For Someday

Randy sat on the railing on the front porch of the Hanson house, her back pressed to the wall. The summer air seemed to swim around her. "It's so nice out here," she commented, thankful that the stale, Oklahoma summer heat had dissipated for a day.

Zac looked up from the notebook he was scribbling in. He smiled. "Yeah, it is."

She leaned her head back against the wall sleepily, and studied Zac. The swing he was sitting in swayed back and forth gently. One foot was in the swing, his leg supporting his notebook. The other dangled down, his foot dragging along the ground. "When will Isaac be here?"

"Soon," Zac warranted. "Are you nervous?"

"I've never seen the headstone," she commented.

He nodded. "You've never been back, have you?"

"No," she told him.

"It's very comforting to go there, actually," he said. "It makes you feel like...almost like he's watching you. Like he knows what you're saying and that he's thinking of you."

Randy nodded, fighting the threatening tears back into their ducts.

"It's good for the soul," he promised.

The winter had come and gone. It had been 8 months since Taylor's death, and Randy wasn't sure exactly how she was supposed to feel. She sometimes found herself talking to complete strangers about him, though sometimes she couldn't talk to her closest friends and family about him. Taylor was a difficult subject for her. His memory tugged at her heartstrings, and she was pretty sure that it always would.

The sound of a car coming up the road startled them both. The old, banged up car turned into the driveway. "Why doesn't Isaac get a new car?" Randy asked. "You guys have plenty of money."

Zac shrugged. "Ike's sentimental. Besides, we're saving that money for college."

Randy remembered that Isaac and Zac were going back to college. As Isaac had put it, "It's easier this way. We just need to move past the whole...teenage pop-star stage in our lives." It was sad to think of them giving up the band, but it was sensible. It simply wasn't the band without Taylor. Music would be a private thing now. Something they did in their spare time; not a career choice.

Isaac strode up the front walk. He waved. "Hey, guys."

Randy nodded at him. He ran a hand through his now-short wavy hair. Randy smiled at him. He smiled back. "Nice to see you didn't back out."

"I'm gonna be gone tomorrow," she reminded him. "This is my last chance."

He nodded sadly. Zac stood up, and tucked his pencil behind his ear. He closed the notebook and carried it under his arm. "Are we going or not?"

The three moved toward the car, reverently quiet. The cemetery was only a few miles away. Randy was positive this would be a growing experience for her. She had to do this to be able to really let him go. Isaac's air conditioner didn't work, and her legs stuck to the red vinyl seats. Zac looked out his window absently.

The cemetery's drive was a rocky, dirt road that wound between rows of graves. The car jolted and lurched over the potholes and stones on the path. At last, the car pulled to a stop near the back of the cemetery. Isaac walked ahead of Zac and Randy towards a plot that was greener than the rest. Flowers, small round stones, letters, books, and other unusual objects rested on the headstone there. As they came closer, she could see now that this was Taylor's plot. There was plenty of extra space around him. Randy assumed that his parents had reserved their places here as well.

She stood in front of the grave, sandwiched again between Isaac and Zac. I will remember you...

She pulled something from her ponytail. A pen with rocks in the end. Will you remember me? She knelt down and layed it on the headstone's base, amidst other odds and ends left, most likely, by fans who had come to say goodbye to Taylor this summer. Don't let your life pass you by...

She grazed her fingers across the engraved words on the tombstone. She smiled, tears glistening in her eyes. Weep not for the memories...

Pictures of him poured themselves out of her mind. Remember the good times that we had? The first time they met. Seeing him run up, his blond hair waving behind him. Him sitting with her, talking to her about being a tagalong. Sitting by her that night, their feet hanging off that bench. Their first kiss, by a river outside a restaurant in Tulsa that he'd taken her to. I let them slip away from us when things got bad. The first time he left her standing in his driveway, as he headed off for a world tour. How clearly I first saw you smilin' in the sun. His homecoming filled with happy kisses and hugs. The first dance she took him to, when he had to wear a suit and tie, and he seemed to have two left feet. Wanna feel your warmth upon me, I wanna be the one. Her having to fix that ridiculous tie with Tabasco sauce bottles on it, because he didn't know how to tie one. I will remember you. The first time he ever sneaked into her room after everyone else was asleep... Will you remember me? Listening to him humming some nonsense tune while he played with her hair or drove or walked through his house. Don't let your life pass you by. Weep not for the memories. His lightning bolt smile and his electric blue eyes. His excitement and enthusiasm and warmth.

I'm so tired but I can't sleep. Everything was so different now. Standin' on the edge of something much too deep. Everything was changing so quickly. Tomorrow she would be on a plane to Ohio. It's funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word. Nothing was quite the way she had pictured it being. We are screaming inside, but we can't be heard. There would be no Taylor to sweep her into his arms. But I will remember you. There would instead be a dormitory with girls her age. Will you remember me? There would be friends to make. Don't let your life pass you by. There was more ahead that she couldn't see. Weep not for the memories...

He was now a sunny spot in her past. I'm so afraid to love you, but more afraid to lose. He made everything seem magical; every moment with him was enchanted. Clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose. Now life sprawled in front of her. Once there was a darkness, deep and endless night. She had dreams to fulfill and goals to achieve. You gave me everything you had, oh you gave me light. Although, physically he was not by her side, she knew that on some deeper level he would always be watching over her. And I will remember you. He would always be a part of her. Will you remember me? When she needed him, all she had to do was think back to their good times. Don't let your life pass you by. He was waiting for her there, in the recesses of her heart.

Weep not for the memories. He was urging her ahead.

She kissed her hand, then pressed it against his name. She got to her feet and turned to face Taylor's brothers, and smiled. They nodded at her, and the three walked in silence back to the car. Randy was sure that somewhere, someway Taylor was watching them and smiling. Weep not for the memories...

 

Jordan Taylor Hanson
March 14, 1983 - December 10, 2001

We know that he is living,
In the hearts of those he touched,
For no one loved is ever lost,
And he was loved so much.

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