TV MISGUIDED

I've dug deep in the vaults and located some tv program episodes that never quite made it to air, a few that still may be in the works, and a couple of updates on popular shows. Let the lawsuits begin! (Like any tv executives or celebrities will be reading these anyway! heh)

• Dharma And Greg-Greg (Thomas Gibson) strangles Dharma (Jenna Elfman) after one too many of her wacky schemes. He is acquitted by a jury of his peers-all married men. (Special guest appearance-Ricky Ricardo (Desi Arnaz) as an expert witness.)

• Just Shoot Me-The cast members do just that to Dennis (David Spade) after they agree that the straggly-haired, scrawny wimp is annoying.

• Will And Grace-Will (Eric McCormack) marches in the gay pride parade, but later throws a hissy fit when Grace (Debra Messing) asks him what’s to be proud about having your butt reamed by another guy.

• Malcolm In The Middle-Malcolm (Frankie Muniz) and Reese (Justin Berfield) tie Dewey (Erik Per Sullivan) to the roof after they discover his ears provide good enough reception to pick up porn channels on their television set.

• Quincy-Quincy (Jack Klugman) performs an autopsy on himself and concludes that the cause of death was prolonged exposure to Tony Randall. His boss (John S. Ragin) is incredulous, of course, even though Quincy is always right…so Quincy’s ghost vows to haunt him for all of eternity as payback for years of doubting his expert opinions.

• Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?-Apparently no one, as the show runs out of contestants willing to sit across from Regis Philbin for any amount of money. Cancelled.

• Weakest Link-Anne Robinson is swarmed by insulted contestants and they discover the world’s largest butt plug. After surgical removal, Anne becomes cordial. Seeing ratings plummet, NBC executives borrow a butt plug from Alex Trebeck to use on Ms. Robinson.

• Court TV-A look back on the O.J. Simpson trial. Playbacks reveal that Johnny Cochrane’s immortal words were actually, “If I’m full of shit, you must acquit”, and the verdict suddenly makes sense.

• Joanie Loves Chachi-At least Joanie (Erin Moran) did until she saw Scott Baio (Chachi) acting in Charles In Charge.

• Charles In Charge-Well, Charles (Scott Baio) was until the cast saw an episode of Joanie Loves Chachi. Shortly thereafter, Scott is found dead. Diagnosis: Murder.

• Little House On The Prairie-Ma (Karen Grassle) repeatedly rearranges the furniture as a practical joke on newly blind Mary (Melissa Sue Anderson). Pa (Michael Landon) gives Laura (Melissa Gilbert) a bare bottom spanking and it leads to a fetish. Laura excitedly discovers new ways of invoking her father’s wrath.

• Three’s Company-At the Roper’s orgy, Jack (John Ritter) can’t escape Stanley’s (Norman Fell) watchful eye, so he submits to having sex with Larry (Richard Kline). Larry subsequently moves in with Jack and Chrissy (Suzanne Somers) after they throw Janet (Joyce DeWitt) out.

• Happy Days-The actor who played seldom mentioned Cunningham sibling, Chuck (Randolph Roberts), goes postal and slaughters the whole family during a reunion episode after hearing how large their royalty checks are from syndication, and that he wasn’t eligible. Henry Winkler (the Fonz), loses his cool and shrivels up into a ball in the corner.

• The Brady Bunch-Jan (Eve Plumb) slits Marsha’s (Maureen McCormick) throat in a fit of jealous rage hoping it will make her popular, only to discover at the funeral that it’s still all about Marsha! Marsha! Marsha! Meanwhile, Bobby (Mike Lookinland) and Cindy (Susan Olsen) are traumatized when they walk in on Sam (Allan Melvin) and Alice (Ann B. Davis) making love on the kitchen table. Asked what they are doing, the embarrassed butcher tells the kids they’re playing hide the salami, and the kids decide to become vegetarians on the spot.

• Touched By An Angel-The angels’ wings are clipped because touching constitutes sexual harassment.

• X-Files-Tired of Mulder (David Duchovny) and Scully’s (Gillian Anderson) snooping, aliens destroy the earth. The X-Files are closed forever. Hmmm…there really was something out there.

• Beverly Hillbillies-Jed (Buddy Ebsen) discovers why Elly May (Donna Douglas) rarely dated boys and immediately bans her from bringing her critters up to her room. Mr. Drysdale (Raymond Bailey) gets a divorce and marries granny (Irene Ryan) only to discover Jethro (Max Baer, Jr.) squandered the family’s millions on lottery tickets.

• Survivor-The show is voted off the air after millions of brainwashed viewers snap out of it, and realize that “reality-based” programs are the biggest load of crap on television.

• Sesame Street-Eyebrows are raised when the Count adds up the number of years that Bert and Ernie have shared a room. The pair are railroaded out of town and take up residence in Mr. Roger’s (Fred Rogers) neighbourhood (which undoubtedly is more accepting of alternative lifestyles).

• Dukes of Hazard-Roscoe (James Best) catches Bo (John Schneider) and Luke (Tom Wopat) double teaming cousin Daisy (Catherine Bach) and is set to press charges until Uncle Jesse (Denver Pyle) reminds them they’re in the south. Uncle Jesse and Roscoe join in.

• The Fugitive-Doctor Kimball (David Janssen) cuts off his right arm because the authorities aren’t looking for a one-armed man. He spends the rest of the episode cursing because it was a dumb-assed thing to do, and it really, really hurts.

• The Waltons-A crisis arises after John boy (Richard Thomas) refuses to say good night to the rest of the family because he felt he got a smaller slice of apple pie than Mary Ellen (Judy Norton-Taylor). No one can sleep with their nightly ritual disrupted. Wondering how they could have raised such a bad seed, John (Ralph Waite) canes him, and Olivia (Michael Learned) locks him in the punishment closet to a refrain of "Good night, John boy."

• Friends-Ross (David Schwimmer) goes down on Phoebe (Lisa Kudrow) and he begins to wonder what the true inspiration for the song Smelly Cat was.

• Batman-Robin (Burt Ward) tears his tights and is forced to share a pair with Batman (Adam West), since asking Catwoman (Julie Newmar) to share wouldn’t have been the gentlemanly thing to do. That’s their excuse anyway, as the duo give up crime fighting, having found something more dynamic to do.

• Star Trek-The Enterprise is shot down by a Klingon ship because Captain Kirk’s (William Shatner) staggered speech…doesn’t allow…enough time…to give…an order…for evasive…action.

• ER-Dr. Green (Anthony Edwards) faces a dilemma when he has to urinate badly during a critical stage in an operation.

• Judge Judy-Maura Tierney sues Anthony Edwards for taking method acting too far after she broke her hip slipping in a puddle of his pee on the set.

• The Andy Griffith Show-Andy (Andy Griffith) is fired after he is caught fishing while on duty. Sheriff Fyfe (Don Knotts) arrests him for pimping for Aunt Bea (Frances Bavier) when she cops plea after she’s caught red-handed giving Floyd, the barber, (Howard McNear) a blow job for twenty bucks. Out-of-towners become puzzled when locals giggle every time the term barber pole comes up in conversation.

• Matlock-Matlock (Andy Griffith) takes on pimp Andy Taylor (Andy Griffith) as a client because he reminds him a lot of himself when he was younger. Otis Campbell (Hal Smith), Mayberry’s town drunk, appears as a character witness after Andy slips him a bottle of hootch.

• The Price Is Right-The first showcase features Bob Barker being castrated by a horde of ex-Barker’s Beauties because of his history of sexual harassment. Remember, have your pests spayed and neutered.

• Martha Stewart Living-Martha is ripped to shreds by a mob who have grown tired of her stupid tips. It’s a good thing.

• The Young And The Restless-Three masked assailants pummel Victor Newman (Eric Braeden) to a pulp. Later, Nikki (Melody Thomas Scott), Ashley (Eileen Davidson) and Hope (Signy Coleman) take off their masks and celebrate, and wonder who will next be paired with the mumbling, monotone bore. Also, scientists arrive in Genoa City to research why the town’s children age so rapidly.

• Baywatch-More scantily clad beachgoers. No plot this week. Viewers fail to notice. Children scamble for quarters when a roll falls out of Mitch’s (David Hasselhoff) speedos.

• Leave It To Beaver-Beaver (Jerry Mathers) commits suicide after his classmates discover the slang meaning of the word beaver and start calling him Pudendum instead.

• Two Guys and a Girl-The show becomes two girls and a guy after Berg (Ryan Reynolds) accidently cuts off Pete’s (Richard Ruccolo) penis with a scalpel.

• Murder She Wrote-And that’s about as far as Jessica Fletcher (Angela Lansbury) gets after she undergoes a bout of writer’s block. Desperate, she plagiarizes an old Charlie Chan script, but is revealed as a fraud when Lansbury slips into a bad Chinese accent.

• Gilligan’s Island-Ginger (Tina Louise) and Mary-Anne (Dawn Wells) try to seduce Gilligan (Bob Denver) after reading the Skipper’s (Alan Hale) diary and how he raved about how his “little buddy” wasn’t so little after all.

• The Flintstones-The Rubbles and Flintstones switch partners and have a gay old time. Fred and Barney, Wilma and Betty, that is.

• The Jetsons-George wonders why he keeps finding Spacely sprockets under Jane and Judy’s beds, and makes Elroy take Rosie the Robot’s maid uniform off Astro when he finds himself getting aroused.