When You Can't Visit The Amusement Park,
How To Have Fun At Work

Here are some things you can do to make the work day better...

Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.

Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting.
During the meeting eat 5 entire raw potatoes.

Insist that your e-mail address be "thor_god_of_thunder@companyname.com"

Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them to sign a waiver.

Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.

Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company's
products. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)

Name all your pens and insist that meetings can't begin until they're all present.

Come to work in your pajamas.

Put a picture of your mother on your business card.

Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss
does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)

Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point
Sparky." "No I'm sorry I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi."

Suggest that beer be put in the soda machine.

Include a piece of your children's artwork as a cover page for all reports that you write. (If you don't have
children, draw stick figures yourself.)

Schedule meetings for 4:14 pm.

Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.

Agree to organize the company Christmas party. Hold it at McDonald's Playland. Charge everyone $15 each.

Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For example "If anyone needs me I'll be
in the bathroom."

No matter what anyone asks you, reply "Okay."

Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."

Plant a hedge around your cubicle.

Grow mold in your coffee cup.

Build models of the Seven Wonders of the World using empty soda cans.

Put on your headphones on whenever the boss comes into the office. Talk in a loud voice. Remove your
headphones when he or she leaves.
When in conversation, no matter where you are in the office, mutter, "I think my phone is ringing" and leave.
Go get a coffee.

Determine how many cups of coffee is "too many."

Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

Compose all your e-mail in rhyming couplets.

Install a set of buttons and lights in the arm of your chair. Talk into your daytimer.

"Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since you did this.

Organize a carpool. Go to pick everyone up in a taxi.

Email nude pictures of yourself to your coworkers. Tell them you got them off the Internet.

Hang mistletoe over your desk.

Include a personal note on every email you send. "On a personal note, I'm feeling a bit tired and grumpy
today." "On a personal note, I'm pleased to announce that I got my highest score ever on Tetris last night."

Bring in dishes that you tried to cook but didn't turn out quite right as special treats for your co-workers.

While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive".

Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.

Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Try to pass them off as your children.

For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in the fish tank. If no one notices, take out
your snorkel and see how many you can catch in your mouth.

Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc... in the lunchroom, when people complain that there
was none... Just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that." See how long it
takes until the last person stops believing you. Then start planting pizzas.

Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to
espresso.

When you go to a party a colleague's house, don't automatically assume that the drinks are free. Ask, and ask
often.

And if you just don't feel like going in, try these excuses...

If it is all the same to you, I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel
happy about it.

I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in
some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the
loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source of exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while
simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.

My stigmata's acting up.

I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for
work. OK?

I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...

I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I
won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records
may now contain false information.

The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when
I am startled.

The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

I prefer to remain an enigma.

My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead, and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake
through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.

I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by
wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

I refuse to travel to my job in the District until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.

(Copyright 1998 Amusement Park Sorry Excuses)