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THE FIRESIDE CHAT
Just pull up a chair, not to close to the fire,
sit back, and relax. It's here where I'll give advice.
This months advice comes from our maintainance man, Jack Handey.
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I
guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the
word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate
words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean ? It's a
mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king,
they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some
Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh
at that man.
I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all
skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that
said, "I helped skin Bob."
I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane
crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the
crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke
up and go, "What was THAT?!"
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of
the face.
Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap
can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only
has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen
and it could be like ambition.
I'd rather be rich than stupid.
If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of
conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't
think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me.
"If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of
danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr.
Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.
I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every
culture, is the story of Popeye.
When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is
if they ever press charges.
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no
choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river
to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.
We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff
at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort
of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon
was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand,
pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've
wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I
went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.
As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that
was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at
all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have
been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws,
can make a child look like a deer.
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them
down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks
his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.
You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who
makes people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe
diarrhea.
Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick
to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the
doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know
what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in
the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I
usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.
If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then
gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.
If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is
to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see,
we build to that.
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because
maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you
because, hey, free dummy.
I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high
notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals.
Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto
someones neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have
to laugh, because what is that thing?
He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much
he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her,
she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said,
"Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At
his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in
heaven--with a gun."
The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength
to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind
it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I
think there were some trees there. The smell of something was
strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember
a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not,
and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell
him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another
cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."
Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the
world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a
shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating
everything they see.
As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch for Rocks."
Marta said it should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks." I told her
she should write in her suggestion to the highway department, but
she started saying it was a joke - just to get out of writing a
simple letter! And I thought I was lazy!
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going
to take my little nephew to DisneyLand, but instead I drove him
to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "DisneyLand
burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he
thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the
real DisneyLand, but it was getting pretty late.
If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you
think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd
be wrong, though. It's Hambone.
Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's
what her dinner tasted like.
We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But
we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some
whore he picked up in town.
I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came
to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.
As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint
gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how
gray he was, and how I named him Flint.
If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet
it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my
first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant,
and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your
friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to
pretend you were swimming.
When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After
school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he
would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that
Uncle Caveman was a bear.
I think people tend to forget that trees are living creatures.
They're sort of like dogs. Huge, quiet, motionless dogs, with bark
instead of fur.
