Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"
Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?" So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed. The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact, he feelsGREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings, and it's Jim.
Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"
Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"
Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"
Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff-no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often."
"Yeah, well there's just one thing....."
"What's that?"
"Have you farted yet?"
"No."
"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in PHOENIX!!!
Redneck Daddy
In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."
Soon, a wee baby boy wss brought into the world. "Whoe there Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's yet another wee one to come."
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby. "No,no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern young man...It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.
The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor. "Do ya think it's the light that's attractin' them?"
Excused
A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror. He thinks, "I can outrun this guy!" so he floors it and the race is on. The cars race down the highway-60,70,80,90 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures, "What the heck..." and gives up. He pulls over to the curb. The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says, "Listen Mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go."
The man thought for a moment and said..."Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought you were trying to give her back to me!"
The cop left with a smile on his face...EXCUSED!
The Woman in the Bar
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediatly. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently carress his beard, which is full and bushy "Are you the manager?" she ask, Softly stroking his face with both hands.
"actually no " he replies. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him." she says, running her hand up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't,"breathes the barman, clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes there is. I need you to give him a message,"she contiues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck on them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."
Husband goes out for cigarettes
Man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks
down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to
use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts
talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another
and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes
its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you
got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds
to rub on his hands and then he goes home.
His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed. "Where
the hell have you been?!?!"
"Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they
were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this
great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to
another and I ended up in bed with her."
"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!"
She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You damn liar!!! You went
bowling again!!!"
The little Boy With Chicken Wire
A little boy is walking down the street holding some chicken wire. He walks
past a house where an old man is sitting in his rocking chair out on the
porch.
The man says to the boy, "what are you doing with that chicken wire?"
"I'm going to go catch some chickens" was the reply.
"You foolish boy, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" said the old
man. The little boy shrugged, and continued down the road.
A few hours later, the boy came back up the street, holding a chicken in his
arms. The man is dumbfounded; he stares in awe as the boy walks past.
The next day, the little boy walks past the man's house once again, this
time carrying duck tape. (yes i know its duct tape, stay with me here).
The old man says to the boy, "what are you doing with that duck tape?"
"I'm going to catch some ducks" was the boy's reply.
"You foolish boy, you should know you cant catch ducks with duck tape..."
but the boy simply shrugged and continued on his way.
Later that day, the boy came back up the street past the old man, still in his
rocking chair, carrying a duck in his arms. Once again, the man was amazed, but
didnt say a word as the boy disappeared up the street.
On the third day, the boy walked past the old man's house carrying a bunch of
flowers in his arms.
The man said to him, "what a lovely bouquet of flowers! where are you going
with them?"
The little boy said, "these arent just flowers, they're pussy willow."
The old man said, "i'm coming with you!"
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