A PROPRIETOR stands behind the counter. He is surrounded by books. A large amount of books are to be seen everywhere; displayed on spinning racks and shelves.
A ringing bell announces the arrival of a CUSTOMER.
CUSTOMER (Terry Jones): Good morning.
PROPRIETOR (John Cleese): Good morning, sir. Can I help you?
C: Eh, yes. Do you have a copy of 'Thirty Days in the Samarkhen Desert with the Duchess of Kent' by A.E.J. Eliot, O.B.E.?
P: Uh... well, I don't know the book, sir.
C: Never mind, never mind. Uh, how about 'A Hundred and One Ways to Start a Fight'?
P: By?
C: Eh... an Irish gentleman who's name eludes me for the moment.
P: Uh... no, well we haven't got it in stock, sir.
C: Well, not to worry, not to worry. Can you help me with 'David Coperfield'?
P: Ah, yes; Dickens.
C: No.
P: I beg your pardon.
C: No; Edmund Wells.
P: I think you'll find Charles Dickens wrote 'David Copperfield', sir.
C: No, no. Dickens wrote 'David Copperfield' with two P's. This is 'David Coperfield' with one P by Edmund Wells.
P: 'David Coperfield' with one P?
C: Yes, I should have said.
P: Yes, well in that case we don't have it.
C: Funny, you've got a lot of books here.
P: Yes, we do, but we don't have 'David Coperfield' with one P by Edmund Wells.
C: Are you quite sure?
P: Quite.
C: Not worth just looking?
P: Definately not.
C: How about 'Grate Expectations'?
P: Yes, well we have that.
C: That's 'G-R-A-T-E Expectations', also by Edmund Wells.
P: Yes, well in that case we don't have it. We don't have anything by Edmund Wells, actually, he's not very popular.
C: Not 'Knickerless Knickleby'? That's K-N-I-C-K-E-R-L-E-S-S.
P: Nope.
C: 'Christmas Karol' with a K?
P: No.
C: Uh, how about 'A Sale of Two Titties'?
P: Definately not!
C: Sorry to trouble you.
P: (biting his tongue a bit) Not at all.
C: Good morning. (turns to leave)
P: (smiling) Good morning.
C: (turns suddenly) Oh!
P: (tiredly) Yes?
C: I wonder if you might have a copy of 'Rarnaby Budge'.
P: (sarcastically) No, as I say, we're right out of Edmund Wells.
C: No, not Edmund Wells. Charles Dikkens.
P: Charles Dickens?
C: Yes.
P: You mean 'Barnaby Rudge'.
C: No, 'Rarnaby Budge' by Charles Dikkens. That's Dikkens with two K's, the well-known Dutch author.
P: (deep breath) No, well we don't have 'Rarnaby Budge' by Charles Dikkens with two K's, the well-known Dutch author. And, perhaps to save time, I should add that we don't have 'Carnaby Fudge' by Darles Chickens, or 'Farmbrous Sludge' by Miles Pickens, or even 'Stickwick Stapers' by Farles Wickens with four M's and a silent Q! Why don't you try W.H.Smith's?
C: I did. They sent me here.
P: Did they?
C: Uh... I wonder-
P: (interrupts) Oh, do go on, please.
C: Uh, I wonder if you might have 'The Amazing Adventures of Captain Gladys Stoat-Pamphlet and Her Intrepid Spaniel Stig Amongst the Giant Pygmies of Beckles', uh, volume eight.
P: (deeeeeeep breath, getting very frustrated) No, we don't have that. Funny, we've got a lot of books here. (tries to rush him off) Well, I mustn't keep you standing here... thank you-
C: Well, do you have-
P: No, we haven't!
C: But! But- but!
P: No, we haven't! Sorry, no, it's one o'clock now. We're closing for lunch.
C: Well, I saw it over there. (pointing behind the PROPRIETOR) I saw it.
P: What? What?
C: I saw it over there; 'Olsen's Standard Book of British Birds'.
P: 'Olsen's Standard Book of British Birds'?
C: Yes.
P: (suspicious) O-L-S-E-N?
C: Yes.
P: B-I-R-D-S?
C: Yes.
P: Yes, well we do have that, as a matter of fact.
C: The expurgated version.
P: (long pause as PROPRIETOR digests this news) Sorry, I didn't quite catch that.
C: The expurgated version.
P: (astounded) The expurgated version of 'Olsen's Standard Book of British Birds'?
C: The one without the Gannett.
P: The one without the Gannett??!! They've all got the Gannett! It's a standard British bird, the Gannett! It's in all the books!
C: Well, I don't like them. They... wet their nests.
P: Alright! I'll remove it! (rips page from book) Any other birds you don't like?
C: I don't like the Robin.
P: The Robin! Right! (leafs through book) The Robin! (rips page from book) There you are! Any others you don't like? Any others?
C: The Nuthatch.
P: Right! The Nuthatch! The Nuthatch! (leafs through book) The Nutha- (finds it) Here we are! (rips page from book) There you are! No Gannetts! No Robins! No Nuthatches! There's your book!
C: I can't buy that, it's torn. Uh, I wonder if you have-
P: (slightly crazed now) Go on! Ask me anything! We've got lots of books here! This is a book shop!
C: Uh, how about 'Biggles Combs His Hair'?
P: No, no, we don't have that one. I'm sorry.
C: 'The Gospel According to Charlie Drake'?
P: No, no, no. Try me again!
C: Uh... oh, I know. 'Ethel the Aardvark goes Quantity Surveying'.
P: No, no, no- What?! What?!
C: 'Ethel the Aardvark goes Quantity Surveying'.
P: 'Ethel the Aar-? (excited and laughing) I've got it! (searches frantically) I've seen it somewhere! (laughing maniacally) I knew we had! Yes! Yes! (produces the book) Here we are! 'Ethel the Aardvark goes Quantity Surveying'! There's your book! (slams book on the counter) Now, buy it!
C: I don't have enough money.
P: I'll take a deposit.
C: I don't have any money.
P: I'll take a check.
C: I don't have a check book.
P: I'll take a blank one.
C: I haven't got a bank account.
P: Right! I'll buy it for you! (opens cash register) There you are! There's your change! There's some money for a taxi on the way home! There's your book!
C: Wait! Wait!
P: Now! Now!
C: Wait!
P: What? What? What? What? What?
C: I can't read!
P: You can't read? (deflates, defeated) Right! Sit down! Sit! Sit! Sit there! Are you sitting comfortably? Right! (begins to read) "Ethel the Aardvark was hopping down the river valley... (fade to...)
