Who Would Win?

This page has absolutely nothing to do with MTV's Celebrity Deathmatch show. I have come up with matches they haven't done, for the most part, and those that they have, I've included different results. That show suffers from serious "Sliders" sydrome. That is to say, it is a good concept for a show, but is poorly carried out and highly disappointing every week. There is never enough blood, and almost every ending is a cop-out. But What If...

The Challenger	The Competitor	The Results	Odds	New Odds
Xena	Buffy the Vampire Slayer	Obviously, Xena. She's older, has more muscle mass, and does not specialize in merely vampires and ghouls, but can also fight the occasional god. She is also half-god herself, whereas Buffy just now got her driver's liscense.	70/1	But what if Gabriel helped Xena, and what if Buffy's friends helped her? This would even out the odds considerably, since Gabriel is an ignorant goof-ball and Buffy has more friends. However, Gabriel has some skill with a staff, which even outs the odds.	50/50
Captain Kirk	Captain Picard	Since nerdity is not a factor in determining fights, unfortunately, Captian Kirk would win. He has all those weird fight-moves from the original TV show, like the one where he flips people over his head using his feet. Sorry, Jean-Luc.	30/1	Now, let's say the crew of each Enterprise got to participate. The Next Generation crowd would win for one reason: They have Worf.	1/99
the cast of 90210	the cast of Melrose Place	Melrose Place wins, because the cast is older, the guys are not as wimpy, and they have Heather Locklier.	90/1	Now, what if the 90210 cast still had Brenda? That would even out the bitch-factor, but there would still be more men for Melrose Place. Even if it was just Heather versus Brenda, Heather would win because of the age/weight ratio.	75/1
Ginger,of Gilligan's Island. Duh.	Mary Ann	Mary Ann would win, obviously. Ginger is a movie star. She would be too afraid of breaking her valuable face.	1/99	If the other members of the island took sides, almost everyone would side with Ginger, probably, since most of the population of the island was male.	75/1
Celine Dion	Mariah Carey	Hopefully they'll kill each other. But seriously, it would depend on who could sing a high enough note to make the other person's brain shatter, or head explode (as seen on MTV). But they are really about eqally matched. Maybe so equally matched that they would die simotaneously.	50/50	We should consider that Mariah Carey has had more irritating hit songs over a larger range of years. Celine, however, is older, French-Canadian, and has had two ultra-annoying mega-hits. Again, hopefully they both die.	50/50
Godzilla	James Bond	James Bond may be an excellent spy, but how does he match up against pure brute, animal force? Does size really matter, or is it what's in your head that counts? Each character also has over a dozen movies backing them.	50/50	James Bond has the command of the entire British Army behind him (yay) but in more recent films, has also been backed by the U.N. So that would make it the World vs. Godzilla. Plus Godzilla movies tend to suck. James Bond wins for coolness.	1/80
Craig Kilborn	Dan Rather (or any other news anchor on television)	Craig Kilborn wins, obviously. He's cooler, taller, and funnier than every other anchor on TV. He's also younger than Dan Rather, speicifically, so he most likely has speed and flexibility on his side.	200/1	How about Connie Chung? I'm thinking Craigers would still win.	99/1
Parker Lewis	Ferris Bueler	This is a simple logic game. Sure, the movie Ferris Bueler's Day Off was much cooler than the TV show Parker Lewis Can't Lose, but then, by his very definition... Parker Lewis Can't Lose.	1/0	Now let's disregard the language of the title of the show. After all, if Parker Lewis really couldn't lose, there would be no conflict to base a show on, for one thing. And then there's the fact that the show was cancelled. And after a relatively short run. The movie, on the other hand, is replayed ad nauseum on Comedy Central and HBO. And it is still good every time.	1/25
Ben Stien	Alex Trebeck	This is hardly even a contest. If they are engaging in hand to hand combat, Ben Stien wins because of his weight. He's not fat or anything, but he does have an advantage over Trebeck.	50/1	Now, that scenario is highly unlikely. These are intellectual men. They would probably play trivial pursuit or some similar game. The results of this would still end in Ben Stein's triumph, because Alex only reads those little cards, whereas Ben actually competes on his show.	300/1
Superman	Batman	Well, I'm no comic book expert, but a co-worker recently advised me that Superman would clearly win, because what does Batman have other than some Ninja skills? However, since Batman is cooler, I have lowered the odds considerably.	20/1	Now let's say Batman had some kryoptonite. ZAP! Take that "Super"man.	1/50
Spiderman	Batman	This is a tough match. Batman went through years of training, but Spiderman used to be scientist. They are most likely intellectually matched, with Spiderman gaining a slight edge with his "Spidey senses." However, when it comes to weaponry and other equipent, Batman has a clear advantage. It all boils down to three words: Bat Utility Belt.	1/25	If it was a fight with no weaponry, that is to say no utility belt, and no Bat mobile, and say for some reason Spiderman couldn't use his webs, the match is really even.	50/50
the cast of Party of Five	the cast of Dawson's Creek	Whoa! Trick question! These two casts wouldn't fight, they would whine. And then they would have torrid love affairs with each other, which would end badly, and they would whine about that too.	n/a	OK, OK, all that aside, say they really did engage in combat. The Party of 5 cast is older, and I think there are more of them. I'm not a big fan of either show, but I would have to guess that Party of 5 would win.	20/1
the Kids in the Hall	Monty Python	The Kids in the Hall would get their Canadian butts kicked. Just think of John Cleese going crazy. Even if it was just John Cleese fighting, they'd still lose.	1/99	Now let's say their fighting against the present day members of Python, and not Python in its prime. John Cleese is really old. Some of the other members are particularily fat, but I think that might be a disadvantage when against the verile young Candadians.	5/1
challenger	competator	Results	odds	New scenario	New odds

Have any suggestions? Comments? Better odds? New scenarios? Email me.

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