WENSLEYDALE (Michael Palin): Good morning, sir.
MOUSEBENDER (John Cleese): Good morning. I was sitting in the public library on Thurmond Street just now, skimming through "Rogue Herries" by Horace Walpole when suddenly I came over all peckish.
W: Peckish, sir?
M: Esurient.
W: Eh?
M: (broad Yorkshire accent) Eee I were all hungry, like.
W: Oh, hungry.
M: (normal accent) In a nutshell. So I thought to myself, "A little fermented curd will do the trick." So I curtailed my Walpolling activities, sallied forth and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some cheesy comestibles.
W: Come again.
M: I want to buy some cheese.
W: Oh, I thought you were complaining about the music.
M: Heaven forbid. I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse.
W: Sorry?
M: I like a nice dance- you're forced to.
Quick cut to a VIKING.
VIKING: Anyway.
Cut back to the shop.
W: Who said that?
M: Now my good man, some cheese please.
W: Yes certainly, sir. What would you like?
M: Well, how about a little Red Leicester?
W: I'm afraid we're fresh out of Red Leicester, sir.
M: Oh never mind. How are you on Tilsit?
W: Never at the end of the week, sir. Always get it fresh first thing on Monday.
M: Tish, tish. No matter. Well, four ounces of Caerphilly, then, if you please, stout yeoman.
W: Ah, well, it's been on order for two weeks, sir. I was expecting it this morning.
M: Yes, it's not my day is it. Er... Bel Paese?
W: Sorry.
M: Red Windsor?
W: Normally, sir, yes, but today the van broke down.
M: Ah. Stilton?
W: Sorry.
M: Gruyère, Emmental?
W: No.
M: Any Norwegian Jarlsberger?
W: No.
M: Liptauer?
W: No.
M: Lancashire?
W: No.
M: White Stilton?
W: No.
M: Danish Blue?
W: No.
M: Double Gloucester?
W: ...No.
M: Cheshire?
W: No.
M: Any Dorset Blue Vinney?
W: No.
M: Brie, Rocquefort, Pont-l'Évêque, Port Salut, Savoyard, Saint-Paulin, Carre-de-L'Est, Boursin, Bresse-Bleue, Perle de Champagne, Camembert?
W: Ah! We do have some Camembert, sir.
M: You do. Excellent.
W: It's a bit runny, sir.
M: Oh, I like it runny.
W: Well as a matter of fact it's very runny, sir.
M: No matter. No matter. Hand over le fromage de la Belle France qui s'appelle Camembert, s'il vous plaît.
W: I think it's runnier than you like it, sir.
M: (smiling grimly) I don't care how *bleep*ing runny it is. Hand it over with all speed.
W: Yes, sir. (bends below the counter and reappears) Oh...
M: What?
W: The cat's eaten it.
M: Has he?
W: She, sir.
M: Gouda?
W: No.
M: Edam?
W: No.
M: Caithness?
W: No.
M: Smoked Austrian?
W: No.
M: Sage Derby?
W: No, sir.
M: You do have some cheese, do you?
W: Certainly, sir. It's a cheese shop, sir. We've got...
M: No, no, no, don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.
W: Fair enough.
M: Wensleydale?
W: Yes, sir?
M: Splendid. Well, I'll have some of that then, please.
W: Oh, I'm sorry sir, I thought you were referring to me, Mr. Wensleydale.
M: Gorgonzola?
W: No.
M: Parmesan?
W: No.
M: Mozzarella?
W: No.
M: Pippo Crème?
W: No.
M: Any Danish Fimboe?
W: No.
M: Czechoslovakian Sheep's Milk Cheese?
W: No.
M: Venezuelan Beaver Cheese?
W: Not today, sir, no.
M: Well let's keep it simple, how about Cheddar?
W: Well I'm afraid we don't get much call for it around these parts.
M: No call for it? It's the single most popular cheese in the world!
W: Not round these parts, sir.
M: And pray, what is the most popular cheese round these parts?
W: Ilchester, sir.
M: I see.
W: Yes, sir. It's quite staggeringly popular in the manor, squire.
M: Is it?
W: Yes, sir, it's our number one seller.
M: Is it?
W: Yes, sir.
M: Ilchester, eh?
W: Right.
M: Ok, I'm game. Have you got any, he asked expecting the answer no.
W: I'll have a look, sir... nnnnnnnnnooooooooo.
M: It's not much of a cheese shop really, is it?
W: Finest in the district, sir.
M: And what leads you to that conclusion?
W: Well, it's so clean.
M: Well, it's certainly uncontaminated by cheese.
W: You haven't asked me about Limberger, sir.
M: Is it worth it?
W: Could be.
M: Ok, have you... will you shut that bloody dancing up! (the music stops abruptly)
W: (aside) Told you so.
M: Have you got any Limberger?
W: No.
M: No, that figures. It was pretty predictable really. It was an act of pure optimism to pose the question in the first place. Tell me something, do you have any cheese at all?
W: Yes, sir.
M: Now I'm going to ask you that question once more, and if you say 'no' I'm going to shoot you through the head. Now, do you have any cheese at all?
W: No.
M: (shoots him) What a senseless waste of human life.
