LARRY SALTZBERG (Graham Chapman): Good morning boys.
WRITERS: Good morning, Mr. Saltzberg.
LAR: (sitting) Sit down! Sit down! Sit down! Sit down! Now, boys, I want you to know that I think you are the best six writers in movies today. (the writers are overcome.) I want you to know that I've had an idea for the next movie I'm going to produce and I want you boys to write it.
The writers run and kiss him.
WRITERS: Thank you. Thank you.
LAR: Oh sit down! Sit down! Sit down! There'll be plenty of time for that later on. Now boys, here's my idea...
3rd WRITER (Eric Idle): It's great!
LAR: You like it huh? (he looks round the table.)
WRITERS: (catching on fast.) Yeah, yeah, great! Really great. Fantastic. (1st WRITER is the only one not being overly exuberant over the idea.)
LAR: (to 1st WRITER) Do you like it?
1st WRITER (Michael Palin): (thrown) Yeah! Er... yeah.
LAR: (still to 1st WRITER) What do you like best about it?
1st: Oh well you haven't told us... what it is yet...
LAR: WHAT?
1st: (pointing to 2nd WRITER) I like what he likes.
LAR: What do you like?
2nd WRITER (Terry Jones): (pointing at 3rd WRITER) I like what he likes.
3rd: (pointing at 4th WRITER) I like what he likes.
4th WRITER (John Cleese): I like what he likes. (pointing at 5th WRITER)
5th WRITER (Terry Gilliam): I'm just crazy about what he likes. (pointing at 6th WRITER)
LAR: What do you like?
6th WRITER (Ian Davidson): I... I... I... agree with them.
LAR: Good! Now we're getting somewhere. Now, here's the start of the movie... I see snow! (writers applaud) White snow!
4th: Think of the colors!
LAR: And in the snow, I see... a tree!
WRITERS: (applauding) Yes! Yes!
LAR: Wait, wait, I haven't finished yet.
3rd: There's more?
LAR: And by this tree, gentlemen, I see... a dog!
WRITERS: Olé!
LAR: And gentlemen, this dog goes up to the tree, and he piddles on it.
WRITERS: Hallelujah!
6th: Have we got a movie!
5th: He tells it the way it is!
4th: It's where it's at!
3rd: This is something else!
2nd: It's out of sight!
1st: (finding LARRY staring at him) I like it, I like it.
LAR: (suspicious) Oh yeah?
1st: Yeah, yeah, I promise I like it!
5th: (interrupting) Sir, I don't know how to say this but I got to be perfectly frank. I really and truly believe this story of yours is the greatest story in motion-picture history.
LAR: Get out!
5th: What?
LAR: If there's one thing I can't stand, it's a yes-man! Get out! (5th WRITER leaves very fast, the others go very quiet.) I'll see you never work again. (to 6th WRITER ) What do you think?
6th: Well... I...
LAR: Just because I have an idea it doesn't mean it's great. It could be lousy.
6th: It could?
LAR: Yeah! What d'ya think?
6th: It's lousy.
LAR: There you are, you see, he spoke his mind. He said my idea was lousy. It just so happens my idea isn't lousy so get out you goddamn pinko submersive, get out! (6th WRITER flees) You... (looking straight at 4th WRITER)
4th: Well... I think it's an excellent idea.
LAR: Are you a yes-man?
4th: No, no, no, I mean, there may be things against it.
LAR: You think it's lousy, huh?
4th: No, no, I mean it takes time.
LAR: (really threatening) Are you being indecisive?
4th: No! Yes! Perhaps! (runs out)
LAR: I hope you three gentlemen aren't going to be indecisive. (they try to hide under the table) What the hell are you doing under that table?
1st: We dropped our pencils.
LAR: (ominously) Pencil droppers, eh?
WRITERS: No, no, no, no, no.
LAR: Right. Now I want your opinion of my idea... (pointing at 1st WRITER) You!
1st: (quaking) Oh...
(1st WRITER looks around and then faints.)
LAR: Has he had a heart attack?
2nd and 3rd: Er...
LAR: If there's one thing I can't stand, it's people who have heart attacks.
1st: (recovering immediately) I feel fine now.
LAR: Well, what do you think?
1st: Oh! Eh! You didn't ask me you asked him.
2nd and 3rd: He didn't ask me, he asked him. No him.
LAR: I've changed my mind. I'm asking you, the one in the middle.
2nd: The one in the middle?
LAR: Yes, the one in the middle. (the phone rings) Hello, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Dmitri. (meanwhile the writers jockey for position desperately trying to put the others in the middle chair. They all end up in one chair.) What the hell are you doing?
2nd: Thinking?
LAR: Get back in those seats immediately! (returns to phone conversation) Yes... (2nd WRITER) is grabbed by the others and held in the middle chair. LARRY finishes with the phone.) Right, you. The one in the middle, what do you think?
2nd: (panic) Er... er...
LAR: Come on!
2nd: Splunge!
LAR: Did he say splunge?
1st and 3rd: Yes.
LAR: What does splunge mean?
2nd: It means... it's a great idea, but possibly not, and I'm not being idecisive!
LAR: Good. Right... (to 3rd WRITER) What do you think?
3rd: Er... Splunge?
LAR: Ok.
1st: Yeah, splunge for me too!
LAR: So you all think splunge, huh?
WRITERS: Yes!
LAR: Well, now we're getting somewhere. No, wait! A new angle! In the snow, instead of the tree, I see Rock Hudson! And instead of the dog I see Doris Day. And gentlemen, Doris Day goes up to Rock Hudson and she kisses on him. A love story! Intercourse Italian style! David Hemmings as a hippy Gestapo officer! Frontal nudity! A family picture! A comedy! And then when Doris Day's kissed Rock Hudson she says something funny... like... (looks at 3rd WRITER)
3rd: Er... good evening?
LAR: Doris Day's a comedienne, not a newsreader! Get out! (3rd WRITER runs) She says something funny... like... (looks at 2nd WRITER)
2nd: Splunge?
LAR: That's the stupidest idea I've ever heard! Get out! (2nd WRITER flees) Doris Dog kisses Rock Tree and she says... (looks at 1st WRITER)
1st: Er... er... er... I can't take it anymore! (he gets up and runs away)
LAR: I like that! I like that! "I can't take it anymore!" And then Rock Hudson says "I'm a very rich film producer and I need a lobotomy." And then Doris Dog says "I think you're very handsome and I'm going to take all my clothes off." And then Doris Dog turns into a yak and goes to the bathroom on David Lemming. No, wait! Wait! (picks up phone) Hello? (Cut to the "It's" man with LARRY continuing in voice over) Hello, hello? Who are you? Are you an out-of-work writer? Well, you're fired! Roll the credits! (credits begin rolling with LARRY continuing his voice over) Produced by Irving C. Saltzberg, Jr. of an Irving C. Saltzberg Productions Limited, and Saltzberg Art Films, Oil, Real Estate, Banking and Prostitution Inc.
(the credits read...)
GRAHAM C. CHAPMANBERG
JOHN C. CLEESEBERG
TERRY C. GILLIAMBERG
ERIC C. IDLEBERG
TERRY C. JONESBERG
MICHAEL C. PALINBERG
ALSO APPEARING WAS IAN C. DAVIDSONBERG
CREDITS BY IRVING C. SALTZBERG
(credits continue in this fashion until...)
