The movie opens with Titanic II getting ready to sail. As the ships's horn blasts a mighty departure toot, up runs spunky young Jack Dawson, played again by Leonardo DiCaprio. There is seaweed on him.

Jack: Whew! I just made it!
Rose: Jack! I thought you had drowned! To death!
Jack: No! Fortunately, the bitter North Atlantic Cold was unable to penetrate my protective layer of hair gel! Who are you?
Rose: I'm Rose! Remember? You gave your life for me in "Titanic I."
Jack: But Rose was played by Kate Winslet!
Rose: She didn't want to be in another movie with you, because your cheekbones are so much higher! So the part went to me, Demi Moore!
Jack: Whatever.

The scene shifts to the ship's bridge.
Captain: Ahoy, first mate! Commence starboard computer animation! Full speed ahead!
First mate: Sir! We're getting reports of giganitic icebergs directly ahead! Shouldn't we go slow?
Captain: Don't be silly! What are the chances that we're going to hit another...

There is a loud crunching sound. Big pieces of ice come through the window, along with several penguins and cows.
Captain: Damn it, Jim!
First mate: Sir! The computerized sinking animation has commenced!

The scene shifts to the Poop Deck, where the water is rising fast. Jack and Rose are helping women and children into a lifeboat, when an evil villain appears with a gun.
Villain: Out of the way! I'm taking this lifeboat all for myself!
Jack: It's Kenneth Turan, film critic for the Los Angeles Times!
Turan: That's right, and I shall stop at nothing to get off this ship, because the dialogue is terrible!
Jack: Is not!
Turan: Is too!

They commence fighting.
The late Burgess Meredith: You can do it, Rock! Watch out for the jab!
Jack: Hey, you're in the wrong sequel!
Meredith: Sorry.

This distraction enables Turan to gain the upper hand.
Turan: I have gained the upper hand! Whatever that expression means! And now, pretty boy, I'm going to..OHMIGOD! NOOO!

Turan is torn into raisin-sized pieces by an irate horde of young female Leonardo DiCaprio fans.
Jack: Whew! That was close! Uh-oh! This ship is almost done sinking!
Rose: This is it! I hope I don't end up as an old bag in this movie!

As the two lovers start to slip beneath the icy cold computerized waves, they embrace. There is a cracking sound.
Jack:You broke my ribs!
Rose: Sorry! I have tremendous upper-body strength since starring in G.I. Jane!
Jack: Don't worry! As long as my cheekbones are OK!

The water slowly closes over them. In the distance, we hear two crew members on a lifeboat, looking for survivors.
First crew member:What's that sound coming from over there?
Second crew member: It sounds like...Oh my God! It's Celine Dion!
First crew member: Let's get out of here!

The end

Back to Titanic: Cherished Memories

This "sequel" was not written by me. I received it in an e-mail, and I do not take any credit for it whatsoever.