RECEPTIONIST: Yes, sir?
MAN: I'd like to have an argument please.
REC: Certainly sir, have you been here before?
MAN: No, this is my first time.
REC: I see. Do you want to have the full argument, or were you thinking of taking a course?
MAN: Well, what would be the cost?
REC: Yes, it's one pound for a five-minute argument, but only eight pounds for a course of ten.
MAN: Well, I think it's probably best if I start with the one and see how it goes from there. Ok?
REC: Fine. I'll see who's free at the moment... Mr. Du-Bakey's free, but he's a little bit conciliatory.... Yes, try Mr. barnard- Room 12.
MAN: Thank you.
The MAN walks down the corridor. He opens door 12. There is a man at a desk.
MR.BARNARD: (shouting) What do you want?
MAN: Well I was told outside...
MRB: Don't give me that you snotty-faced heap of parrot droppings!
MAN: What!
MRB: Shut your festering gob you tit! Your type makes me puke! You vacuous toffee-nosed malodorous pervert!!
MAN: Look! I came here for an argument.
MRB: (calmly) Oh! I'm sorry, this is abuse.
MAN: Oh I see, that explains it.
MRB: No, you want room 12A next door.
MAN: I see- sorry. (exits)
MRB: Not at all. (as he goes) Stupid git.
Outside 12A. The MAN knocks on the door.
MR.VIBRATING: (from within) Come in.
The MAN enters the room. MR.VIBRATING is sitting at a desk.
MAN: Is this the right room for an argument?
MRV: I've told you once.
MAN: No you haven't.
MRV: Yes I have.
MAN: When?
MRV: Just now!
MAN: No you didn't.
MRV: Yes I did!
MAN: Didn't.
MRV: Did.
MAN: Didn't.
MRV: I'm telling you I did!
MAN: You did not!
MRV: I'm sorry, is this the five-minute argument, or the full half-hour?
MAN: Oh... Just the five-minute one.
MRV: Fine (makes note of it; the MAN sits down) thank you. Anyway I did.
MAN: You most certainly did not.
MRV: Now, let's get one thing quite clear. I most definately told you!
MAN: You did not.
MRV: Yes I did.
MAN: You did not.
MRV: Yes I did.
MAN: Didn't.
MRV: Yes I did.
MAN: Didn't.
MRV: Yes I did!!
MAN: Look this isn't an argument.
MRV: Yes it is.
MAN: No it isn't, it's just contradiction.
MRV: No it isn't.
MAN: Yes it is.
MRV: It is not.
MAN: It is. You just contradicted me.
MRV: No I didn't.
MAN: Ooh, you did!
MRV: No, no, no, no, no.
MAN: You did, just then.
MRV: No, nonsense!
MAN: Oh, look this is futile.
MRV: No it isn't.
MAN: I came here for a good argument.
MRV: No you didn't, you came here for an argument.
MAN: Well, an argument's not the same as contradiction.
MRV: It can be.
MAN: No it can't. An argument is a connected series of statements to establish a proposition.
MRV: No it isn't.
MAN: Yes it is. It isn't just contradiction.
MRV: Look, if I argue with you I must take up a contrary position.
MAN: But it isn't just saying 'No it isn't'.
MRV: Yes it is.
MAN: No it isn't, argument is an intellectual process... contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of anything the other person says.
MRV: No it isn't.
MAN: Yes it is.
MRV: Not at all.
MAN: Now look!
MRV: (pressing the bell on his desk) Thank you, good morning.
MAN: What?
MRV: That's it. Good morning.
MAN: But I was just getting interested.
MRV: Sorry the five minutes is up.
MAN: That was never five minutes just now!
MRV: I'm afraid it was.
MAN: No it wasn't.
MRV: I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to argue anymore.
MAN: What!?
MRV: If you want me to go on arguing you'll have to pay for another five minutes.
MAN: But that was never five minutes just now... oh come on! (VIBRATING looks around as though MAN was not there) This is ridiculous.
MRV: I'm very sorry, but I told you I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid.
MAN: Oh. All right. (pays) There you are.
MRV: Thank you.
MAN: Well?
MRV: Well what?
MAN: That was never five minutes just now.
MRV: I told you I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid.
MAN: I've just paid.
MRV: No you didn't.
MAN: I did! I did! I did!
MRV: No you didn't.
MAN: Look I don't want to argue about that.
MRV: Well I'm very sorry but you didn't pay.
MAN: Aha! Well if I didn't pay, why are you arguing... got you!
MRV: No you haven't.
MAN: Yes I have... if you're arguing I must have paid.
MRV: Not necessarily. I could be arguing in my spare time.
MAN: I've had enough of this.
MRV: No you haven't.
MAN: Oh shut up! (he leaves and sees a door marked complaints; he goes in) I want to complain.
COMPLAINT MAN (Eric Idle): You want to complain? Look at these shoes... I've only had them three weeks and the heels are worn right through.
MAN: No, I want to complain about-
COM: If you complain nothing happens. You might jst as well not bother. My back hurts and... (the MAN exits, walks down the corridor and enters a room.)
MAN: I want to complain. (SPREADERS, who is just inside the door hits MAN on the head with a mallet.) Ooh!
SPREADERS (Terry Jones): No, no, no, hold your head like this and then go 'waaagh'! Try it again. (he hits him again.)
MAN: Woh!
SPR: Better, better, but 'waaaagh'! 'Waaaagh'! Hold your hands here...
MAN: No!
SPR: Now. (hits him)
MAN: Waagh!
SPR: That's it! That's it! Good.
MAN: Stop hitting me!
SPR: What?
MAN: Stop hitting me.
SPR: Stop hitting you?
MAN: Yes.
SPR: What did you come in here for then?
MAN: I came here to complain.
SPR: Oh, I'm sorry, that's next door. It's being hit on the head lessons in here.
MAN: What a stupid concept.
DECTECTIVE INSPECTOR FOX enters.
FOX (Graham Chapman): Right. Hold it there.
MAN and SPR: What?
FOX: Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Inspector Fox of the Light Entertainment Police, Comedy Division, Special Flying Squad.
MAN and SPR: Flying Fox of the Yard?
FOX: Shut up! (he hits the MAN with a truncheon.)
MAN: Ooooh!
SPR: No, no, no! 'Waagh'!
FOX: And you! (he hits SPREADERS)
SPR: Waagh!
FOX: He's good! You could learn a thing or two from him. Right, now you two me old beauties, you are nicked.
MAN: What for?
FOX: I'm charging you two under Section 21 of the Strange Sketch Act.
MAN: The what?
FOX: You are hereby charged that you did wilfully take part in a strange sketch, that is, a skit, spoof or humorous vignette of an unconventional nature with intent to cause grievous mental confusion to the Great British Public. (to camera) Evening all.
SPR: It's a fair cop.
FOX: And you tosh. (he hits MAN)
MAN: WAAAGH!
FOX: That's excellent! Right, come on down the Yard.
Another Inspector arrives.
INSPECTOR (Eric Idle): Hold it. Hold it. Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Inspector Thompson's Gazelle of the Progarmme Planning Police, Light Entertainment Division, Special Flying Squad.
FOX: Flying Thompson's Gazelle of the Yard?
INS: Shut up! (hits him)
FOX: Waaagh!
SPR: He's good.
INS: Shut up! (hits SPREADERS)
SPR: Oooh!
MAN: Rotton. (he gets hit) WAAGH!
INS: Good! Now, I'm arresting this entire show on three counts: one, acts of self-conscious behavior contrary to the 'Not in front of the children' Act; two, always saying 'It's so and so of the Yard' every time the fuzz arrives; and three, and this is the cruncher, offenses against the 'Getting out of sketches without using a proper punchline' Act; four, namely, simply ending every bleeding sketch by just having a policeman come in and... wait a minute.
Another policeman enters.
POLICEMAN (John Cleese): Hold it. (puts his hand on THOMPSON"S GAZELLE'S shoulder)
INS: It's a fair cop.
A large, hairy hand appears through the door and claps POLICEMAN on the shoulder.
CAPTION...
