"Randy," Mrs. Wakes called through the door, "You've got to get out of bed sometime."

Miranda wound herself up tighter in the thick comforter, and pulled her pillow over her head. She pulled her knees as close to her chest as she could, trying to block out her mother's voice.

"Lia wants to see you before she leaves," Mrs. Wakes called out, knocking gently on the door. "Miranda, are you in there?"

Randy stayed perfectly silent, her mouth clamped shut like a vice.

"You've got school!"

A minute later there was a heavy sigh and the sound of her mother's high heels walking away from her door. Randy breathed out, tears again escaping to the surface. It was so horrible. She couldn't even face her family. She was sure that when she stepped outside the doors of her darkened, cold bedroom that they would shun her. At least here, she could still hear them pretending to care, hear them checking in on her hourly, hear them speaking about her downstairs. Pretending was okay for now.

"Oh, Taylor," she murmured. "I am so sorry."

She attempted to smother herself with her pillow. Just before she thought her lungs would burst she panicked and pulled the pillow away. She gasped for air, and stared at the ceiling frightenedly. "What have I done?"

There was a knock at the door. "Randy! It's me!" the voice called. "I've got to go catch my plane now. I love you!"

She stood outside the door, anxiously awaiting a reply. When none came, she turned away dejectedly. "Bye, Randy," she mumbled under her breath, and headed back downstairs.

Randy sobbed loudly. What was she supposed to do? These people, they would be ashamed of her if they knew what she had done. If not for Randy, Taylor would still be alive. He'd be happy and touring somewhere in a distant corner of the United States. Maybe he'd even be overseas in some exotic place like Taiwan or Perth.

The sound of the front door slamming made her clamber out of bed. Randy peeked through the closed slats of the mini blinds. The dismal morning light temporarily blinded her. However, she managed to make out the figures of her mother and sister hunched over in their heavy jackets and hats, holding suitcases, lurching out to the car. It was odd to have this kind of snow in Tulsa, at any time of year, Randy thought. Taylor loved snow...

"I could sit out here all day," he told her, falling on his back and waving his arms and legs wildly.

The car rolled down the driveway, slowly and carefully. She headlights beamed across the street and onto the house across the way. The lights reflected off the icicles hanging from the eves of the house, and the frosted stained glass that was used in their front door. The effect was almost magical. Randy suddenly whirled around and looked at the emptiness behind her.

She was alone.

And it was all her fault.

Randy didn't dare go out when anyone was home. She waited until Saturday night, when her parents both left for the football banquet in Tulsa. She layered on her clothes, and crept out the back door. The snow crunched under her heavy boots. She pulled the knit cap lower of her ears. The tassel on the end tickled her cheek.

Her back yard was a winter wonderland. Guess I'm stuck in a dream, Surrounded by coloured leaves on the ground, As I stare at the tree, I see one fall down on my hand... In the back corner of the fenced yard was a swingset. Behind it, the chain link fence nearly disappeared into the piney woods. The swingset was rusted and covered in snow and dust. It had been years since either she or Lia had played there.

She walked around to the gate, and let herself out. As I start to explore, I can't ignore a man, He turned his head around, His face was all worn by the sun... She walked to the sidewalk, and trudged up the street. Everything was black and gray. I'm going out for a while so I can get high with my friend... There weren't many streetlights in this area, only the somber yellow lights burning on the porches of houses several yards away from the road. I'm going out for a while don't wait up cos I won't be home...Today... It was windy, as always. Frothy wisps of air emitted from her mouth.

Sometimes when she walked, she could hear Taylor's footsteps walking along beside her. Drifting down a road, Losing myself in a dream. Feel my hands getting cold, Sat in a boat on a lake... She shoved her gloved hands into the pockets of her outermost jacket, shivering all over. She could feel his hand reaching out and grabbing a fistful of her hair, and letting it drip through his fingers like water. She could feel his humid clouds of breath on her cheek when she paused, imagining the kiss that he was anticipating. The moistness of his mouth...

She flinched, and pushed herself to keep walking. It was a kiss that she didn't deserve. It was those kinds of wishes and hopes that had gotten Taylor killed. I'm going out for a while so I can get high with my friends... Her insistence that Taylor be with her. Her own selfishness of wanting him to herself. Her fear of letting him go. I'm going out for a while don't wait up cos I won't be home...Today... today... She was a creature of weakness and duplicity. She had never deserved Taylor. She saw that now with startling clarity.

Whatever happened to her, she was ready for it. She was ready for the world to turn against her. The whole world would hate her, and she would have to go on. Climbing up, trying my best as I sink, Lying back on the floor... Taylor had granted her clemency. He'd said he'd loved her before he'd gone. He didn't hate her and he didn't despise her. Reaching up high into space. He had loved her right down to his very last minutes. She thanked her lucky stars that he hadn't lived to hate her. See myself in a glass... Then, repulsed with herself, she wished with every grain of herself that he did live and he did hate her. She didn't deserve his love or his affection. I'm counting the lines on my face. She didn't deserve his mercy or his kindness. Again... She deserved his loathing and his spite. She deserved for him to hiss at her to leave him forever. To let him go and live without worry. Counting the lines on my face... He deserved happiness, and she deserved misery.

He deserved to live.

Oh, God, I would give my everything to have him back, she thought. I would even give up him. I would give up every ounce of my happiness to make him safe. I would...

She reached the end of the road. I'm going out for a while so I can get high with my friends, I'm going out for a while don't wait up cos I won't be home...

She turned and began to plod back. Her face was now numb, along with her toes. The world looked fuzzy to her. Dim. She sought the warmth of her house; the soft amber light that filled every room; the familiar smells and touches of home. Today... today...

Tears began to loll at the corner of her eyes. Home. Taylor would never come home.

Isaac handed the comb back to Zoe. "There ya go," he told her. "Go tell Dad to tuck you in now, okay? Mom'll be up after her bath..."

He watched as the littlest member of his family scurried off, calling "Daddy!" loudly. He flopped down on the couch, exhaustedly. The past few weeks had been hell. He'd been living at home again, trying to help keep things sorted out. His parents were empty shells of who they were. They were slowly recovering from the loss of Taylor. They felt responsible, and Isaac had yet to convince them that it was completely not their fault.

Zac was a zombie. He spent most of his time stretched out on his bed, staring at the ceiling thoughtfully. Jessica had been the biggest help throughout the whole ordeal, keeping Avery and Mackenzie in line as best as she could. Zoe, however, depended on Isaac to pay attention to her. She didn't completely understand what was going on. She wanted to know where Taylor was, and after several explanations, Isaac was beginning to believe that she might be realizing that Taylor would never be coming back.

He hoped that with the passing of the one-month anniversary of Taylor's death on the 10^th marked the beginning of a return to normalcy - or as normal as it could get when a family of 9 suddenly became a family of 8.

The ringing of the phone made him jump. He sighed, and reached for the cordless phone that sat on the coffee table. He felt stupid for being so antsy. "Hello?"

"Isaac," a soft voice said.

"Lia?" he asked.

"It's me," she replied. "Have you heard from Randy lately?"

He thought back. Zac had not received any calls at all in the past two weeks, and the last had been from a friend returning from holiday vacation sending his sympathies. "No," he said. "Not that I recall."

"I didn't think so," she said worriedly. "I think she may have found out."

"Found out what?" Isaac asked, chewing his lip nervously.

"About why that girl...shot Taylor," Lia told him.

Isaac sighed, and put his head in his palm. He rubbed his temples, trying to relieve the stress that caused his headache. "How long ago?"

"Last week," she said. "On Monday."

"Why do you think on Monday?"

"She came home crying and upset," Lia replied. "She missed the entire second half of her day because she was too upset to come to class. She hasn't gone back all week..."

"What do you want me to do about it?" he asked.

"Talk to her," Lia said. "I finally started speaking to her, and this happens. She won't talk to anyone. She's completely inverted herself."

"When?"

"As soon as possible," she pleaded.

"I don't know," Isaac said. "Grieving can be a long process. It's healthy..."

"I don't care," Lia said. "This goes deeper than grief. She feels totally responsible. Not just indirectly responsible, but completely. She won't eat, talk... She won't leave her room."

"I'll go talk to her tomorrow," Isaac said.

"You would?" she asked, sounding mildly surprised.

"Yeah," he assured. "Just make sure your mom knows I'm coming by."

"I will," Lia said. "Thank you so much."
"You're welcome," he said. "Bye, Lia."

"Bye," she replied. Isaac hit the off button and sat the phone on the table. He leaned back against the couch. Another long day...