others to take control, you open the door to other forms of abuse. I was allowing my self to be controlled and year after year my own self worth was slipping away. It took a very special friend in my life to open my eyes. To say to me..... "Ellie don't you see what is happening", and one small voice that said to me, " mommy, I need you". I had gotten to the point in my life that even simple tasks were unreachable....... formulating a sentence with more than 3 or 4 words and simple things like looking up a number in a phone book became a chore. How could this possibly happen....I'm not an unintelligent person. I finished high school. I went on to college. It happens when you travel too far in to the darkness (the deep dark pits of depression). Once you are that far gone into the darkness you have to fight like hell to get out. I fought that battle and I won. I am a survivor.

Its a hard process but with Christ all things are possible. One step at a time . One day at a time but the healing has begun. I became a Christian many years ago and I've felt the power of the Holy Spirit move in my life. He never left my side. I was the one that walked away I stopped listening..... I stopped seeing...... I stopped feeling. But Jesus never left my side. He was always waiting for me to just say the words " I need you Lord" One small cry for help is all it took and the healing began.

If you are reading my words and you understand the darkness all to well, I beg you to fight back Simply call upon the name of the Lord and ask for help and allow Him to help. He can only help you if you are ready to become a survivor.

I'd like to leave you with one of my favorite Bible verses.

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