I'm overweight, big and fat, and I LOVE it!
I have tried really hard to keep quiet about my hatred of SUVs. However, yesterday I heard news that drove me over the edge. First, a little background...
I have never been a fan of Sport Utes, Vans, Minivans, or pickup trucks. At first I disliked these vehicles because of their handling characteristics, appearence, and overall performance. I prefer smaller vehicles with low centers of gravity, mostly because of the way they stick to the road when driven at the limit. Now advancements in active suspensions and overall vehicle design have made these larger vehicles almost as responsive as larger automobiles. Still, I prefer a smaller vehicle because of looks and feel. I'm beginning to think, however, that I will soon be FORCED to drive one of these behemouths. Here's why...
Whenever I drive my car on the highway I invariably curse every sport-ute owner I encounter. Why? Because I can't see A DAMN THING ahead of me! This monstrosity blocks my field of vision better than a total eclipse blocks out the sun! Carsten, you say, you are following too closely... Maybe, but as soon as I back off and make a space, invariably some other high-profile vehicle will move in and fill that space! UUURRRGGGHHH!!!
I could rant and rave about driving attitudes of these people (I have seen more cocky, inconsiderate and selfish drivers in bigger vehicles than I can count), but I won't. I could also comment on how the need to drive something bigger than their first apartment shows what these people consider important. Nope, I'm not going to do that. I think the biggest problem with these highway Titanics is not damage to the environment or attitudes of invincibility. It's visibility for the rest of us, pure and simple.
The reason I brought this up is because of an announcement I heard yesterday from General Motors. Apparently the GMC Suburban, currently one of the largest passenger vehicles ever built, is being revamped. The new model will be EVEN BIGGER than anything on the road today. Its sheer size will require SIX DOORS for entry and egress, and special STEPS that pop out to make it easier to climb aboard. WHERE WILL IT END, FOLKS?????
I have decided there is only one thing to do. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em, right? Wrong. I plan to completely LEAPFROG these trucker wanna-be's and pick up a good old late model GMC Freightliner. That's right, I'm going to be buying a five-axle, eighteen wheeled tractor-trailer. If pickup truck owners can justify their truck by the fact that one day they might need to transport something big, then I figure I can justify *this* purchase by never having to hire a moving company again. Heck, why stop there? Maybe I should get one of those dump trucks that are used in giant quarries, those trucks whose wheels are taller than any Navigator or Expedition... That'll show 'em!
While I'm at it, I'm gonna get a penis-enlarging kit, prove that I as a woman am just as good as any man, make up for having to ride the bus in high school, pretend I'm wealthy, and most important, feel safe by enclosing myself in two tons of metal, as opposed to learning how to drive properly...
