Depression
Disclaimer: This is NOT a professional, medical page. This is simply my observations based on my own personal experience.
Topics:
Why I wrote this page
What depression isn't and is
What depression feels like (at least for me)
What you can do to help a depressed person
What a depressed person can do to help him/herself
Why I wrote this page
I'm writing this page because I have had experience with depression -- both my own and that of several people around me -- and I see a lack of understanding in the general populace as to what depression really is and how to deal with it. This page is an attempt to address these questions so that you can more accurately identify depression in yourself or people around you and react appropriately.
As I write this page, I am struggling with a second serious bout of depression, and I thought this would be an appropriate time to describe what a depressed person might feel like, and explain how other people can help.
What depression isn't and is
In society, people often use the term "depressed" to describe a state of sadness or disappointment. The term is most closely associated with a "blah" feeling or "the blues". However, while these characteristics may be part of true depression, these types of feelings are often temporary and closely related to recent events.
A truly depressed person has many or all of the following symptoms (I'll describe them in more detail below): Tiredness; a disinterest in normally interesting activities or objects; a lack of motivation; emotions similar to those of grief or no emotions at all; a sense of hopelessness; difficulty thinking or concentrating; suicidalism. *Please note: Most medical sources say that these symptoms need to occur for at least 2 weeks straight before being diagnosed as depression.
- Tiredness: Depression causes fatigue in several ways (some related to symptoms listed below). Generally, tiredness is a physical response to being emotionally worn out. Depression can often flare up in response to a highly emotional situation (a loss, major changes in my life, etc), and coping with these emotions (or avoiding them) is a lot of work. Tiredness can also be a physical manifestation of a lack of motivation.
- A disinterest in normally interesting activities or objects: Events that I normally look forward to now seem like monumental and insurmountable challenges. I'd rather just be by myself or go to sleep, and I don't really mind missing out on these things.
- A lack of motivation: This symptom is like the disinterest described above, but applies to everything in my day. I don't want to get up in the morning; I don't ever want to be where I am or doing what I'm currently doing; I don't want to go to bed at night. Nothing is appealing and everything seems like an overly difficult chore.
- Emotions similar to those of grief or no emotions at all: I often feel sad or have a sense of loss without being able to attribute it to anything in particular. I will often easily cry when I feel like this. Another extreme is a lack of emotions -- as if I've used up all the energy I have to feel anything.
- A sense of hopelessness: Okay, so this phrase can't even touch the depth of despair that a depressed person can reach.
- Difficulty thinking or concentrating: I often describe it as "buzzing" -- I have to re-read things several times before they sink in, I'll lose track of what people around me are talking about (especially if a conversation is long or complicated), I have a hard time problem solving, I get distracted by small things and forget about the goals.
- Suicidalism: This isn't always a symptom, but often can be. For me, it is more a sense of wishing I were dead rather than wanting to kill or hurt myself.
The most important thing to remember about depression is that it is a disease. It is not just a mood swing; it isn't a funk that a person can "snap out of". It is a medical problem and should be treated as such.
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What depression feels like (at least for me)
I will have mental images of myself in the bottom of a very deep chasm, where it is pitch black and I can't see anything around me. There's a little crack of light shining somewhere miles above me, but there is no way get there from here, and there is no end to the dark path I am walking.
I am tired. I don't want to get up in the morning and I don't want to go to bed at night. Everything seems so difficult and overwhelming.
I don't want to be with anyone -- people wear me out. I feel like I have to pretend to be okay, or I'll drag them down with me. I also feel like people can't possibly like me or want to be with me. Who would like someone that's so depressed?
I know that there's something seriously wrong, but I don't know quite what it is and I'm too tired to deal with it anyway. I think, if I could just sleep for a while, everything would go away and I'd be all right. But it never works out that way.
I'm so sick of feeling like this. I'm too tired to fix everything. I'd rather just give up. I'd rather just be dead, but I don't even have the energy or motivation to kill myself.
I feel guilty for not being about to "snap out of it". My friends try to cheer me up -- they can make me smile, but it actually hurts to laugh, and, as soon as I stop laughing, I go right back to how I felt before. Other people just get scared or upset when I tell them how I feel. I make them panic or worry. I wish I could make it all go away so that no one else would have to feel bad, but I just can't. It's so frustrating. What's wrong with me that I can't be happy and perky like everyone else?
What you can do to help a depressed person
I've found in my experience that there are three types of people of people in the world:
- Those who don't understand depression and react to it inappropriately;
- Those who do understand it and react to it inappropriately; and
- Those who do understand it and react appropriately.
I'll cover these in a little more depth. Try to identify where you are and what you might need to change to get to the last state (understanding and reacting appropriately).
- Those who don't understand depression and react to it inappropriately: If you're this kind of person, you have an incorrect definition of the word "depression". You think a depressed person is just sad, disappointed, or feeling a little blue today. You think the person should just snap out of it and cheer up. You behave accordingly, trying to make light of the situation or force the person to "get busy with something" or "get his mind off it". You don't understand why the person seems reluctant to be with you, or why he doesn't want to do something that you usually do together.
- Those who do understand it and react to it inappropriately: If you're this kind of person, you know what depression is, and it scares you! You really want to help the depressed person feel better, so you're always asking him if he feels okay right now, or if he thinks he's better today than yesterday. You wish you could just fix whatever's causing the problem. You worry that the depressed person is suicidal, and you want to be there watching him to make sure nothing happens. You try to shelter him by only talking about happy things and keeping a close eye on him.
- Those who do understand it and react to it appropriately: If you're this kind of person, you know what depression is and you have a good understanding of how a particular person is handling his depression. You sympathize with the person, and you let him know that you are there for him if he needs you. You might make some suggestions as to how to deal with the depression (get counseling, get an anti-depressant, deal with a certain outstanding issue), but then you drop it and let the person make his own decisions. You realize that this is a long term issue, so you don't try to snap him out of it. You also don't try to shelter him. You treat him as you normally would: you invite him to participate in normal activities (but aren't surprised or hurt if he's not interested); you speak to him normally (although you might offer more support if there is a problem or difficult task to perform); you let him come to you if he wants to talk about personal issues instead of trying to pry them out of him.
Of course, every situation is going to be different. Some depressed people might want or need someone to "champion" them -- to prod them into getting help and to help them with tasks that seem overwhelming.
If you're not sure what to do in a particular situation, if you need more advice than is offered here, or if you find yourself suffering due to worry and stress that a depressed person is causing you, I highly recommend that you go to a counselor yourself. These people are trained to handle depressed people and can probably train you to deal with your situation within a few sessions.
What a depressed person can do to help him/herself
If you are suffering from depression, here are a few things that might help you:
- First and foremost: Identify the cause(s)! -- Often (but, of course, not always), depression is brought on by an event or situation in your life. It is important to identify this cause (if there is one) so that you can deal with it appropriately. There can be a wide variety of causes, and each cause has a variety of solutions. Here are some examples:
- Someone close to you recently died. You've cried about it, so why don't you feel better? One solution is to get grief counseling -- check with a Hospice or hospital in your area to see if they have counselors or support groups you can attend. These people can help you understand what the grieving process is and how to cope with it.
- You have a big decision to make in the near future. You really need to act quickly to make it happen, so why do you have a hard time thinking about it? In this case, you might be stressed to "make the right decision" without enough information, or you might be afraid of the consequences of the action. One way to deal with it is to find someone knowledgeable on the subject to help you understand your options more clearly. You should also make a schedule for yourself, planning a time when you will sit down and brainstorm (write down your options and the pro's and con's of each) and setting a date by which you hope to have a decision.
As you can see, the list of possible causes can be very long and very diverse. The cause might not even be something bad -- maybe it's just a big change in your life that you need some time to adjust to. There could be multiple causes, or there might not be an identifiable cause at all.
Why is this "first and foremost"? Quite often, people want to treat the symptoms instead of fixing the real problem. For example, a depressed person might take sleeping pills or anti-depressants to make themselves feel better, but, if they ever stop taking the medication, they find that they go right back to being depressed. The best way to fix the symptoms is to remove the cause.
- Equip yourself -- If you suffer from depression on more than one occasion (i.e., it comes and goes), learn to identify the symptoms and what treatments help these symptoms. Examples:
- I've learned that when I start "buzzing" (having trouble thinking and concentrating) there's probably something I'm worrying about (like an upcoming event). I know that I have to sit down and deal with the problem (for instance, writing out a schedule or plan for the event). Once I've dealt with it, I usually feel better.
- I've learned that when I start feeling unmotivated and having a sense of despair, I probably will not be able to deal with my depression without some sort of anti-depressant. I've learned this from past experience and now have a low-dose prescription bottle of Xanax* in my purse so that I can get myself out of tight situations (such as when I'm feeling suicidal). I've learned to identify the circumstances and feelings that are most likely to put me in a state of needing the medication and only take it when I know I need it.
In both of these examples, I've equipped myself -- either with a plan or with an actual tool (the medicine) to cope with the particular situation. This not only can help me feel better in those particular situations, but gives me a sense of hope that I will be able to deal with the different symptoms of depression that I may experience
- Get help -- Before I seriously sufferred from depression, I had the misconception that psychologists and counselors were only for the weak. However, I've now realized that it takes a strong person to go to a counselor. You have to have a desire to get help and make changes in your life. You also have to have the courage to admit some scary or embarassing things about yourself.
Furthermore, going to a counselor does not necessarily mean that you can't deal with your problem on your own. It might just mean that you don't know how to deal with it, and you need someone who's dealt with it before to give you some pointers. A good counselor will help you identify the causes of your depression and teach you how to deal with it.
- Take medicine (as needed) -- As I stated above, depression is a disease. There are some sicknesses (the common cold, for example), that you just have to wait out. But, for others, there are medicines that can help. Anti-depressants come in a wide variety (handling different kinds of depression) and can get help you feel more like yourself.
The goal with medication is not to fix the problem; the goal is to help you get out of the dark pit so that you can then identify and deal with the problem.
A lot of people are against these medicines, claiming that they make you act drugged instead of normal, but I've found that this only happens when a person is over-medicated. Starting on a low dose of a weak anti-depressant and slowly working up can help you identify the dosage and type of medication that works best for you.
- Develop lifestyle changes -- If you find that there is a particular problem or type of problem that keeps surfacing, investigate what in your life might be causing this recurrence. Example:
- Every time you have to make a big decision at work, you get very stressed and have a hard time sleeping and concentrating until you see the results of the decision. One possible solution is to develop a strategy for decision making, including brainstorming sessions, contact with knowledgeable co-workers or experts in the field and scheduling times to think about the decision. Another possible solution is to change your job (discuss changes to your responsibilities with a superior, apply for a different but related position within your department or workplace, or change workplace or occupation entirely).
As you can see, there are many possible solutions, some more extreme than others. The sources vary widely, as well. Sometimes, the source will be a specific person, object or event (such as: a person with whom you have a bad relationship; or funerals). Other times, it may be a certain type of situation (such as: making decisions of any kind; or spending time with people that you feel are "better" than you in some way). Depending on your situation, try to list several ways to eliminate or deal with the typical source and choose the one that most closely fits your personality and lifestyle.
- Educate the people closest to you -- This can be very difficult to do when you are depressed, but resources such as this page, a counselor, or a book or pamphlet about depression can help. When you are able, it's helpful to explain how depression makes you feel and what you want most from other people.
Credit:Some content borrowed from this page
* Xanax is technically an "anti-anxiety" medication and not used for the treatment of general depression. In my case, Xanax is used to reduce anxiety so that I can deal with stressful and depressing situations.
