So you want to know more about me, eh?
- The worst job I ever had was as a kamikaze pilot (lousy retirement package).
- My name is spelled R-I-C-K, but people tend to pronounce it I-D-I-O-T.
- In truth, I am an idiot savant...if you leave out the savant part.
- I'm hoping for an amicable break-up with myself, because this relationship isn't working out.
- I think O.J. did it in the conservatory with Professor Plum with the lead pipe. Now there's a pretty picture.
- Some restaurants still provide me with utensils. Fools!
- I thank God every day that I'll never have to discover, that in another lifetime, I was Michael Jackson.
- Would you believe that a university once admitted me? I think I majored in fluctuating blood alcohol levels, but it's all just a blur.
- I wish someone would stop me from sticking my tongue on chain link fences in the wintertime.
- Who says that lightning doesn't strike twice? Tell that to the metal plate in my head.
- My Russian Roulette record is improving.
- Whenever someone says, "They say...blah, blah, blah...", I am one of "them." Eric Estrada, Larry Wilcox
and other select members of the cast of 'CHiPs' are the others.
- I'm addicted to joining 12 Step programs. Now I have the heroin addicts on crack, the crack addicts are
over-eating, the weight watchers are gambling, the gamblers are smoking, the smokers are alcoholics and the
alcoholics are heroin addicts.
- Whoever said that women love a man in uniform was wrong! I wear a Burger King uniform to all the trendy night spots, but do I ever get lucky? Noooooooo!
- No, I don't have Tourette's Syndrome. I just feel like swearing at you.
- Like fine wine, I was made to mature with age. However, my equivalent of a cork seems to have popped long ago.
- I like to piss off mimes by miming them.
- I once swallowed a quarter, and after working its way through my system it exited as a dime, two nickels and five pennies.
Sorry, you will find no picture of me on this page-I didn't want to
cause pandemonium or have the whole internet community bearing torches and hunting me down. Just conjure up a mental image of Brad Pitt (after a bad car wreck).
Technically, I'm an adult. As for maturity-that's another matter altogether.
That could be one of the reasons why I'm still single. Other reasons? Pull up
a chair. heh My age? No, I'm not a teenager. Far from it..but some people have assumed I'm one due to the contents of these pages. Go figure..it clearly states that I'm an adult a little higher up. Duh. Do your research, people.
I live in Sault Ste. Marie, Ontario, Canada, which is referred to by
the locals as the Soo-partly because no one can spell or pronounce Sault
Ste. Marie properly. We've had electricity for almost a year now. Indoor
plumbing too! I think e-mail is great because one is never sure when the
dog-team is going to get through with the snail mail.
If you believed all of that, I'll sell you the International Bridge,
which connects us to beautiful, metropolitan Sault St. Marie, Michigan. If
you want to find us on a map, look at the approximate intersection of lakes
Superior, Huron and Michigan. I'll wait...Back? That's North America,
lame-brain. :-) And no, it doesn't snow year round here, it just seems that
way. We are immortalized in the song "Born in the Water" by the Tragically Hip-infamously so in the line "Smart as trees in Sault Ste. Marie." Long story, but I was among the minority that opposed the by-law that led to this slag.
Click here to see a recent shot from the Sault webcam.
It'll probably be a live shot of a big tent. Don't get all excited-the circus isn't in town. It's just a big tepee that we herd the tourists under prior to the mass scalping. Just kidding! Maybe...
Actually, that would be the Dr. Roberta Bondar Pavillion. She's a local celebrity for becoming an astronaut. She couldn't get far enough from this hellhole on earth so she blasted off into space. Personally, I hate it when I do that. Do you think our Chamber of Commerce will love me? Hey, jump off our boardwalk! See if you can survive our rapids. Not a prayer! (I think Sault Ste. Marie is Indian (Bawating?) for "rapids of St. Mary's." Either that or "give me damn salt, Mary." heh ) Take a tour of our locks. And you thought Gilligan had a rough three hour tour? Visit the Old Stone House. It's old and it's stone. Go figure! Visit the Bush Plane Museum. Get your mind out of the gutter now. (At least it isn't a reference to George Duh!-ble-ya Bush.) Take the Agawa Canyon train tour. Wasn't the boat tour bad enough for you? Come for the Bon Soo Winter Carnival. Just be careful that you don't become one of the snow sculptures. If you must, don't stand in a compromising position for too long. Visit the scenic Station Mall. Don't worry, no one was killed the last time the roof caved in! Gamble away your kids' college funds at our casino or one of the nearby ones in Michigan. On your way there, the guys at customs just love it when you joke about drugs! Trust me. That's not all...you'll just love the "Gateway Site". It's going to be big! It's going to be expensive! It's going to bring tourists from everywhere! It'll be great! Trouble is...nobody knows what it's going to involve. It's been in the works for years, and they're still clueless. Pack your bags now! Enjoy the fresh Northern Ontario air, further enhanced by contaminants generated by St. Mary's Paper and Algoma Steel.
Click here to go to the official S.S Marie homepage.
If you did that, feel free to pull the trigger now. There is no hope for you. Just kidding!
Some of my interests include: music [mostly classic rock (the
Beatles, the Rolling Stones, the Eagles, Bob Seger, Heart, Led Zeppelin, John Mellencamp, Billy Joel, CCR, Bryan Adams, April Wine, Neil Young, Styx, Motown, etc.) and some more recent stuff, such as Alanis, Oasis, Sarah McLachlan, The Tragically Hip, Garbage, the Cranberries, Barenaked Ladies, Matthew Good Band, etc.; reading [mostly horror (Stephen King, Dean Koontz, Anne Rice),
science fiction, and fantasy]; computer games (adventure and role-playing);
watching movies [(Click here if you really, really have no life want to see a list of ones I've seen) my favourites include Clint Eastwood,
Monty Python, Woody Allen]; chatting with good friends ; and sports [mostly hockey (les Canadiens de Montreal) and
football (my Dallas Cowboys, Notre Dame: hey-I'm Irish!), as well as a rooting interest in baseball
(Blue Jays and Expos) and March Madness. You can breathe now. I'm not
performing CPR on you. I was trying for the record for the longest run-on
sentence ever.
Click here to see Kooky Kaptions. Caution: Don't hold me responsible if these actually make you guffaw.
We all know e-mail can be a pain. I have a solution if you just don't have the time. You've heard of prefabricated housing, but now there's RICK'S PREFABRICATED E-MAIL.Click here and have me write your e-mail for you!
I've created a page on which to unleash crazy things that pop into my head. I call it Psycho Babbling. I plan to add to it over time as future madness strikes. So please click on the link below.
Psycho Babbling
I've come up with my very own get rich scheme. Doesn't everyone have one? Buying lottery tickets just isn't panning out. So please click on the link below.
Click here to see my plea to stupid people
I came up my own tv spoilers for unaired episodes (episodes that should have been). Click on the link to see something I like to call TV MISGUIDED
Regis and Kelly agreed to interview me, asking an assortment of questions pulled from those pesky e-mail surveys that you're probably familiar with.
Click here to see a transcript of my appearance on Live With Regis and Kelly
I'm a sports fan and I've created a page where I have some fun with the names of athletes, and poked fun at some athletes themselves. I don't think you have to even like sports to get enjoyment out of the results.
Click here to see me Goofing On Sports
If you are still with me, cut your way through the cobwebs and
look me up on my message board. Make sure you sign
my Guestbook first and let me know what you think. I'd appreciate it.
Click on the button to return to the psycho ward
