A TESTIMONY FROM HOLLI

When Calgon asked me if I would send her my testimony, I was shocked! lol, I told her I didn't have much of a "testimony" but she convinced me otherwise! lol.. I have always thought that in order to have a "good testimony," you need to have experienced a "sudden change." I don't believe I have had that. My name is Heather and I am 15. I live in Canada and WA state, but my hopes are to move to Nashville soon to pursue music!!

I have grown up around churches. My mom became a "Christian" when i was about 3 years old. (However she didn't FEEL GOD really until last year). As for myself, Sunday school was a pretty normal thing for me. At 10 years old I decided to accept Jesus as my personal savior! I chose to be baptized a year later and I did know what I was doing! lol. After being baptized (at age 11) I know that satan has been working even HARDER in my life to pull me away from God (since I was baptized - since i gave my life TO GOD, satan got jealous and he wants me). He has been pulling and pulling me. I had seen bad abuse, my parents had just separated, my dad almost died from alcohol poisoning, my baby brother died, I did not want to live and i was only 11. Throughout all of these things, I think i grew slightly away from the Lord, instead of growing TO Him. Because of hard circumstances, a couple of years later (ages 12-13) i went to live with this awesome family!!

They were SUCH GREAT CHRISTIANS!! I stayed with them (mostly in the day) for a year. Then, i was told if I was going to make things right, must live at home 3 days of the week. So, unwillingly i went back home. It worked out actually because I had 2 "homes." While staying with the other family, I went to church with them, and the mom challenged me to read the books of Matthew, Mark, Luke and John in..... 4 weeks i think. I took her up on this challenge! This is when I actually felt a bit of God, was when i was reading so much of his word everyday. I really enjoyed reading and I was forever highlighting good verses!! To this day, i still read those verses. Unfortunately, They moved to another state.

When my contact with them ended, so did my "time" and relationship with God. Because I wasn't spending time with talking to God, satan used this as a chance to take me away from God. I didn't see it at all then, but i totally see it now. I started to have anorexic\bulimic thoughts, I told someone, but because I was not acting upon them, no one took me very seriously. I went on a strict "diet" (well strict starvation diet) I lost 5 lbs, wow! I liked it! I COULD CONTROL IT!! I could control what I ate, and what i weighed. (At that point, some "sexually inappropriate" things were happening to me, and I felt I had no control over that. I still can't talk very openly about it... but this ended in August 1998!! PRAISE THE LORD!) I wouldn't call myself "sick" with anorexia then, but soon, when i was at camp, my director came to me and TOLD ME that i had a problem and that i HAD TO tell my mom. She gave me a month and I did tell!

It was hard telling her, I thought she'd be very, very mad, but she really wasn't. lol - i don't think she believed me. She was in total shock, kind a denying that I had a problem (for about a year), however, I asked, YES ASKED, to go to an eating disorder clinic, and finally an appointment was set. I went for about 7 months, and stopped the minute they mentioned the hospital to me. They told me this wasn't helping, and i needed something "more." I regret that I stopped going and stopped working on getting better now. I think it would have been WAY EASIER to stop this controlling "disease" while it was fairly new, and my identity wasn't caught in it Any ways lol this is getting long.

I know now, i can SEE NOW that anorexia is from SATAN. It is NOT OF GOD, for me, every meal, and the time following , is a spiritual battle. In my head Satan is telling me I am not worth eating that, and that it NEEDS to be purged. Then there is God's voice, offering PEACE and JOY saying i LOVE You as you are. Doesn't it seem like a totally easy choice? lol. But I just couldn't chose LIFE, chose GOD, chose his LOVE. I know it is harder to fight an eating disorder than it is to be trapped in it, it takes more strength. in Phil 4:13 it talks about God giving us strength. I LOVE THAT VERSE!!!

On September 4th /98 my friend, Damita died, and she died from anorexia. It hit me SO, SO HARD. That month at a Christian concert my Best friend said to me.... look at you, you are dead inside, you are dying outside, WHEN WHEN WHEN is this going to stop? She was crying hard, and crying out Jesus's name. After a LONG time period of crying, heart breaking, and praying, I FINALLY asked God to HELP ME.. to HELP ME beat anorexia. I had never totally 100% meant that when I had asked before. God didn't JUST HEAL ME.... but hey, He showed me hope!! I have never felt hope that I could get better. I still feel the need, the longing to loose "10 more."

God also used people to show me where my health sat. My friend said I'd die if I lost 10, i doubt it, but i was hospitalized for my heart this summer, and have No ENERGY for anything, not even my horses! I still don't yet feel "skinny" enough to be able to receive help, but that night God showed me HOPE, showed me that it WILL BE OK.. That He WILL help me beat this. 7 months later, (FEB 99) I realized that I was so so trapped, the hope I had received that night with my friend, was gradually decreasing, satan was robbing me of it. I had a lot of deaths in a short period of time, memories of sights from the past and basically, things were not going well at all. I really had no energy, or no desire to live anymore. My weight was the cause of this. When ones brain is so deprived of nutrients, it becomes.. "foggy" you can't think well, and get depressed VERY easily. This was just recent, and I still am having a very hard time. I am not delivered yet and i believe that that is because I am STILL not yet willing to accept this precious gift.

However, I am starting to change my way of thinking to prepare myself mentally for the wonderful change that is going to happen soon! I am wanting to chose LIFE - real LIFE, life with OUT an eating disorder. I believe that the Merciful Lord, the patient Lord, will finally be able to give me deliverance soon, because my heart will want it, believe it, and receive it. There comes a point when you are sick of being so upset, sick of numbers (weight) controlling everything. Sick of hospital visits, sick of being "sick." I believe at that point, there is no where to look, but up to the Father. I am almost at that point. It's scary to think how i have let myself fall so far. But its exciting to think about how wonderful life will be FREE IN HIM!!

Anorexia has taught me a lot. At times when i thought i was the worst, God has made me strong. People (like Calgon!!) have showed me that really I am growing close to God , not further away, no matter what I believe, and I can see this now! I can see how much i rely on God and prayer now! I know the peace one can feel with God as I had it when i lived with my "foster family." I WANT IT BACK!! I can see that I am in a hole. Before, i was unable to see it, but now I want out of this hole, but by the grace of the Lord and through his work of my friends (THANKS YOU GUY - sooooo much!!) I can see the way out!!! i have been shown what i need to do!! NOW... lol all i need to do.. is DO IT! lol.. Lord have mercy.
MORE TO COME: the WONDERFUL gift of deliverance!

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