MALE - FEMALE JOKES

This site is dedicated to MALE - Female Jokes..

NOT NOW DEAR....I HAVE A HEADACHE....

It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps.
As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along.

She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. Now try lifting your dress up your thighs... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.

Then, quickly the husband grabs his ! wife, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, "Now, tell HIM you have a headache."

SLIP OF THE TONGUE?

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?," he says.

"That's cool" says Bobby. Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

Carrie's father responds "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it. "Yeah," says Carries father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"

Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go.

Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door. About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father:

"DAMMIT DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"

My wife came home from the doctor's the other day and said that he told her she couldn't make love. Now, I'm wondering exactly how he found out.

CONDOM HUMOR

Nissan Condoms: Enjoy the ride
Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.
Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.
Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.
Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but Ph balanced for a woman.
Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, its that simple.
Ford Condoms: The best never rest.
Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.
Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?
New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey-- you never know.
California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?
Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.
KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.
Coca Cola Condoms: Always a Real Thing.
Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.
Cambells Soup Condoms: Mm, mm good.
The Carl's Jr. Condom: If it doesn't get all over the place, it doesn't belong in your face...
General Electric: We bring good things to life!
AT&T condom: "Reach out and touch someone."
Bounty: The quicker picker upper.
Microsoft: where do you want to go today ?
Energizer: It keeps going and going and going....
M&M condom: "It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!"
Chevron: use them? people do.
Taco Bell: get some; make a run for the border
MCI: for friends and family
Double Mint: Double your pleasure, double your fun!
The Sears latex condom: One coat is good for the entire winter
Delta Airlines travel pack: Delta's ready when you are
United Airlines travel pack: Fly United
The Star Trek Condom: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before

MEN'S RULES FOR WOMEN

1. It's only common courtesy that you leave the toilet seat up when you're done.
2. If you are cooking a special dinner for him, be sure to include something from each of the four major male food groups: Meat, Fried, Beer, and Red.
3. Don't ask him to hold your purse in the mall.
4. Despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, not all men are cretins deserving your contempt.
5. When he suggests a threesome with you and your best friend, he is only joking.
6. Unless the answer is yes.
7. In which case, can he videotape it?
8. The better looking he is the more of an asshole he's likely to be.
9. The man is ALWAYS in charge of poking the campfire with a stick.
10. Trying to provoke a large, dangerous-looking felon from across the room is not funny.
11. Money does not equate to love. Not even in Nevada.
12. Any attempt by him to prepare food, no matter how feeble (e.g., microwaving a burrito) should be met with lavish praise.
13. Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it.
14. He heard you the first time.
15. You know, YOU can ask HIM out too. Let's spread the rejection around.
16. If you truly want honesty, don't ask questions you don't really want the answer to.
17. Of COURSE he wants another beer.
18. The guy doesn't ALWAYS have to sleep on the wet spot.
19. Dogs good. Cats bad.
21. If he has to sit through "Legends of the Fall", you have to sit through "Showgirls".
22. "Fine." is not an acceptable way to end an argument.
23. Do not question his innate navigational abilities by suggesting he stop for directions.
24. He was NOT looking at that girl.
25. Well, okay... maybe a little.
26. Okay, so what! Big deal. Like you never looked at another guy...
27. There is nothing inherently wrong with the word "cunt".
29. And all your friends think so too. Especially the cute ones.
30. Your butt/boobs/hair/makeup/legs look fine. Stop asking.
31. He's probably not very interested in how heavy your menstrual flow is this month.
32. Remember: In the shower Nair looks an awful lot like shampoo.
33. Two words: blow job. Learn it. Live it. Love it.
34. Dirty laundry comes in 3 categories:
(1) Looks fine/smells fine
(2) Looks fine/smells bad
(3) Looks dirty/smells fine. Unless you intend to wash it, don't disrupt piles organized on this system.
35. Yes, Sharon Stone is prettier than you.
36. Of COURSE size matters, and boy does he have the granddaddy of them all!
37. His bald spot, beer gut and carpenter's crack don't need to be pointed out to him.
38. The words "big" and "cute" don't belong in the same sentence. Not even in the same room.
39. Of COURSE you'll swallow it! You LOVE swallowing it!
40. Watching football really turns you on. But wait until half-time to show it.
41. He'll be glad to be just friends, provided you don't have the absurd notion that sex and friendship are incompatible.
42. A perfect date starts with you saying, "You know, why don't we just skip the expensive dinner and have freaky circus sex all night?"

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