Super-Duper Mario 64

Home sweet home

Overall: Fabulous game! Oh, my little friend, ye shan't be disappointed with this endeavor. It is spectacular. Nit: Mario's voice sounds incredibly Japanese. And the "Peach" character is so sexist. She languishes in the castle baking cakes and waiting for Mario to save her.

Graphics: Gorgeous! Many's the dead body I've tripped over what's died of happiness playing this marvelous, ground-breaking game. And all the extra goodies like the schools of fish, butterflies fluttering, and the occasional bluebird flying low merely add to the magic. Slash ahoy!

Sound System: Very very nice! Aforementioned Mario sounds awfully Japanese, but the bird chirps, waterfall splashes, and windstorm howls seriously add to this slash-worthy game. You gotta hear Mario snore to believe it!

Plot: Kinduva sad plot excuse: Princess Toadstool has been kidnapped (yet again; won't that girl ever learn?) by the Evil Bowser. She sends Messenger Pigeon to her Old Pal Mario to Rescue Her from Bowser's Clutches. (Yawn) Been there, done that, let's move on already! Tear

Abilities: We midgets can do anything! This little man has many skills indeed. He can run, jump, climb, swim, U-turn-jump, backflip, and if you jump three times whilst running, you'll do a triple-jump. Do so with a red cap and you'll be apple pie in the sky! (Gimme an S, gimme an L, gimme an A...) He even belly-flops and pounds the ground with his butt. More varied than an artichoke.

Difficulty: It ain't easy, that's fer sure. It took Sally about eight months to beat the game--meaning get every last star, red coin, and whup Bowser's ass. At the end, Peachy (whom, you'll note, never lifted a finger to get herself out. Hey, once a Xenite, always a Xenite!) comes out and thanks Mario for doing all that work, kisses him on the nose, and everyone goes in to have cake. At that point I was staring openmouthed, dumbfounded at the screen. All that grueling, sweaty, back-breaking work, and all he gets is a "thanks, want some cake?" I'd have thrown the furking cake in her face. But there is one thing I liked about the ending. After you get all the stars (including the 15 "bonus" stars), the cannon at the outside of the castle opens, you shoot up to Yoshi (translation: cute baby egg), and he gives you 100 mushrooms, plus an extra ability. And I ain't sayin' what it is! :)

Final Review: Buy the game. It's as simple as that! It's rated "E" for everyone, so get it for the kiddies, and try to sneak in a couple rounds for yourself. After all, you're worth it!

Email: freya2000@aol.com